Happy Birthday Martin Luther King. I hope you like racism, protestors, and senators calling people retards.

Today most of America stayed home from work to watch Jerry Springer in honor of Martin Luther King, pointing their beer to the sky while two toothless lesbian sisters made out and screaming, "That one was for you, MLK!" Later in the show, America continued their celebration of the great man's memory when an 80-year-old man proudly told Mr. Springer that he was having sex with both hideous women. One audience member summed up the holiday best by saying, "My question is for the bitch in the hoochy-mama dress in the front -- Girl, you need to BRUSH YOUR TEETH!"

"I didn't have to tape my soap operas today," said one housewife, adding thoughtfully, "It's what Dr. King would have wanted." New Hampshire residents on the other hand, set their VCRs claiming "We don't celebrate the holiday -- we'd rather be called racists than stay home from work. We have a whole stack of papers that need filing, and Mondays are they day the cute UPS man comes by."

Other Americans weren't so flighty and fifty thousand people marched to the South Carolina Statehouse to protest the Confederate flag that still flies there. How many people does it take to get a flag down? In summer camp we just dared this one kid that smelled like pee to climb up and get it after lights out. We wrapped it like a diaper around a statue of some guy they had there that looked like Davy Crockett. It demeaned both Camp Wacookachooka and the North American sea otter that was its mascot, and as a punishment, we didn't get ice cream the next night. Is a night without ice cream worth one of the 50,000 of you climbing the pole when no one's looking? I say yes, protestors. A night without ice cream is a price worth paying for even the smallest step towards racial equality in the South.

But the protest is only the start of the flag-removal strategy. The group is also planning a tourism boycott of South Carolina that will continue until it's taken down. The South Carolina tourism board (one guy named Jeff) responded sarcastically with, "Oh no. What are we going to do with all these 'South Carolina Is Mighty Fina' hats. Guess we'll have to go back to selling personalized Christmas cards door to door. Psh! South Carolina tourism boycott. That's been going on since 1972. That's why this is my office, dickhead," pointing to the refrigerator box he had decorated with glow-in-the-dark stars and Masters of the Universe stickers.

I wanted to know exactly how much passion these protestors had, so I went to South Carolina's Website to see what events they'll force themselves to miss in the name of flags. With every item on their calendar followed by an exclamation point, it looks like it will be a long and painful boycott while the picketers try to resist the call of such events as The Lowcountry Oyster Festival!, Southeastern Wildlife Exposition!, Festival of Houses & Gardens!, Baker's Dozen!, Annual House Tour in the Robert Mills Historic District!, and the Sun Fun Festival! "I don't know how I'm going to stay away from the Sun Fun Festival!," said one protestor. "I can only pray to Lord Jesus that they take the flag down by then." He then crossed out the words "Raise The Roof, Not The Flag" from the sign he was holding and replaced them with "PleasePleasePlease take the flag down before September 23rd's Candlelight Tours of Houses and Gardens! My wife and I are very interested in it."

Does the NAACP really have the right to not like something that symbolizes one of the worst inhumanities in the history of the modern world? According to one of our elected officials, fuck no. South Carolina Republican Senator and former congressman, Arthur Ravental spoke Saturday to a 6000 person rally in favor of the Confederate flag, and said "lawmakers should not bow to the National Association for Retarded People."

Yes. He said it. And he wasn't talking about the Tom Wopat fan club. He was talking about the NAACP. When the American public said, "Holy shit, Arthur. You did not just say that," he corrected it this morning by apologizing "to the retarded folks of the world for equating them with the NAACP." Then he went on to speak about his favorite comic book.

This reporter didn't get a chance to check the news this afternoon, but assumes Senator Ravenel didn't make it to his car without getting beaten nearly to death, stuffed in a trashcan, and jammed under the tires of the short bus.

According to local members of the NAACP, "It is unusual for a member to be retarded. Senator Ravenel must have been misinformed. And I am going to kick that geeky cracker's ass so hard he's going to have to floss shoe polish out of his teeth."

Even most South Carolinians consider the flag a racist symbol, but many rednecks say men died for the banner and it deserves to fly. This argument was countered by one man saying, "Jeffrey Dahmer died too, honkey. You don't see us hanging half eaten body parts on poles." The pro-flag point was officially destroyed by popular fashion critic, Joan Rivers, when she said, "Ach! Ach! It's been 135 years since the war! Oh my gawd! I've seen mutton chops that are more in style than that! Ach!" Then her arm fell off and she went on an unstoppable rampage to satisfy her insatiable zombie hunger for human brains.

"Yeeeeehawwww!" said confederate flag expert Tom Wopat of TV's Dukes of Hazzard in his public response to the protest. As shown on this National Confederate Flag Protest trading card, he punctuated his statement by jumping over a patrol car. A victory for the confederate flag? Unfortunately, "yes," says the NAACP, but then the organization pointed out that KITT was black and could kick General Lee's ass.

"They're right, Michael. The confederate flag car is no match for us," coos popular black supercar, KITT.

Southern supporters of the confederate flag respond to the trading card racial battle by pointing out KITT's driver was all-american pop star David Hasselhoff shown here with blatantly anti-black lasso and belt buckle. "Yeehaw!" cries Hasselhoff, mirroring Tom Wopat's previous comments.

Here again is strong defender of the Confederate flag, Tom Wopat, as he poses with members of his fan club. "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" responded the NAACP.

"Hop in!" shouts Mr. T from his custom Dune Buggy!

"Hello!" T says to a young girl with a friendly wave! "Hello!" she replies! "Your bike is amazing!"

And finally bringing the Confederate flag protest to a satisfying close is this Perfect Strangers trading card. According to the back, "When a music manager offers Balki a deal for his dance style, Larry becomes Balki's talent agent. But soon they discover the manager was just using the cousins and dubbed someone else's singing voice. The manager threatens to sue if they cancel the contract, so the cousins do a rap at a press conference, which proves that Balki's voice was dubbed."

A perfect summation and metaphor for the entire controversy. It's ironic that something named "Out of Sync" can so perfectly bring everything together.
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