Dec. 14th - Idealism Causes Hilarious Headlines

Monday, at its annual "State of the World's Children" report, UNICEF has concluded that AIDS, war, and poverty threaten the safety of children around the world. This completely destroyed the previous held reports funded by Budget Hypodermic Needle Cleaners For Kids that stated, "Kids are crazy about AIDS." And after their conclusion, UNICEF blamed world leaders for not doing more to save the 11,000,000 children a year that die from "totally preventable causes." Which one expert says is a lot like blaming the rooster on your cereal box for causing the morning sun to rise too early. This same expert went on with analogies like this for an hour, finally ending it with the finale, "No, no, it's like blaming a fat chick because you can't get your cock to go up!" After this comment, another nearby expert slapped his raised hand and said, "Ha ha ha, that's one for the experts -- zero for UNICEF," while licking his finger and pantomiming the marking of a score tally.

Carol Bellamy, UNICEF director, made surprisingly little sense for someone whose job it is to get quoted during things like this: "When 11 million-plus children still die around the world every year from totally, totally, totally preventable causes, then it’s not good enough to say, Gee things are better off than before." Even while the crowd brought their humming of the national anthem to a crescendo while she talked, it was hard not to notice the confused faces and muffled voices mocking that fucked up chain of 'totally's. But in the end, polls of the crowd showed that the speech worked. An overwhelming percentage of the crowd said that they are now against huge land wars, deadly uncurable diseases, and high mortality rates in children.

Above: James Taylor performs at a UNICEF concert. Young people claim Taylor's musical success could have been "preventable" if it weren't for their dads' tastes in music. Concert goers also say the glare given off from the singer's head was "preventable" if the world's leaders had taken greater interest in getting him a headband or small hat.
And speaking of the millenium, here's a note for the people with calendars who like to point at them and excitedly talk about them. I'm not just sick of the year 2000. I'm sick of the people that are sick of the year 2000. I can't even get a tank of god damn gas without hearing about how it's almost been exactly two thousand years since you guys killed Jesus. There's a picture of Dick Clark on every fucking item at the grocery store, and someone even put the number 2 in my Spaghettios so if my spoon aligns them correctly, I can spell out the year it will almost be. Finally, mushy pasta and a calendar all in one. Now if I could just get my watch to taste like soup... You year 2000 people can suck my millenial dick.
UNICEF wasn't all "blah blah war is bad. AIDS kills people." In fact, they listed some of the many ways children’s lives have been improved in the last 100 years. Small pox is gone, iodine supplements have eliminated a major cause of mental retardation, and mortality rates are declining. What? So now the world's a better place because there are fewer retarded people? You fucking nazis, UNICEF. Now you'll probably talk about how great it is because the American population boom has cut down on the percentage of French people in the world. And who made this list? Kids don't care whether or not they have small pox. If you want to talk about great 20th century children accomplishments, where are the lawn sprinkler games and lollipops with gum in the center? Knight Rider, Rainbow Brite, horny boyscout troop leaders... I can list a million things that make kids lives better than "no retarded people." And I'm not even an acronymed committee.

“A VACUUM [capitalization courtesy of MSNBC. -editor] of leadership has allowed the merciless targeting of children and women in armed conflict, the frightening transformation of AIDS into the number one killer in Africa...” UNICEF director Carol Bellamy told a news conference. Yes, according to recent statistics, AIDS now kills more people than starvation. Starvation officials don't think it matters how fantastic a president you use to fill that VACUUM of leadership, they're not going to figure out how to grow you a sandwich out of the desert. And it doesn't matter how well the guy on the podium gives speeches; if you fuck somebody with AIDS, you're a few years of brave struggles away from a movie of the week.

And like every public speech since halfway through 1998, Bellamy made mention of the importance of the millenium. “If we don’t seize the start of the new millennium to solve the terrifying plight faced by our children," Bellamy told reporters, "then we are guilty of contributing to their suffering and to the wholesale abuse of their rights.” Bellamy then went on to blame you personally for dolphin-unsafe tuna by saying "every day you don't form a team of scissors-master warriors to destroy the world's fishing nets, is another day filled with preventable dolphin deaths."
During the speech, UNICEF listed the top three child-related tragedies, broken up by variety acts such as baby jugglers and a Tacoma man could chew light bulbs. But UNICEF was too busy blaming the problems on world leaders for herding them incorrectly to come up with solutions to these new problems. These previously unheard of "war," "disease," and "poverty." Didn't someone try to fix all these awhile ago? I think they were called communists.

This is like how I blamed my parents when I burned down my grade school. After that, I didn't get Christmas presents for 3 years, but who's going to punish UNICEF?

