Desaad's Amazing Button
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Darkseid Tries Again With Wonder Woman
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Darkseid vs. Super Friends
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Darkseid's Great Presentation
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Visit beautiful Apokalips, where everything is either shaped like Darkseid or covered in monkey shit and lava.

Darkseid was the Super Friends arch-nemesis for the last season of the show. That was the season when it was still crappy enough to suck, but not quite crappy enough to be good. Darkseid was never very creative with his plans to conquer us. Not like how Brainiac would train kittens to mind control us and get us to steal a super-laser for him that turned us into sandwiches. The Super Friends had to do the most ridiculous things to stop shit like that. The Bat computer would tell them to dress up like penguins and get a crystal from the center of a planet in another dimension, coat it in chocolate, and jam it in Aquaman's ear when he's not looking. Darkseid would just shoot at us with space ships. The only plan the Super Friends have to come up with is: Punch Spaceship. Nice plan Darkseid. The Super Friends might be complete morons in tights, but at least they'll probably think to try that.

Darkseid's biggest problem is that there are no women where he was from. He owned an entire planet, giant statues shaped like him, a huge army of space ships, and he still couldn't get a girl. Besides his freaky sidekicks, the only things that live on Apokalips are flying monkeys and crappy robots. It's why almost every single one of his plans was just him trying to get laid. It kind of looked like he was trying to conquer us. He would hold the world hostage with an armada of space ships, but then he'd come on everybody's TV and say, "I will spare your puny planet IF! ... Wonder Woman promises to become my bride." That's why we hated his creepy ass so much. Lex Luthor tried to kill us and make us his slaves, but at least he wasn't a date rapist.

Maybe he was jealous because our planet isn't a smoldering pile of crap like his is yet. Maybe he's upset about his receding hairline or because he couldn't give his retarded son, Kalibak, the special attention he needed. Do you think Kalibak is tough because of super powers? Hell no, he's tough because of a lifetime of running his head into things. You fall off the roof into a pile of nails and trash enough times and you'll be a badass too.

You have your own planet, Darkseid, and you turned it into a volcanic toilet. You couldn't even keep your own lawn mowed. Hell you couldn't keep your lawn from spitting up lava. Do you really think you'll be able to do better if you have two planets. What are you going to use Earth for anyway? Is one planet going to be your summer home? Is Earth going to be your guest planet? I hope so. It's sad if the Earth conquering thing is just another scheme to get Wonder Woman. If you can't get laid with one planet, I don't think she's going to throw her panties at you after you get two. You don't ask a chick to the prom on a bike and then sweeten the deal by showing her she gets her own.

Darkseid's Robots

Desaad was the mad scientist that hung out with Darkseid. He was in charge of cleaning up any messes Kalibak made when he got off his leash. And his only super power besides his love for his bathrobe was a giant metal case he wore on his chest. And pushing buttons on it fired a laser that pushed buttons somewhere else. It was a shittier super item than the Electric Bat-Toothbrush or the Aqua belt buckle. Pushing buttons from a few feet away... was he a hypocondriac or something? If you wanted a device that can push a button that's out of your reach, how about a stick or a smart monkey? In fact, that'd be a lot better than that 80 pound backpack thing. Then you'd at least have something you could hit superheroes with. You can't hit Batman with the giant thing on your chest, but you could nail him in the face with a monkey or a stick. And if it's early enough in the episode, a good bonk with a stick can take any good guy out. In fact, the only time you really need to worry about the good guys is when they find you at the very end of the show. They start to remember about all their powers, and have all their good puns rehearsed.

So Desaad's only powers were his superhumanly germ-free hands, and that's about how useful Darkseid's other sidekick was too. Kalibak couldn't do anything without asking his Father! for detailed instructions. He wore the same outfit every day and it still took him five minutes on the intercom just to get dressed. "Father!! My pants aren't zipped up yet! Shall I zip them?!" He had a little baton that shot lasers which is about 20 times better than anything the Legion of Doom ever spent all weekend building, but what good was it if he couldn't pull it out of his lunchbox without begging for help from daddy?

I can see all the work trying to lay Wonder Woman. She's almost too hot to look at. I've never had sex without closing my eyes and thinking about Wonder Woman at least a little bit. But Darkseid was not going to get her. He was worse with romance than inmates on Scared Straight juvenile visitation day. "Hey, fresh meat! When you boys get in here, you won't look so pretty!"

Don't blame Darkseid; if your only friends were a loud idiot spaz and an insane doctor with a toaster strapped to his chest, you wouldn't have a clue about girls either. But you might at least try to blackmail out a relationship with a slave wife that can't tear your spaceship apart with her bare hands. That's going to get really old really fast. When Wonder Woman's not in the mood, she's not going to tell you she has a headache. She's going to kick you through the wall and wrap your ears around your face. Not like that's going to help Darkseid take a hint. Wonder Woman could say, "Darkseid, you sicken me beyond belief. I don't care if the Earth will blow up. I'm not touching your disgusting bald ass." And Darkseid would just say, "What are you trying to tell me, sweetie? Are you saying we should start doing it on my lunch break?" She could jam a pair of scissors in his crotch, and he'd still get out his guitar. He might be tough as hell and have the management skills to keep an entire planet crappy and half dead, but he doesn't have a clue when it comes to women.