PART 3: Contrasting Viewpoints - Two Way Mirrors Into Our Souls

City officials came out adamantly against the violence. The mayor of LA, Richard Riordan, said he condemned "the lawlessness of so-called fans who destroyed property and endangered the safety of fans and families in the vicinity." However, Wanky McFatto, the mayor of television (right) said, "lawlessness is the paintbrush our bricks use to show us their feeling deep inside!"

Center Shaquille O'neal, who wept openly after the game, scored 41 points and had 12 rebounds that night, while on the same night, Walter O'Neal, a local bike messenger and whistle collector, scored 4 cracked ribs, 3 second degree burns, and 7 new Sega Dreamcasts.

Los Angeles basketball fans go on rampages when their team wins, but what about Indiana fans? According to limited research, the only incident of note surrounding the NBA finals in Indiana was a census worker getting eaten alive by twenty of Wayne Newton's dogs a few days before.

The devoured census worker was warned by Beware of Dog signs, but of course he ignored them. Census workers have no fear. Because when your job is to go to someone's house and find out the name of people who are already in the phone book, you have nothing left to lose. The numbered inspectors who check your underwear have better lives than census workers. At least they sometimes find a hole or a beetle in your panties and save your life. You know how you write your name on your mailbox? Census workers don't. There are kids in Singapore whose job it is to pick raisins out of cereal, and they make fun of census workers.

Here's a fun trick you can play on the government: When the census worker ask you your ethnicity, looked them straight in the eye and tell them you're an eskimo. The government will give all the statistics to the corporations that own it, their marketers will think we're all eskimos, and they'll try to sell us cigarettes by dangling whale blubber in front of us.

PART 4: The Children - Tiny Visions into Ourselves.

Could this non-video game incident affect how many people our children kill? In Kansas City, young Timmy Oakfield said "fuck yes, shitmonkey" by destroying his preschool in his team's victory celebration after a game of Candy Land. When his mommy asked him about his reaction to the LA riots, he had this to say:

"You think you're hard LA? Hard is the post-Candyland riot. Hard is picking the moving half of your friend up from the nap mat and deciding whether or not to use him as a weapon or drag him through the fire to put what's left on ice. I hope you liked your basketball freak-out, LA. That morning in Miss Sweeney's class, we fucking saw God, Jack. We saw his dirty face, and we fucking spit in it."
Also in religious news, Jesus returned to Earth, but after the NBA finals incident, decided to keep it quiet. "That was just a game, and they got so excited they destroyed a city. Think if they found out I came back. I'm the LORD. Plus, look! I can FLY."

Lord Jesus spent the rest of the day playfully soaring through the air and offering to get things out of trees for people. After all the kittens were freed, Jesus started absent mindedly handing out pine cones and other things he found to onlookers. He was too nice a guy for us to tell him to stop, and this reporter even pretended to like a pair of old sneakers Jesus had untangled from a power line and given as a gift.

The riots cost us more than Jesus. To keep us from celebrating the shit out of ourselves, the government withheld their secret plans for both the helicopter that runs on love, the Food Materializer 2000, and are still keeping breast implants out of the national health care coverage. Sure there are those people in the hospital and all the stores that were burned down and looted, but the people who are really suffering from the riots are us.



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