Click here to watch the episode in its entirety (4:34)
I know it's tempting to call the Super Friends every time a problem comes up in your life. One morning I had such a bad hangover I was making coffee out of tile cleaner and kitty litter. I knew that if I didn't get some superhuman help, an attempt at eggs might kill me. But I didn't strap on my turban and pop up on the Super Friends' TV to bother them with my little problems. I made an omelette out of a towel and hair just so Green Lantern didn't have to waste his amazing power cooking my breakfast. And in the time he would have spent rescuing me from a dangerously non-tasty meal, he got called to move the Earth out of the way of a giant comet. So by not calling, I had a big part in saving our planet.
Green Lantern Memories Part 2: The Forgetful Demigod
Speaking of giant comets coming at our planet, that's exactly what happened one day. A group of yellow comets sent by Green Lantern's purple-headed nemesis Sinestro were about to kill us. And since Green Lantern's powers don't work on anything yellow, he decided he should be the hero take care of it. The rest of the Super Friends are all magnificent idiots, so they agreed, even though Hawkman has a better chance against a yellow comet than Green Lantern. They would have been better off sending Aquaman and hoping the comet was enough parts fish he could ask it to go away.
At the last minute, Green Lantern remembers he can't stop the comets, so he shoves the Earth out of the way. Before I mention how bad an idea this is, I should give you my background in physics. I didn't go to a "good rich boy" school, so our physics midterm was the teacher pointing to things in the lab and we wrote down whether or not it would hurt to touch them. For the final, she held up a ball and we had to shout out what direction it was going to go if she dropped it. So I have no scientific community backing me when I tell Green Lantern that moving the Earth is a shitty idea. I can't give a speech on how long it's going to take for people to start boiling alive when our orbit turns into a death spiral into the sun. I can't tell you about the tides, plate tectonics, or any of that shit. We all thank Green Lantern for trying. The planet will probably live a few more months now that it's not going to get hit by comets, but there's something about his plan I haven't mentioned yet that especially bothered me. After he moved the Earth, he FORGOT TO PUT IT BACK. That's not like leaving the milk out, asshole.
Click here to watch it. (1:00)
SUPER RATING: 7
He needs to recharge his ring every day, so if you can get yellow body paint that stays vibrant for 24 hours, consider yourself invincible. If you can't find anything like that, I've constructed the ultimate team to take on Green Lantern. They're called the Green Crushers, and they mean business: