 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
 Solomon Grundy was the only Legion of Doom member that wasn't expected to build little robodevices. While Bizarro, Luthor, and Grodd were busy pulling out boxes of laser props and showing off their latest flying killer toys, Solomon Grundy's albino ass was trying to piece legoes together to make a ramp for his hot wheels. "Solomon Grundy build device too! Zooom!" He was a zombie, so I'm assuming he ate brains. Did you ever wonder why the Legion of Doom was so stupid? It might be because Solomon Grundy is sneaking around their Darth-Vader-Head base at night with a spoon and snacking on their heads. It's probably why they're all insane too. You wake up in the middle of the night with a giant zombie sticking a spoon in your ear, and see how coherent you are in the morning. Grundy's a selective eater, though. He left everyone enough brain to walk around and talk, but he ate the part that helps remind them to wear pants. In Grodd's case, he ate the part that helps him remember to wear a shirt too. One of these nights, he's going to get out of control and eat that part of the brain that keeps you from doing somersaults all day. You're going to see a ball of villain flying down the street screaming, "Can't. Resist. Somersault! What have you done to us, Grundy?!!!" His biggest problem besides sunburns was not being able to use first person pronouns. He'd never say, "I'm heading to the park for a hotdog. Can I get anyone anything?" He'd put his foot through something and scream "Solomon Grundy eat dog! Solomon Grundy bring back some for you?" It's why even on a team of career morons like the Legion of Doom, he still got called "the dumb one." That's a pretty notable super ability already. Kind of like when Joey McIntyre became a little bit too much of a pussy for the rest of the New Kids on the Block.  We're used to egomaniacs talking in the third person. People like Dr. Doom, MC Hammer, and delusional people who insist their first name is "The" have been doing it for years. It takes more than that to really let everyone know you like yourself. I think Grundy should go to the mall and get one of those shirts with his own head on the front. Shit, now that I think about it, even one of those mall sweatshirts that say, "My grandkids BLANK, BLANK, and BLANK think I'm GRRRREAT!" would be a better super villain uniform. It looks like Solomon's shopping for clothes in his homeless uncle's grocery cart. You know, Solomon should go to the mall even if it's not to get a better crime outfit than his Frankenstein Halloween costume. He might finally be able to win a fight when the two fat guys with badges and walkie talkies try to kick him out of Cinnabon. Grundy's at least that tough. His colleague Toyman's going to have to pick a fight at the daycare center, though. And he'd better make his move at naptime.
No one ever mentioned it on the show, but I bet Grundy's main super power was really smelling like ass. Maybe that was Luthor's plan - make sure all the Super Friends have to hold their breath when they're fighting him. Think of poor Lex, though. He used to have all these great plans to take over the world, and now he's so busy cleaning Grundy smell off his carpet, he hasn't had time to build a laser in months. He used to give speeches about how doomed the foolish super fools were, and now the only thing he says is, "Sit on the paper, Grundy!" If you pay attention to the Super Friends, you'll notice no one ever gets hit. There could be 30 people in an elevator that fight for a living and hate each other, and no one got touched. That was because of the censors. But with Solomon Grundy it was something different. When the Super Friends stopped a space warrior by luring him onto a roller skate that throws him onto a pile of pillows-- that stupid shit was the censors' fault. When the giant robot got trapped by a ring of flimsy sticks that fell into the ground around him-- the censors. But when everyone stayed 200 feet away from Solomon Grundy and threw things at him-- that wasn't the censors. That was because he smelled like a god damn armpit someone covered in sour cream and left in the sun. The cartoon's No Punching Rule was harder on Grundy than it was for the other villains. Most of them still had things they could throw or gadgets they could push buttons on. If you take away Solomon Grundy's ability to punch, he's as useless as a first base coach. The only thing he could do during a fight is something we called the "Grab Attack" as kids. It was a complicated move where he grabbed the other guy until they pulled free or shoved him off. Sometimes they waited until he carried them around a little bit. You might have inadvertently used this same move on your kitten or a bag of groceries. Just remember, every time you're carrying a case of beer to the hooker in your car, you're kicking as much ass as Solomon Grundy, and that's not even counting when you punch the hooker. Solomon Grundy seemed to know he couldn't talk, so he was careful to act out everything he said. Like if he was going to smash someone, he would smash something like a table or a paper maché sculpture of the person's head. And if he wanted to tell everyone how much ice tea he'd had, he'd pee in his hobo zombie pants. He was a lot like a mime, only less gay, and when you shove him to make your friends laugh, he can kick the crap out of you. The Legion of Doom would have saved so much on repairs if Grundy could have expressed himself without breaking things. Maybe give him a puppet, or teach him words like "very" and "really." That way, if he really really wanted to crush someone, he could tell Luthor rather than put him in a headlock and illustrate the attack by noogie-ing his hair off. Teach the guy how to make an analogy, or for special occasions say how he's going to "crush the Super Friends harder than anyone has ever been crushed." Everyone will know he's serious about the crushing, and there's no chunks of furniture all over the floor.   |
|
Special Super Villain Costume Makeover Advice:
Outfits like this are usually the work of geniuses, but if you're not a genius, you can still put together something close to it. Leave a retarded kid in a closet for a half hour. When you come back, write down what they've decided to wear and congratulations! You have a new costume that's ready to bring the world to its knees. Take note: this is the same technique the Shark used to come up with the idea to arm his men with blow dryers.
