April 25th, 2000
Panda Porn

Scientists have found another problem that needs our attention. Pandas aren't reproducing. We've tried everything from humilating front page articles about their impotence to destroying their habitat, and nothing's working. That's when one creepy creepy man, Zhang Hemin, came up with a solution. He shows videos of pandas humping to pandas in captivity. Finally-- panda porn that won't get you arrested.

Zhang Hemin is not some guy who climbed over the zoo fence with a camcorder and some lubricant. He's the director of China Giant Panda Research and Conservation Center. That's not a typo, all the words are smashed together in the wrong order because the place is in a different country. Just be happy it's not called Joy Cannon Panda Hump House. Zhang recently gave a long, disgusting explanation of the videos on ABC News, and I've taken some of his words and used them for a special edition of...

Zhang's words are on the left-- the Point. He is supposedly an expert on pandas and their sexual acts. On the right is my Counterpoint. I have no formal panda training, but as a kid watched a cartoon where pandas from space could merge together to form a larger, more powerful panda.

"With their natural habitats diminishing, pandas in captivity face a sexual crisis." I'd face a sexual crisis too if I had to fuck next to a group of six year olds buying a sno-cone.
"During mating season in the wild, young pandas watch the adults fight for their partners and perform copulation. That’s how they learn all about producing offspring." Kids and pandas, do not listen to Zhang. Watch your parents when you want to learn how to build a fence, start the barbecue, or shoot heroin. Do not watch them when you want to learn how to have sex. It'll just be one more nasty thing you're going to end up telling to a therapist. I don't get why they're trying to hard to keep the pandas around anyway, when a midget in a panda suit is superior in every way.
"As part of the pandas’ education, we make those which are sexually inept watch videos of other pandas having sex." In my health class, we were lucky to see a bra. I think there was a reason for that. Look at what you're doing, you're taking away the beauty of sex for them. How are they supposed to enjoy mating while you freaks are standing around them with notebooks and labcoats? Don't turn humping into a clinic. If something ends up seeming too much like class, we won't do it anymore. It's why you go pay hookers to have sex with you, but you never pay math professors to show you flash cards.
"Pandas get stressed up when the environment is not conducive. It may be because they feel claustrophobic when the cage is too small, the walls are too high or the temperature is just not right." Maybe it's not just the logging and poaching that endangered the panda. If they refuse to have sex because it's a little bit too warm, or the trees are too nearby, it's going to take a lot more than some stuffy medical porno to get them breeding again. Make some of that bamboo into moonshine or something. Nobody's going to hump an ass the size of a panda's without a toxic amount of liquor in them.
"Sometimes we let them watch others copulating, and then let them watch the videos one or two days after." Right, if the pandas go on the paper, they get a lapdance, and if they do a trick, they get their choice of swimsuit video or vibrating toy. If it's a special trick, they get to pick a video from the girl panda on girl panda section. Is Zhang the only panda doctor in the world? Shouldn't he have a colleague or someone that's there to check his references?
"Let's see here... it says here you never went to medical school, ran an adult video store, and were arrested for fucking a horse. Could you give me that labcoat back? I really don't think there's a place for you here at the panda research center."
"Some females are picky about the males and that’s nothing we can do about it. We have a sperm bank storing sperm from 15 pandas and we’ll use artificial methods." When Zhang said "artificial methods," you know he was looking lovingly at a box of latex gloves. I can understand how the female pandas can get picky. There are only like 1000 pandas left in the world; gossip spreads fast. Those girls don't even have to go to the nail salon to get every dirty secret about the men. When a male panda sleeps with a girl, the next day every single one of them knows what kind of grunts he makes, how much hair is on his back, and exactly how sexually inept he gets when he's feeling claustrophobic or a little bit warm.

Judging by the fact that there were no pandas at the mall's pet store, Zhang's films have not been a huge success. Because of this, the Chinese Panda Squad has contacted American television networks and commisioned them to produce their own versions of panda love-aids. Our country's big budget filmmaking is the last chance for the panda race, and Seanbaby.com was able to get ahold of a few of the shows with some panda costume espionage. Here are the descriptions, along with a team review by me and a struggling panda couple:

Network: WB
Show Name: Pandisha!

Four fun loving high school pandas learn about life and romance together. The title star of the show, a Giant African Panda named Pandisha, tackles the world and makes it hers by running a crazy campaign for class president. It's hip hop hijinks when some of today's "PHATTEST" stars team up with some of the FATTEST zoo animals for a wild ride that will make you laugh out loud!

