It's ironic someone dressed like an ice cream salesman is the one giving out fashion advice (see above, below). Maybe not ironic... maybe it's just sad.

Name: Turner D. Century Powers: Lust for elderly, bad dresser, great umbrella shopper, moustache Turner D. Century hates young people so much he's declared war on them. Not using some strange ability, deadly power, or even criminal genius. Mr. D. Century uses an umbrella that shoots flame and a flying bicycle built for two. And since he has no friends, colleagues, or even any fucking dignity, he doesn't have anyone to ride on the back seat. So he dressed up a mannequin in a pink dress and bonnet and stuck her on. I can't tell if it's his girlfriend or just a villainous plot to ride in the carpool lane, but no matter what it is, it takes a pathetic lack of self respect to go through with. I don't want to judge a person just for sticking their D. Century in a doll, but if you add in the hat, the green suit, the flying gay bike, an umbrella that shoots fire, and a handlebar moustache, then yeah - I think I can safely call you whatever I want. And it gets worse. Burning people alive for being young is one thing, but this guy built a town of wax people. Then he arranged them so they looked like they were having parades while he gave speeches to them. I guess they were pretty important speeches too - check out how pissed he gets when Spider-Woman interrupts it: I think it's also worth mentioning that Spider-Woman seems way too impressed by neatly arranged wax people wearing Turner D. Century hats. And speaking of his hat, look how he's cleverly attached his to his head with a string. Is there no end to this man's craftiness? He tore the head off his girlfriend! And... and it's a napalm bomb. You know, I was saying earlier how I was against fucking dolls, but I think it might get kind of exciting if while you were humping it, it's head could burst into deadly flame at any second. It'd be kind of like when you choke yourself while you're watching Eric Roberts movies.

While he's trying to escape from Spider-Woman, Turner takes the time to stop and give a flower to someone's fat grandma. Just a hint of a creepy geriatric lust is mixed in with an overwhelming air of "confirmed bachelor." Turner has a pretty good excuse for being so fucked up. This little guy in the car raised him. Also, this "wizened, hoary figure could only be" the one who designed the unstoppable flame umbrella and flying bike. Morgan MacNeil Hardy was my favorite villain to pretend to be when I was a kid. I would build cardboard cars and sit in them, announcing to anyone who came too close, "Choo Choo Midget... at your service." Jesus - that damn midget would screw up anybody's childhood. He's sitting in a little zoomzoom motorchair in a fucking bathrobe. If that thing emerged from any shadows near me, they'd still be having to come up with names for all my psychoses.

It's time to make your honk honked. Honk here to vote on what you think is the craziest honking thing this honk has wrong with him. Thinking that he could beat anybody. Dressing up the doll, putting the doll on his flying bike, tearing the head off the doll, exploding a city with the doll, humping the remains. Giving speeches to the town of dolls that wouldn't get on the bike with him. That creepy little shadow-emerging super midget that raised him.

Bibliography: Most of the pictures were scanned from Spider-Woman #33, "Yesterday's Villain!" where the world learned the true terror of Turner D. Century's umbrella. Spider-Woman and her handicapped computer pal tracked down Turner's creepy wax person town and killed his midget dad. A couple other pictures were taken from Marvel Team-Up #120, "Old Soldiers." (bonus image) In that mess, Turner made a horn that killed people under 65, but it didn't work and Spider-Man punched him. Thankfully, in Captain America #319, "Overkill," a guy named Scourge infiltrated a super-villain meeting disguised in a t-shirt and shot Turner with a machine gun proving that no matter what painful thing your umbrella shoots, it's still probably more effective to have something that fires a bunch of bullets. Here's the touching scene.

Goodbye sweet friends. You and the little turd man will fly through our hearts forever on your stupid fucking flying bike. Back to the Stupid Comics Page.