Searching for Himself
Video (0:23)

Shitty Rescue
Video (0:59)

Saves the Astronauts!
Video (1:00)

"Those Cats Have a Real Blast!"
Video (0:44)

Painful Time Travel Pun
Video (1:00)

Hawkman Going Into Action!
Video (0:46)

vs. Underground Crab Thing
Video (0:50)

vs. Toyman
Video (0:14)


Don't get me wrong. Flying is pretty cool. But if you're a super hero, it might as well be the ability to read. This chart is to figure out which one is more fantastic:

Flying! Literacy!
Not everybody can do it, and it comes in handy when you fall off something high. Not everybody can do it, and it comes in handy when you need to learn how to make macaroni and cheese.
All the Super Friends who can't fly can just hop in a little supercar or something invisible that flies. All the people who can't read still probably know how to boil water, and they can guess what to do with the bag of orange dust that smells like cheese.
Once you can fly, it opens up a wonderful world of magical possibilities. Once you can read, you open doorways into your own imagination.
While you're flying, you can drop things on people's heads. While you're reading, you can learn how to build explosives out of feces, and use them to explode people's heads.

And that's including Hawkgirl. The only good thing about them is the money they saved the Super Friends. Everyone else needed rockets and jets and skateboards, but Hawkman and Hawkgirl had wings right there on their backpacks. They could fly themselves to any crisis. Of course, once they were there, they learned what most of us already figured out. Regular people can't fly, but they can kick Hawkman's pigeon ass as soon as he lands.

Every group needs a guy like Hawkman -- someone stupid enough to do whatever you tell him. When we were kids, we always had one friend who would eat things you found on the ground to see if it would kill you. He'd touch the fence to see if it was electrified, and you could shove him into the river to see if the water was cold. Sometimes just for fun, you'd make him eat a soup you made out of ketchup and grape jelly. It took some work to trick him sometimes, but deep down he knew it was his job. He knew he could be replaced if he ever objected too much. Why do you think the Super Friends sent Hawkman first whenever a weird glowing thing fell from the sky? "Damn. Whatever that is, it looks pretty radioactive.... Hawkman, you're the only one... strong... enough to go look at it. We'll monitor you from here."

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