I don't care how charming this topless restaurant's sign is, you can cross "Freedom to pay some high school dropout to show you her vagina" off your first ammendment rights.

The Supreme Court, in an effort to plan our entire day for us, made one more thing we can't do. As of yesterday, they stated that local communities (a collection of 9 parents and their well-behaved children who love to "get involved") now have the right to force strippers to wear g-strings and pasties while performing. However, the law banning violence from boxing did not get passed, and my lobbying to get asexual cyborgs off the law-making committee has been completely ignored.

Unpopular TV show, Hard Copy was the most excited about the new law, since now they don't have to get clever to show their stock bikini footage. With tits as their top story there's no need for transitions like, "Fourteen people were brutally mutilated and left for dead by Freddy 'Chopchop' Cleaver in Miami, home of THIS RED HOT BEACHSIDE HEALTH CLUB, where sexy co-eds raise more than just weights."

On MSNBC.com, this new law was put to a vote and 12% thought the court "was right because nudity does breed crime." Another 16% thought the court "should have gone even further because nude dancing is immoral." (Some even went on to suggest the dancers place a doilie over their belly buttons, kneepads, or better yet, seal themselves up to their neck in a sleeping bag and roll and hop to caterpillar music.) These statistics are surprising, as they let us know that 28% of the internet public is against nudity. That means 28% of you are too afraid of your own bodies to take a shower. It also means that for every 50 people that see this picture...

...14 of them are going to be pissed off about it. And for those people...

"The public's voice has finally been heard," says the Supreme Court. "We've received several letters over the past few months stating 'There's just too much nudity in nude bars.' We thought the strip clubs would be a more wholesome environment without all the nipples and vaginas showing. You know, just fun! Sort of like a Debbie Gibson video. Electric youth! Feel the power, you seeeee the energy-- Comin' UP! Coming on stro-ong!" The Supreme Court was still singing even after reporters jumped through nearby windows.

The law is most important to anti-nipple Christians, who have complained about accidentally wandering into strip bars and seeing the forbidden milk-spurting sins their lord attached to our chests. As it states in the Dueteronomy section of their doctrine's instruction manual, "The lord sayeth unto Sandi -- Show not thine nipple I giveth thee but instead a sequined nipple-sized star pasted upon it. And cover thine ass's waste hole with this string of one cubits length."

But is this another case of the Supreme Court passing hypocritical laws? Experts say no. All Supreme Court members have had their nipples surgically removed, and their vaginas sealed with hot wax and adobe. "But that's a pretty moot point," said one justice, "part of our oath is that we never get naked under any circumstance," revealing that his robes were indeed permanently stapled onto his sexless body.

To its credit, the new law promises to cut down on crime. As I'm sure you know, doctors have a theorized a behavior known as Post-Nipple Rage whereupon seeing an areola, a blinding and uncontrollable rage comes over the viewer. Some say this theory spread from "idiot" doctors, who are not doctors at all, but simply idiots dressed like them.

Said one stripper, "I was just saying the other day that I thought I had too many decisions to make. I would spend hours wondering if I really wanted people to see my vagina while I was trying to rub against them until they ejaculated. Thanks, Supreme Court! Now I have time to do my shopping!"

Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, had this "kickass" sound byte: "[even if the nude-dancing ban] has some minimal effect on the erotic message by muting that portion of the expression that occurs when the last stitch is dropped, the dancers are free to perform wearing pasties and G-strings. Any effect on overall expression is minimal, and leaves ample capacity to convey the dancer’s erotic message." Justice O'Connor, you even make a skanky failed prostitute slamming her ass against my lap sound like poetry. Speaking of poetry...

Zappin' it to ya
The pressure's everywhere
Goin' right through ya!
The fever's in the air
Oh yeah, it's there!
Don't underestimate the power
of a lifetime ahead
Electric youth!!

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