May 30th, 2000 - Hugh Downs vs. the Mummy
(Starring ElectraWoman & DynaGirl)


One week ago, Fox took some time off filming cop cars crashing into gasoline trucks and televising home movies of cats clamping onto crotches to show us something different. A full camera crew led by actor Bill Pullman and undead Hugh Downs went into an ancient tomb to dig up 30 mummies. I guess it's how rich people attempt suicide. Not like my neighbor who keeps trying to end it all by standing outside with a note and holding his breath really long. But Hugh, it does seem like for all the money you spent, you could have died a horrible death without desecrating graves. If you want a 5 million dollar suicide, how about buying Alyssa Milano, coating her in poison, and eating her?

Millions of people watched the show, and not because of our fascination with Egyptology. If we gave a damn about that crap, there wouldn't be so many empty parking spaces at the museum. That place is more deserted than the makeout room at a Star Trek convention. Speaking of, here's some free advice about museums and romance: If you need to fuck in your car, it doesn't matter what time it is, the one place no one's going to bother you is the museum parking lot. You can dump dead bodies in the middle of the museum parking lot. And even if someone actually does show up years later and finds them, they'll just think it's a couple of bodies that fell off the mummy truck. Remember -- that's exactly what you thought when you walked in on your grandparents in the bedroom.
Mummy Clip 1: Abdul's Donkey Discovers the Mummies

Before you start watching the movies, you should know that I've filtered them through magic. The mummy show was a much better idea than it was an actual production, so the video clips are a little bit lame. That's why each of them is edited together with clips from ElectraWoman and DynaGirl, a show that was amazing from electra-conception to all 84 electra-dollars they spent producing it.

This first video is important, since according to my friends, it was the best part of the entire show. They made their point clear with shouts like, "Look at that guy's donkey! Look at that guy's tiny donkey! Hey, Muhammed! Maybe you should find a donkey bigger than my dick! SUCK IT!"

After some thought, another added, "Shut up, dude. That guy's a fucking badass. You wouldn't have the balls to ride across the desert on YOUR dog. Ha ha ha! That's his DOG!"

After that, the discussion degenerated into a short play depicting what might happen if Abdul decided it was time to know his donkey intimately. Not everyone participated in that part, but we all agreed his donkey was hilariously tiny.

After you hear the compelling story of this guy's hero donkey, see ElectraWoman's friend King Alex get ready to hear some really terrific rock! (also: Special Abdul Dance Remix)

Click here for Mummy Video One.
Mummy Clips 2 and 3: Bill Pullman Joins the Crew

Since Hugh Downs legally isn't allowed near anything harder than styrofoam since touching it would crumble him, they had to go somewhere else in Hollywood to find their gravedigger. And they decided on Bill Pullman. He was invaluable to the team since he stuttered, didn't know anything about Egyptology, never finished a sentence, and nervously knocked things over for the entire show.

After he's introduced, we return to DynaGirl's new friend King Alex who lets us know exactly what it takes to RULE. Then in part three, more Bill Pullman sentence fragments and the new definition of ROCK.

Click here for Mummy Video Two.

Click here for Mummy Video Three.
We didn't tune in to learn about the mysterious history of pharoahs, mummification techniques, and featurettes with actors that starred in movies about mummies. The people making the show thought we did, but they were as wrong as that time they invited Sonny and Cher on Scooby Doo. We only sat through that garbage to see the finale -- when Hugh Downs is torn to pieces by the living dead angered by the desecration of their eternal resting places. We wanted to watch Hugh Downs' last moments while he's melting in front of the camera crew and screaming, "The mummy's flame -- it burns EVEN MY SOUL!!!!!"

UPDATE: It's been a week since they desecrated the ancient tomb, and there's still no word of Hugh Downs, Bill Pullman, or any of the crew being hit by meteors or spontaneously exploding. If no one dies of curse-related causes in the next 30 days, Fox promises to try again with their special, "Barbara Walters Takes a Dump on Indian Burial Ground with Jeff Daniels and Elton John."
EDITORIAL:
I think their decision on hosts was good. Hugh Downs may not be able to read a cue card anymore and has to be held up with strings, but he's perfect for this show. Since he's already half-mummy, he can translate.

To be honest, neither I or anybody I know watched it all the way to the end. After I saw a couple of mummies dug out of their graves, it was pretty obvious the only Secrets of the Mummy's Tomb were that they are very old and very dead. Hey, Hugh Downs, I already knew that. You should have called me before you cameled over all that camera equipment. I could have saved you a trip, and you wouldn't be stuck with a cargo plane full of dusty corpses and a deadly curse. Seriously, if Hugh Downs makes it another month without stepping in front of a bus or getting a hole dug through him by a fantastic superbaby, I'll be amazed.