This was a pilot episode for an upcoming series. They toned the sex down to be responsible teen programming, so it's not going to help the pandas mate as much as it'll help them understand... their hearts. There is some sex appeal, though. All the chicks wear tight shirts, there are lots of shots of the girl's swim team, and pillow fights seems to come out of nowhere in home economics class.

My Rating: Thumbs Up.
Finally, we can stop saying "Get in my belly!" , "WASSSUPPPPP!" , and "Blurp! Urr! Timmmmaaay!!" This show fills all our catchphrase needs for the next year with lines like "Get out of my hair, panda bear!" , "Bam Bam Bambooooo!" and, "That's the PANDA bomb, cuntrag!"

It's a fun show, but using this for pornography is a lot like getting off on the lifestyle photos in your health book. You feel like you're settling, it ends up to be too much work, and if you get caught, it's twenty more embarrassing than regular porn.

What are the pandas saying?
"Bam Bam Bambooo, baby! I love this show! It was so great, I totally forgot the world's scientists and media are putting my failed genitals on the front page of every paper."
"That's the PANDA bomb, cuntrag! I taped it and I've already watched it THREE TIMES! You go, Pandisha! My man can't get it up, but I can kick his trifling ass to the curb now that I have Pandisha! Pandisha Pandisha! So glad ta meecha!"

Network: Cinemax
Show Name: Intimate Panda Deception 2

A no-nonsense female panda reporter (Ping Ping, Panda Desire, Deadly Panda Passions) falls into a world of desire, intrigue, and murder. Seduced by the rugged passions of a mysterious stranger (Ting Ting, Panda in Red, Full Exposure, The Fucking Panda), she finds the story of her life that just might be the death of her. Will she be able to hide her tracks in time to keep a determined rival from her past (Shannon Tweed) from revealing her dark secret?

This movie was mostly forced dialogue and predictable deception with four or five sex scenes scattered throughout. And even though the sex scenes were 15 to 20 minutes long each, they never went past the foreplay stage. The pandas licked and rubbed each other while grocery store jazz played, and sometimes the camera zoomed in so close I couldn't tell if I was looking at ass fur, back fur, or an ear, much less figure out which gender it was attached to.

My Rating: Thumbs Down. Since it was so softcore, they were really careful not to show anything below the waist, and there always seemed to be a giant panda head obstructing our view of nipples. I understand that some pandas don't like to go all the way after a hard day of intrigue and desire, but when the love scene ends and everyone still has their panties on, something went horribly wrong. I've had strange, dirty, humiliating sex in my life, but I've never thought it was over after some bad jazz and a 15 minute breast massage. That's damn weird. Kids in seventh grade have more satisfying sex than that.

What are the pandas saying?
"It didn't get me off, but they got my blood flowing enough that I got reminded of my panda penis. I wish they showed it before 4 in the morning. Sometimes I want to watch this diet porn garbage earlier in the day."
"These erotic thriller panda movies offer unfair standards of panda beauty. I don't have a personal trainer! I have a job! How am I supposed to work out while I live in a 20 foot cage? I can't compete with a 123 inch waist! Why can't full figured bears be given the spotlight? Who's to say I can't be fit, fun, and sexy with a 170 inch waist?"

Network: HBO
Show Name: Real Panda Sex Confessions

Shown documentary style, the special was segmented out into short looks into the real but unusual sexual lives of pandas. The first segment took a playful approach, showing a group of pandas who loved to be naked in public. It showed scenes of them shopping, doing their laundry, and lots and lots of stretching. There was extended full frontal nudity, but you can only get so sexual when you're walking around the mall naked with some shopping bags. And a couple of the pandas reminded us why they force shoppers to wear clothes. There were at least 6 shots of one giant nude panda ass that made me wince.

The second segment, entitled Marsupial Munchies, featured several pandas who loved the sensuality of rubbing food all over each other. It started out sexy with classics like honey and chocolate, but two minutes into it they were throwing unsexy cottage cheese and pickle brine at each other. And it just degenerated from there. By the end of it, they were covered in food I couldn't recognize. It looked like two slimy furballs wrestling in a pile of vomit.

