Part Three: Inside the Gay Mystery:
Why do people dislike gays anyway? All they want to do is have sex with other gays. If you stay out of the clubs with neon rainbows in the window, you can probably go on with your praying and gun cleaning without ever seeing one.

Is it the fact that there are some people out there you don't know doing strange things in their beds? Because let me tell you something, now that we have the Internet, we know about things that should bother you a lot more than same sex couples. Before the web, you might have dared your friend to pick up a piece of dogshit with their bare hand. Now we know about people who don't do it on a dare. They pick it up because they want to. And THEN THEY PUT IT IN THEIR MOUTH. Not one or two people do this. Thousands and thousands of people enjoy it so much they take pictures of themselves doing it and talk about it in chat rooms with other shit-eaters and bored high school kids pretending to be shit-eaters. So Catholics, KKK, or whoever's deciding who other people get to fuck this week-- there are a lot better targets for your enlightenment than homos. Leave them alone. Everyone's happy in a gay relationship, but in a shit-eating relationship some nasty freak is stealing your dog's lunch and taking important jobs away from sewage treatment workers all over this great country.

You know, John Paul, all those people screaming when you're driving through your country aren't cheering for your ancient ass. They're trying to tell you your blinker is on. Ha ha ha I'm just kidding. They're screaming at you because you drowned their great grandmothers for being witches.

How is the gay community reacting? Seanbaby.com dressed his neighbor in feathers and chaps and sent him deep into the dark underground of homoculture to probe for quotes. To learn from the gays... he had to become them. And once he had entered their world... could he ever truly escape?

Jabba the Homo had this to say:

"Oooh! Is Popey going to send God gremlins after us? Look at me! I'm the pope! I'm going to go get the gays with my big book and magic powers! Hey Pope, at least gays hump SOMEBODY! Eeee! Eeee! A mouse! Let's get out of here! Eeek! Oh. It was just a stick of mouse-shaped butter I keep in my pocket. Sweet!"
"Harold... I'm sorry sweety. That funny looking old man up there says we can't be together."

"I understand, Steve."

"Also, I have to buy Hormel brand chili from now on because a commercial on TV told me to."

"I understand, Steve."

In this age of indecision, people need all the help they can get to pick a side. And sometimes when they finally pick a side, they need help modifying a semi-automatic weapon to fully-automatic so they can open deadly fire at the side they didn't choose. I'm here to help everyone decide on whether they're with the Homos or the Catholics. Catholics and Homos stop paying attention. You guys are excluded since both of you have more important things to worry about like keeping your hands off your genitals to avoid damnation or applying glittered body spray.

Round One:
Both of the groups make good points here. And there's no going by hat size this time, since both of them are wearing hats hilariously too large for their heads. Style isn't a factor either since they're both wearing something that makes them look like they just got out of the shower. But the naked guy in the 10 gallon foam hat looks a lot happier, and happiness is what makes our dreams into sunshine.
Winner: Gays by a smile.

Round Two:
For every person that catches catholic from parental guilt, that's one more person that enjoys the delicious taste of our Lord through dry crackers and grape juice. But for every gay man that decides to parade his sexuality through the streets, Barbara Streisand sells one more $2000 concert ticket.

I don't have much against Barbara other than hating her work, but the Catholics have treats. You can't eat Barbara, and she doesn't need any more damn money.
Winner: Catholics by a cracker.

Round Three:
For every catholic girl that goes nun, there's a chance of her being a hottie. And not to talk bad about all of Jesus' wives, but is there anything hotter than a really hot nun?

On the other hand, for every gay guy that comes out of the closet, my girlfriend has one more guy she can ask to go shopping with instead of me. I and the other men of America love and salute the platonic gay friends of our women. We salute them and their love of fashion.

So yeah, hot nuns are great. If you don't believe me, rent Alyssa Milano's Deadly Sins (left). It's during that post Teen Steam part of her career where she had to take her top off to get a job. And if you're watching the scene where she strips off her nun outfit and you find that either of your hands aren't down the front of your pants, give the Pope a call because he wants to yell at your gay ass.

As great as Alyssa looks taking off a nun outfit, giving your girlfriend a gay guy's number is like a Get Out of the Mall Free card.
Winner: Gays by a red tag sale.

There it is. Gays win 2 to 1. Proof that everyone should side with the paraders. Apologies go to the Catholics, and Congratulations go to the gay community. You did it!
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