Whose Advice are we Taking? A Closer Look.


Above: a helpful message from the Surgeon General, ruler of the doctors. Below: a helpful message from Chuck, screen-printing/decal line supervisor, plastic bag factory.


We don't listen to warning labels, and I can prove it. On every pack of cigarettes, it TELLS YOU IT'S GOING TO KILL YOU. This isn't a warning label on a plastic bag that was written by some asshole at the plastic bag factory. The warning on cigarettes comes from the Surgeon General. You can ignore advice from non-surgeons. If your stupid friend tells his girlfriend the key to curing her cold is plenty of rest and giving him head, she'll remind them, "Hey, you're not a doctor!" right before she gives him head. Well the Surgeon General is a doctor. In fact, they're the supreme commander of doctors. If doctors were to start a war against the bowlers or the bird watchers, the Surgeon General would have the biggest hat and stand at the back of the army shouting, "Hold the line, men! Take two of these FISTS and call me in the morning!" Read the pack of cigarettes. If the Surgeon General tells you something might kill you and give your future kids extra toes and eyes, listen to him. Do you need a warning from the Surgeon Jesus before you start taking advice?

And trust me, if the world isn't listening to life-or-death advice from the Surgeon General, they're going to ignore the shit out of the fine print on a plastic bag. In fact, if through some tragic accident you end up looking through a Skymall catalog, people are selling plastic bags that you wear over your head. For fire safety. Because the best way to deal with a fiery death is to distract yourself with a smaller, stupider crisis.


I think it's genius that a deadly plastic bag is only one thermos full of air away from becoming a life-saving device for at home or on vacation. Whoever came up with the idea is probably smarter than the dude that knows how much coffee Starbucks has in the back. So next time one of your family members is sleeping, take the necessary precautions. Put a few plastic bags over their head. Because you never know when a fire will start, and it's best to always be prepared.

Murray: "Life is hard here at the bag factory. Hey wait. Check this out, Mike. I think if we take the warnings off these things, we can sell them to people to protect from smoke inhalation."

Mike: "They'll be protected from regular inhalation too. That means they'll die, Murray."

Murray: "But not from fire!"

Mike: "People with plastic bags over their head sound like this: 'hweeeeeeeeee!'"

Murray: "Ha ha ha ha ha!"

Boomerang Tiara! The non-smoking commercials are actually funded by the company that makes cigarettes. It's like they're taunting us. Are they flash-framing subliminal messages at us? How can half the country smoke when the only thing on my TV is lists of tobacco death statistics. We know more about what cigarette does to the human body than than anyone knows about anything else. Unless you count my knowledge of Wonder Woman's breasts, and you don't.

They have to be mocking us. One of the commercials actually says "Tobacco is Wacko (if you're a teen)." That's the kind of shit you'd hear from a person in a fucking puppy costume. That's the kind of campaign that can get non-smokers called fags in their schools. Did the mormons decide to take over on the anti-smoking ads for a week or something? I know they did a great job spreading that crazy religion around the country, but getting cigarettes out of kids mouths is a lot harder than getting people to go to church. Church is seductive; you get everlasting life and those lenghty painful medical procedures are reduced to getting slapped in the head by a man on a stage. Convincing a kid to not smoke is a harder kind of mind control. You remember the mind control used on us that made us all lay down and cover our heads every day at 4:00? Of course you don't. Because the Russians don't want you to.

People claimed Joe Camel marketed tobacco to kids. Bullshit. Think of all the forest fires that got started just to piss Smokey the Bear off. Kids hate you. They hate your irrational bitchy asses. Nicotine barely makes you high. You can smoke 50 cigarettes, and still get about as high as you would if you held your breath for half a minute. So they're not doing it to get high, and the fact that most of us are still sane after the Super Friends and the Banana Splits proves that kids don't base their lives on what cartoon animals say. Fuck Joe Camel. They're doing it because they know that if their lobbying parents are trying to get rid of something, it must kick ass. Remember video games, sex, alcohol, not being somebody, drugs, and fire hazards? Of course you don't. Because the Russians don't want you to.