The third segment was even more disgusting with a group of old hippie pandas sitting naked around a campfire in some orgy workshop on how to enhance one's inner sexual energy. They massaged each other, chanted, and pinched shitty ashtrays out of clay. I don't know what the filmmakers were going for, but by the end of it, I couldn't tell if I never wanted to have sex again or just never ever see another panda naked. While I was in the bathroom spitting up what looked like the set of the second segment, I knew I was never going to be able to fuck in the zoo again.

My Review: Thumbs down - Maybe pandas are into this crap, but I like my sex without people that look disgusting when they're naked. When I'm 80, I'll learn to deal with it... unless I'm rich by then.

What are the pandas saying?
"I can never get into shows like this. The first couple were good when they just showed the hookers and the people fucking in the cab, but this crap is a bunch of freaks. I'm not going to watch gross idiots prance around just because they're naked."
"I already can't get my panda man excited. Grossing him out with sick deviant sex isn't going to help it at all. Thanks, HBO. You just killed the panda race's last hope."

Is this Panda Porn good or bad, a special investigation into... ourselves.

The doctors finally snapped. They went out with clipboards to watch pandas fuck and make stag movies about them. Let's be honest. That's insane. Completely fucking insane. But are these film producers bad people? Who's to say who is and isn't a bad person? The Golden Rule's a piece of shit. Do unto others as you'd have them to do you? That's not going to work until we're all the same. Some people like to get hit by a whip or have hamsters stuck in their ass. If those crazies followed the Golden Rule, they could beat up anyone and make their asses fair game for little animal farms.

Do we listen to the law to find out who's good and bad? I've seen the show Cops. Those guys can have a tape of a prostitute knowingly spreading AIDS to teenagers, stabbing them, taking their wallets, and lighting an orphanage on fire. But since the lighting in the video wasn't regulation and every second Friday of the month is Go Free Day, he gets set loose on a technicality. They only people they do manage to convict on that show are the stoned kids who got pulled over for not wearing their seatbelt. Everybody gets hit with the night sticks, though.

Almost everyone in prison is there for doing drugs. Everybody seems to know that the entire world is doing drugs or wants to do drugs, so there's no point in explaining how stupid that is. Drugs don't make people bad. At worst they make you dizzy, hungry, and paranoid. We shouldn't get upset with people for that. If we did, we might as well start arresting hobos and fat people when they jog.

Above left: Ping and Pong, the panda sidekicks from unpopular 70's spinoff cartoon, The Brady Kids. According to one panda source, "they didn't do much for [him]. You know, sexually." He admitted to kind of getting excited whenever the magic bird, Marlon, came out of the tree house (above right). So according to my research, one out of one pandas surveyed don't get horny by watching television pandas even if they come from space and speak Chinese.
So you can't tell if a person's good or bad even if they're wearing a prison outfit. We still need some help in judging, though. The Christians have already written some laws we can use if we want, but Ghandi was a great guy, and he wasn't Christian. That means he's in hell. And I don't want to listen to a bunch of people that lit a sweet little Indian man on fire for not being in their club.

Here's what I've come up with: The best way to tell if a person is a detriment to society is if they're ever the "asshole" in a sentence that starts with "some asshole..." Here's an example: "Some asshole peed all over the toilet seat." Now no one's going to incarcerate you for peeing on a toilet seat. No religion is going to denounce you for it, and it's not even covered in a list of rules posted on the bathroom wall. But are you a bad person for making some stranger clean up or sit in your pee? Hell yes.

'Some asshole's are everywhere. They're the people they force us to make regulations and put magnetic devices on everything in our stores. They're the reason your trip to the salad bar costs 12 dollars -- because some asshole balanced a 15 pound tower of bacon bits on his plate. It's why the bouncer sticks his hand in the front of your pants at the bar -- because some asshole keeps a handgun in his. It's why you have spend $2000 on a car security system or why you're not allowed to touch strippers. It's why you can't buy firecrackers, see tits on TV, drive fast, play cops and robbers in school, or tell a girl she's sexy. All because of some asshole.

And what was the first thing you said when you heard about this new triple x project to get pandas to reproduce? -- "Oh, Jesus. Some asshole is making panda porno."

Go here to read a Reader Comic going even deeper into the panda-saving pornography.

•NES & EGM•    •Kick to the Groin•    •Super Friends•    •Hostess Fruit Pies•
•Absoludicrous Video•    •Stupid Comic Ads•    •Classic•

•About the Site•    •Contact•