Actually, I have a better theory. Hugh Downs is already dead. He fell into piles of chunks on the flight back. He was probably sitting in his cushioned private jet with a glass of port saying, "You see, everyone! Ha ha ha! There's no such thing as the curse of the RAAAAAGGGGGG!" His lower jaw detached and dropped into his glass, his legs turned into cobras, and then he noticed his chair was made out of flesh eating bugs. The Hugh Downs the senior citizen demographic is knitting in front of right now is an android. You know, I bet he's been an android for at least three or four seasons of 60 Minutes. If he wasn't, he'd be like 108. Not that it matters. They could prop a corpse up on that damn show and let it do the news. The only people that watch it can't stay awake past the opening watching ticking anyway.
Mummy Clip 4: Bill Pullman Remembers the Curse

I know it's barely mentionable when you're digging up mysterious ancient graves, but in this clip Bill Pullman remembers that whole curse thing that's been killing Egyptologists since 1922. He's a genius. Later, when the turban guys and him are breaking open thermometers and taking shots of mercury, Bill's the one that says, "Hey, wait. I don't think we should be doing this!" One of the professional coffin lifters replied, "Wow. Have you ever considered putting all this amazing knowledge in a book, Admiral Safety?"
Click here for Mummy Video Four.


Mummy Clip 5: The Tomb Guide Confesses a Hidden Crush

On their way into the tomb, Bill Pullman uses his nervous stuttering to be polite when the guide starts going off about how his lover is a pyramid and his wife is a mummy. Yeah. He might as well have had beetles crawling out of his mouth it was so god damn creepy.

At the beginning of the movie, you'll hear the insane leader guy speaking something in Egyptian to his assistants. And you want to know a funny thing about the Egyptian language? The translation for "dig up that mummy" is "John Larroquette." Grave diggers must love Night Court. You know what else they like? Sex with dead bodies. I'm not saying there's a link, but I've never seen anyone watch Night Court without having at least one naked corpse in the room somewhere.
Click here for Mummy Video Five.

Mummy Clip 6: Hugh Downs is Made of Iron

Hugh is fearless. Here he pulled out a piece of paper he'd written King Tut's curse on, and mockingly read it. Then he put on a pointed metal helmet, stood on a roof during a thunderstorm and called God a pussy. Meanwhile, Lori and Judy are called to the ElectraBase by their computer operator, Frank. He might sound like a bitter asshole, and it's not because ElectraWoman and DynaGirl get all the credit, but because he's the guy (Norman Alden) that did the voice for Aquaman. You'd be fucking bitter too if the only thing you said during the seventies was "Help, Super Friends! I still suck!"

Click here for Mummy Video Six.


Mummy Clip 7: Interview With a Mummy

This is where the show kind of fell apart. They decided we couldn't sit through 60 straight minutes of chanting crazies in turbans crowbarring open coffins, so they had little mummy featurettes. In this one, Hugh Downs interviews Arnold Vosloo from The Mummy. He also makes him watch a short mummification instructional video. You know, for people at home that were thinking about getting into it.

During the entire interview Arnold looks at Hugh with the kind of false respect you give your grandpa when he forgets to put on his pants. As he leaves, Arnold mixes a ridiculous warning into a shameless plug for his movie. "Hugh, later when you open the tomb, be careful. Like the audience saw in my film, The Mummy, now available on videocassette, it can be very dangerous to open up tombs." He also warned Hugh not to get in a car because in Jurassic Park that dinosaur beat the shit out of the cars. Also, "try not to stand near a coke machine 'cause remember in Maximum Overdrive when that pop machine took out that little league team?" He eventually was shut up by the cold claws of one of the walking dead that Hugh Downs commands.

Click here for Mummy Video Seven.
Back to the casting decisions -- Bill Pullman might seem like a weird guy to lead a mummy excavation, but he was the best choice. Not because he's a great digger, and definitely not for his broadcast skills, but because he might be able to fight them off when they snap to life and hunger for living brains. You saw him in that shitty movie Independence Day. He could probably kill 4 mummies. Five if he found a big stick or a torch. And if he kills them all, great. But if he doesn't and they turn HIM into one of the mummified dead, no big deal. We can deal with a rampaging Bill Pullman mummy. If we sent Bruce Willis or Danny Glover in and one of them got turned into a mummy, we'd be fucking dead. Once those guys came stumbling at us, our only chance would be to get in a rocket and find a new planet. And even that wouldn't work. While we're taking off, the Bruce Willis mummy would be hanging on the outside of the rocket growling something in mummy that translates to "Nice rocket. You know what else is going to fly away from its home soon? YOUR FACE, PAL." And the Danny Glover mummy would already be inside beating us to death with our own space helmets saying, "I was gettin' too old for this shit TEN THOUSAND YEARS AGO!"

Now that I think it through, maybe our planet is a small price to pay to see that.

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