December 11th, 2001
Science Tales of Horror

Finally, from beyond the grave comes a monster that keeps your hands touchably soft.
Noted theologists claim that when someone dies, they are led by naked babies into a breathtaking land in the stars where nothing exists but love and understanding. But one 19th century fat woman says differently. When she died, she turned into soap; a monstrous woman-shaped blob of black mummified soap. Researchers named her "The Soap Lady," put her body on display at the Mόtter Museum in Philadelphia where tourists can view her and other godless monstrosities like a 27-foot-long human colon. Of course, "human" isn't the right thing to call a human with a 27-foot-long colon. If he ever needed a body cavity search, they'd either have to use a submarine or somehow train a giraffe to search buttholes. If he ever turned gay, it would take five homosexuals standing end to end and launched out of a cannon to satisfy him. And do you have any idea of what I could do with the right diet and an ass twenty seven feet deep? That's right-- destroy my enemies' toilets.

Anyway, back to the Soap Lady, she was taken away from her colon roommate, who shall hereby be referred to as Admiral Butthole: Nine Yards of Bad Highway, and moved to a medical research station at Quinnipiac University. Strong-stomached Researchers there ran her horrible mummified body through a number of tests to learn more about soponification, which is what you call it when the fat of a corpse starts turning into a soap-like substance called adipocere. And I'm sure you're already thinking back to the happier time in your life when you didn't know the scientific names for undead detergent mummies and their flesh.

Is this a good idea? Like with all issues involving dead bodies, there are pros and cons to playing with it. While experimenting with it may finally help us prevent future corpses from becoming soap, it puts us all at serious risk. Once you have a monster safely imprisoned in museum plexiglass, the best thing to do is keep it there, surround the area with mines and holy water, and hire military committees to invent protocols to deal with its inevitable escape. Moving the Soap Mummy to a laboratory to get poked at by a bunch of non-combat-trained scientists and just hoping it doesn't come back to life is ridiculous. That's exactly how Body Gel Wolfman and Antiperspirant Frankenstein escaped.

On the other hand, we need to know our enemy. All we've proven so far is that we can name what's wrong with it and at least temporarily capture it. Chemists have also learned that the fatter a corpse is, the more likely it is to soponificate into a soap mummy. This is bad news because keep in mind that the one we have prisoner died in the 1800's. And being fat back in the 19th century was nothing like being fat today. Back then, there was a limit to your obesity-- once you got too fat too chase down a chicken, that was it. You laid down and starved until you were thin enough to get up and catch a chicken again. In our modern society, you can push a button on your Rascal-brand motorized fatty conveyance to get a pre-sliced pizza delivered directly to the beanbag you call a lap. If you're fat enough, the government will buy you midgets to roll your body over and spoon frosting into your mouth. And when you get too tired to swallow, and you will you nasty pile of ham, they're trained to give you an emergency gravy IV. The point is, a soap mummy today would be thirty to forty times stronger than a 19th century soap mummy, and kill-crazy with hunger.

Found off the coast of Japan, history's crappiest sea monster. And I'm not a Japanologist, but it's probably the host of a show called Goo Dinosaur Pantyhose Showdown.
Aside from sitting behind a person with a 27-foot-colon, there is nothing more dangerous than working with mummies. Mummies awaken when you least expect it, attack without mercy, and you need all five ancient pieces of the Anubis Amulet to stop them. Thankfully, their revenge from the tomb is usually only taken out on a museum security guard or curator whose neck gets too close to their death-grip hands. But they have more than just impossible mummy strength. Every month numerous egyptologists are simply melted alive from the power of mummy mind curses. They can't be reasoned with and our weapons only make them stronger. The fact that a mummy isn't from Egypt and made out of soap doesn't make it any safer. It just means they'll leave your skin fresh like a spring clothesline while it's LYING IN A PILE NEXT TO YOUR SKELETON.

Did the Egyptians intentionally learn the secrets of necromancy to terrorize our modern world with the walking corpses of their pharaohs? The answer may surprise you-- I have no idea. I've never even been to Egypt and the only time I've ever seen an actual mummy was while hanging upside down from a speeding helicopter and spraying it with a flamethrower. I do know however, that this isn't the first time adipocere has turned our world upside down. Off the coast of Japan in 1977, a group of fishermen found what they thought to be a prehistoric ocean dinosaur (see nasty thing on right). The country's miniature people were very excited, made some postage stamps about it, and I'm quite sure at least a few of them tried to have sex with it. Since then, scientists have discovered that it was just the corpse of a shark that had soponificated into a monster-shaped chunk of fish goo. Still others have theorized that it indeed was a plesiosaur that somehow survived millions of years only to fall victim in 1977 to a bigfoot's underwater soap ray.

Continue to Part Two: Fruit Punch Penis

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