I'm not sure if he could fly or not, even though he did it every couple weeks. With the Super Friends, it was hard to tell when you were supposed to ignore small details like someone taking off into the air. Some errors were like Japanese puppeteers, where you can see the men in black robes contolling the octopus puppet when it attacks the school girl puppet, but it's the job of the audience to pretend not to notice them and concentrate solely on the horrible puppets while they rape one another with their tentacles. Although in American entertainment the romance is usually consentual and between creatures of the same species, we still sometimes have a responsibility to not pay attention when Black Vulcan's panties suddenly transform into pants or Batman's head decides to turn orange. And we have to not notice all those times when the intern took over writing the show and they forgot to tell him the Flash can't fly.

Besides periodicaly flying and running fast, Flash could do almost anything he wanted if he mentioned vibrating and molecules right before it. One of his tricks was vibrating his molecules so fast that he could walk through things. My grandma used to be able to do that after she got Parkinson's. Whenever we weren't watching, she'd vibrate so rapidly that her molecules would pass right through her chair and smack into the floor. I'm just kidding, I fixed her chair's cushion with a hydraulic system that launched her into the air every time someone clapped.

Flash finished marking off all the boxes on his superhero checklist when he got a teen sidekick named Kid Flash. I don't know how the public accepted all these heroes' infant sidekicks. Besides the Catholic church, no other organization hires 10 year old assistants. Being a superhero is a lot like being a cop, and if we were watching Cops and one of the policemen was chasing a car thief with a kid dressed up as a little cop sitting next to him, we would think that was crazy. Forget about how irresponsible that is to the kid's safety. I want to know why superheroes need to hire their apprentices so young. It takes five minutes to learn everything you need to know to be a superhero. You do really stupid things and talk to yourself while they're going on, and if you happen to be foreign, then speak every fifth word in your native tongue. There, you're done. Go find someone with a gun that melts human flesh and punch them.

Flash had to be a joke with the female super heroes. According to lifestyle magazines, men average about 60 seconds in bed before they climax. That's probably bullshit, since it's about 10 minutes shorter than even the most honest man would ever admit to. But even if the 60 seconds crap was true, that would be 6000 years for the Flash, and that's too long to try to think about baseball. The Flash is probably done before the sound of his apologies can reach Wonder Woman's ears. And if you thought it was degrading that she had to fight crime in a bikini, wait until she tells the rest of the Super Friends about Flash's bedroom shame.