Powers: Truck Driver
You might have known from Sylvester Stallone's arm wrestling child custody drama, Over the Top, that the life of a long-haul truck driver hardens a man. Bar fight after bar fight, smokey on your tail, your clumsy stream of pee barely hitting the inside of the Mountain Dew bottle you use as a toilet. It's life on the open road, and it's the best. But sometimes you need to make a difference, and it's only a matter of time before a truck driver moves on to becoming a full-time superhero. Razorback put away his Wranglers and his "No Fat Chicks" t-shirt, and replaced them with tights and gold boots. He still wears the old belt buckle, though. And good luck figuring this one out - a pig shaped hat that shoots electricity. Maybe his dumbass should have turned the engines off while he slept in his truck.
His real name's Buford, but when you're dressed up like a green pig, a shitty name is the least of your worries. Even if he did have a good explanation, you wouldn't understand a word of it. Everything that came out of his mouth was eather half-chewed beef jerky or indecipherable trucker lingo. I've seen Smokey and the Bandit four or five times, and I still never knew what the hell he was trying to say.
The one thing he did say a lot was anything about his electrified mane. "You know speaking of electricity, good buddy, my electrified mane is electric!" By the end of his fights he wouldn't even try to transition into it. He'd just excitedly shout "electrified mane" while he shot sparks everywhere. It's a damn electric pig hat, Razorback. I know that's kind of weird and everything, but shut the fuck up.
Razorback also had a customized super semi named the "BIG PIG" that came when he called it. According to him it was the "fastest semi-rig north, east, south, or west of t-city, arkansas!" That didn't help put it into perspective for me at all, so I flipped through the rest of the comic to see if the truck ever talked. It doesn't. And I only have two categories of semis. The kind that kick fucking ass, and the kind that don't talk.
I don't know how Razorback got the money for his stuff. Most truck drivers I've seen have to order their eggs without gravy and still fuck the 80 year old diner waitress to afford their breakfast. So in the sake of research, I tried to see what the actual cost would have been for the BIG PIG and Razorback's outfit. It didn't work out well, and I'd like to send a special message to Radio Shack receptionists -- If someone calls you asking for a cost estimate on a warthog helmet that fires lightning bolts, don't just hang up on them. They might be serious. I was so pissed, I didn't even bother to call the car dealership about building a supertruck. I'm pretty sure Buford must have had a 900 number on his CB to afford everything.
Razorback: "Howdy, good buddy, you're talkin' at the Big Pig on the Big Pig's Pig Talk hotline! I'm at mile marker 82!"
Caller: "Oh, you sound like a naughty pig. What are you wearing?"
Razorback: "Yellow kitchen gloves, matching boots and belt, black stretch-suit, and a headdress made out of a dead pig that shoots electricity."
Caller: "Holy shit."
You can only imagine how often someone is IN FOR SHOCK when his hat gets electric. Also, if you fall down next to him, expect to hear THANKS FOR DROPPING IN! He's really innovative in looking like an idiot, but his idiot one-liners are so cliché, he might as well have a morning talk show.
Some films aren't "just movies." Some films redefine a generation. Some films have action combat dogs teamed up with hilariously reluctant karate cops. And then there are films like Over the Top that meet you halfway across the sky, in the fight of your life.
What are you trying to say, Razorback? Does that mess mean that your sister a whore? If you want us to know what the fuck you're talking about, speak English. Not everybody spent their developing years on a CB talking at handles about hooters and mudflaps.
Okay, I think I know what that means, Razorback. You're trying to tell Spider-Man that you've been really gay lately, right? This trucker lingo isn't so hard to understand.
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This crime against good taste was in Peter Parker, the Spectacular Spider-Man #13-15, and according to my closet, he never came back.