Cigarettes give you black lungs, shortness of breath, yellow teeth, your clothes smell like something you spilled on the stove, and then you die coughing forty years before your friends. The Surgeon General or a man in a puppy suit might have mentioned all that. But what they didn't mention was that cigarettes give your hands something to do when you're in a bar. People who don't smoke nervously fidget their hands around all night. Biology did what it could; it gave women breasts so man would have something to grab onto instead of fidgeting. This groping helps keep them from taking up smoking. So next time you're in a bar and a woman gets mad at you for pawing her chest, tell her to shut up. You're saving lives.


Above: Erik Sprague, also known as The Amago. He's surgically turned himself into as much as a lizard as possible by chopping a gap in his tongue, inserting spikes in his face, and coloring on himself. He's not really talented, useful, or successful, but he knew that if he turned himself into a big enough lizard freak, it could be his full-time job. Is it trading your self-respect for money? Maybe. All I know is that you never hear about these people having other accomplishments. It's never "Next on Conan: pulitzer-prize winner and dinosaur-man..." or "Today in Atlanta, a local half-man, half-puzzle, ALL-mystery microbiologist discovered a new strain of bacteria that may help slushees maintain their slush outside of freezing temperatures."
Suing someone for spilling hot coffee on yourself makes you money. But it's sort of admitting to the world that you're such a retard you can't be responsible for your own actions. You know, in addition to being greedy, helplessly stupid, and dangerously clumsy. Of course, most people respond to lawsuits like that by saying, "They won't think you're such an idiot when you have A MILLION DOLLARS!" Yeah... no one hates rich people. But think about this: if you would really sell your pride and respect for money, why aren't you doing it right now? If you want money, take a shit in your hand and eat it. There are travelling freak shows that are always looking for people that can do stuff like that. Have you seen the Tom Green show? He may not be a genius, but he was smart enough to know that if he makes himself look like a big enough moron, people will pay him for it. (See Lizard Man sidebar to learn more)

There are other reasons everyone's turning sarcastic. Have you ever had a friend who gives you obvious advice? You'll be over at their house putting their pets in the microwave, and he'll say "Hey, if you need to use my microwave, hit the amount of time you want to cook the thing, and then hit start." You'll probably say, "Duh" or "No shit, Captain Microwave Handbook," but you shouldn't be mad at your friend. Eighty percent of the people they or you run into need help with things like microwaves and what's okay to rub into your skin. We've been breeding stupid people for generations. They're notoriously fertile [the stupid]. If you meet someone with 10 siblings, their family stories inevitably involve government assistance, parole, drunk driving, and a brother or two that sell pages torn out of porno magazines outside the middle school. The non-stupid have a tendency to have babies on purpose and at planned intervals, and it's raising the ratio of imbeciles to regulars to astonishing levels.

Let's assume only half the people on the planet were stupid at one time. The nonstupid married, then had a kid or two, raised them like Dr. Spock told them to, and worked hard to put them through college. In contrast, the stupids had a kid or two, then got married, had a few more kids, found out about a couple more on a TV talk show, and worked hard to save money to hit the lottery to put their kids through a plate glass window after they got fired from the cannery.

In a few generations, the nonstupid will have been bred to extinction. So don't blame your friend for giving you obvious advice. The guy he had over yesterday didn't know how the soap dispenser worked, had to chew it open with his teeth, and knocked himself out because you never told him there was no diving in the bathtub. Everyone wants to get treated like they're a genius, but the fact is, we can't afford the risk. You might look smart enough to hide the rat poison from your children, but there are others who are smart enough to know that if you don't get specific instructions for everything you do, it can cost them hundreds of millions of dollars when your kid makes a pesticide milkshake.

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