We are.

I'm asking the leaders of our great world's nations to punch each UNICEF member in the stomach. If you lead a country or are a member of UNICEF, email me, and will make all the necessary arrangements for the punches to be dealt out. (see column to the right for developments).

In the mean time, I've come up with practical solutions for all of UNICEF's complaints.
It's been 20 minutes since I posted this article and I haven't received any letters yet. Are you world leaders going to seriously just sit there and take it from UNICEF? Save some face and stop being such pussies. Write to me and I'll arrange for you to punch them in the stomach.

It's been 45 minutes now and I finally got a letter. But it's not even from a world leader. It's from this guy:
"Hi, Seanbaby. My name is Carl R. Hayes. I may not run a country, but I've sure stuck to the same principles of quality, service, and dependability that Albert F. Amling had when he founded Amlings Flowers back in 1889. Like I said, I don't have a nation under me, but I'm the president of this terrific flower company, secretary of our bowling league, and would love to punch UNICEF in the stomach. And if you find something not to your liking with any flowers that you purchase or receive from Amlings, we will replace them free. Simple, straight forward and no hassels. Just like my punch will be to UNICEF's stomach."
more children now live in poverty than a decade ago, when nations declared a commitment to improve the plight of women and children by 2000.

SOLUTION: Give children more money. Federal funding to increase allowances must begin immediately, and money should be hidden in places where only children look. Twenty dollar bills will be put into Happy Meals*, and in extreme cases money will be hidden under toads, in toxic household cleaners, as prizes in delicious cereal, inside gun cabinets, or anywhere else only a child would look.

*Warning: Due to the ineptitude of McDonald's leaders and the Emperor of Paraguay, meals may not be not happy.

Every minute, five young people are infected with HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. Eleven million people ages 15 to 24 suffer from AIDS. It has devastated families across Africa, leaving 1.1 million orphans in Uganda and 700,000 in Ethiopia.

SOLUTION: Children should stop having sex. Maybe we should produce some "hip" commercials about the danger of pre-marital sex, and teach kids it's "the in thing" to not hump. Maybe a trusted sitcom actor could point at us and say, "Humps are the Dumps!" or "Fucking?! ... More like NOT-Fucking!" In countries where people don't have TV's (see Poverty, above) promote more circumcision "mistakes." Removing the genitalia is a very underrated prevention of tragic deaths.

In the 1990s, war killed more than two million children and seriously injured more than six million. War was an especially grave danger in parts of Central Africa, Northwest Asia and South Asia and Southwest Asia.

SOLUTION: Stop fighting. Promote peacefulness by attacking world leaders and accusing them of murdering babies. To really get their attention, it may be necessary to throw a brick through a window or publicly execute an abortion doctor. There are many ways to encourage peace, but almost all of them should be done to acoustic music. Write a song about sunshine - the popular campfire song, "Onward Christian Soldiers," single handedly prevented 2392 preventable deaths and 37 that were non-preventable. If this still does not work, see left. This one probably is our trusted leaders' fault. Even the most naive third world sweatshop workers know that our governments have been manufacturing "bring-back-to-life" candy bars since the early 80s. They're just scared to put that kind of power into the hands of the people. But until the FDA lets them get into stores, I think the next best way to stop war casualites is to make violence illegal. And violators should have their hands torn off by horses.

School enrolment is lowest in Africa and South Asia, with a total of 130 million school age children without access to education. "A sixth of the world’s population is virtually illiterate,” Bellamy noted.

SOLUTION: 1 billion flyers will be printed up, approximately 1 for every illiterate person in the world that shows an inspirational character, Randy the Reading Rhinocerous holding up a book while he's surfing. At the bottom it will say, "Learn to Read! It's your voyage to a true adventure!" This message will also be plastered on billboards throughout illiterate "hot-spots." And illiterates, if you're reading this, always try your best! Plus, you all smell like feet. Ha ha! To you, this whole page is nothing but flippopo bagooola baba yaba!
Special feature
Today in 1983, eight and a half months ago: The A-Team Draws Fire. There's trouble on the set, and a scathing report citing 34 acts of violence an hour, indicts the headbashing TV series. Also in the same month: AC/DC turns up the power! and Miller-Lite's Zany All-Star Reunion!

And in super-news, Ultrababy X - still unkillable, still friend to the people. Because of his inability to be injured, he was not mentioned during the UNICEF speech. Instead of bitching, he spent the afternoon digging a series of tunnels to help 300 more refugees reach the underground utopia the children have taken to calling "Ultraland, The Galaxy of Fun Beneath the Earth."
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