SUPER THEATER!!

Greatest Cartoon Ever (old school)
Video (0:45)


Meet Kairo! (old school)
Video (0:48)


Giant Hands
Video (1:02)


vs. Sinestro... in space.
Video (1:01)


Classic Error: The Three Armed Jouster
Video (0:52)


vs. Green Lantern Android
Video (0:35)


Bizarro Crimes Against Humanity
Video (0:28)


Saves George Washington's Head
Video (0:44)


Rescues Kairo then Rescues Kairo (old school)
Video (1:01)


Fantastic Mousetrap
Video (1:01)


Kairo: Assrider From The Stars (old school)
Video (0:32)


vs. Yellow Bat Guys (old school)
Video (0:35)

The Trouble Alert is not a toy. Find a tranquilizer gun or a regular gun, or maybe an elephant-proof peanut suit covered in elephant poison. An elephant's going to win a fistfight with an unarmed human, but it still shouldn't take Green Lantern and Superman to catch it. There are elephants down at the zoo that I'm assuming got there without the help of Green Lantern. I guess it's possible Green Lantern works for the zoo acquistions department. Zoo pamphlets don't exactly say things like, "Murray is a New World monkey from the rain forests of Brazil. He was brought to our zoo when a hunter clubbed him in the face with his rifle and smuggled him across the border in a bag filled with cocaine and tiger penises." Your Zoo-Time Family Map won't tell you how many darts they shot into the neck of the adorable creatures, but they do show you the best route to Penguin Paradise, Cotton Candy Cottage, and Safari Urinal House.

Click here to watch the episode in its entirety (4:34)

I know it's tempting to call the Super Friends every time a problem comes up in your life. One morning I had such a bad hangover I was making coffee out of tile cleaner and kitty litter. I knew that if I didn't get some superhuman help, an attempt at eggs might kill me. But I didn't strap on my turban and pop up on the Super Friends' TV to bother them with my little problems. I made an omelette out of a towel and hair just so Green Lantern didn't have to waste his amazing power cooking my breakfast. And in the time he would have spent rescuing me from a dangerously non-tasty meal, he got called to move the Earth out of the way of a giant comet. So by not calling, I had a big part in saving our planet.


Green Lantern Memories Part 2: The Forgetful Demigod

Speaking of giant comets coming at our planet, that's exactly what happened one day. A group of yellow comets sent by Green Lantern's purple-headed nemesis Sinestro were about to kill us. And since Green Lantern's powers don't work on anything yellow, he decided he should be the hero take care of it. The rest of the Super Friends are all magnificent idiots, so they agreed, even though Hawkman has a better chance against a yellow comet than Green Lantern. They would have been better off sending Aquaman and hoping the comet was enough parts fish he could ask it to go away.

At the last minute, Green Lantern remembers he can't stop the comets, so he shoves the Earth out of the way. Before I mention how bad an idea this is, I should give you my background in physics. I didn't go to a "good rich boy" school, so our physics midterm was the teacher pointing to things in the lab and we wrote down whether or not it would hurt to touch them. For the final, she held up a ball and we had to shout out what direction it was going to go if she dropped it. So I have no scientific community backing me when I tell Green Lantern that moving the Earth is a shitty idea. I can't give a speech on how long it's going to take for people to start boiling alive when our orbit turns into a death spiral into the sun. I can't tell you about the tides, plate tectonics, or any of that shit. We all thank Green Lantern for trying. The planet will probably live a few more months now that it's not going to get hit by comets, but there's something about his plan I haven't mentioned yet that especially bothered me. After he moved the Earth, he FORGOT TO PUT IT BACK. That's not like leaving the milk out, asshole.
Click here to watch it. (1:00)

SUPER RATING: 7
He needs to recharge his ring every day, so if you can get yellow body paint that stays vibrant for 24 hours, consider yourself invincible. If you can't find anything like that, I've constructed the ultimate team to take on Green Lantern. They're called the Green Crushers, and they mean business:

Party Pants Fatty
Yellow only seems to work on Green Lantern when both he, the bad guys, and the writers remember. But none of them will be able to forget about it when there's THIS MUCH YELLOW. Using her party pants, Party Pants Fatty can fill the entire sky with yellow and trap Green Lantern within the ham-scented prison. His only chance would be to slap the ass until it turns red, making it susceptable to his ring's powers.

Man Dressed Like Banana, Sam
"Hi! I'm Sam, and I represent Pensicola Produce! I'm available for parties and receptions any night my mom doesn't need the car! I can make your event wacky or bonkers, but I specialize in making people go... BANANAS!"

TV's David Cassidy
He doesn't have any powers, and unless he has an accident, isn't yellow, but every villainous team needs a bitter average guy who's absolutely positive he's the most amazing man in the world. As a former singer/actor turned spaz Vegas performer, David Cassidy is the living equivalent of Lex Luthor with more hair and a faggier outfit (if you can believe that). He'll lead the attack with a love song and an irrational ego.

Pikachu!
It's yellow and adorable, and like the Legion of Doom, it won't have that lurid genitalia bulge when it puts on tights. Pikachu's also pure of heart enough to get a dramatic tear in its eye after the Green Crushers "go too far." And they will.