The Legion of Doom had everything they needed. A bald guy, a gorilla, and a robot in its underwear. But somehow the world still ignored them when they ran outside and declared themselves absolute dictators. That's when the guy in the back wearing green pantyhose said, "What if we told everyone what we were going to do before we did it?" Perfect. It was a little bit more evil than their previous idea of NOT telling everyone their plans, and a lot better than their idea before that -- Tree House.

The Riddler's power was giving the heroes clues to help them on their way. He wasn't an informant or a traitor, though; I think he just really liked the friendly prison life, and could never wait to get back. The saddest part of his amazing ability to gossip was the huge deal he made out of it. He couldn't just call the Super Friends and tell them his evil plans, he'd stay up all night to make sure it was all in the form of a shitty poem. When he popped up on the Trouble Alert, he seriously was so excited about his riddle he could barely keep from humping the screen.

When the Super Friends thought through a riddle, it was like a man with a head wound reading random words out of a dictionary. So the Riddler brought more to the show than just a new standard in Fucking Stupid. His Super Riddles* helped us see the frightening logic train in the Super Friends' heads just enough that we could almost understand how they ended up in clothes like that.
*A "super riddle" is a lot like a "regular riddle" only it rhymes, makes no sense, and the answer is usually "dive into a pool of acid."

For example, people like you can see an oven and grunt outloud, "oven is hot. hot things hurt. hurt is bad. it is bad to touch oven." The Super Friends see an oven and shout, "oven... heat... lava... Great Gotham! The Legion of Doom's headquarters is in the heart of a volcano! Let's roll!" But the most insane part is that they're usually right. After they're done spitting out nonsense, they jump into the volcano (sometimes in protective lavaproof jumpsuits), rescue Aquaman, stop the bad guys without punching them, make a joke about how it was a "HOT TIME!" and the only thing you did was sit in a room next to an oven and not touch it. You suck.


Super Riddle
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The Underground Trick
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Face on a Blimp
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Riddler and Brainiac vs. Cops
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Look out world. Here comes a guy as tough as a regular guy only easier to catch. The Riddler was the only one on the Legion of Doom who was actually worse than useless. He wasn't like a stupid lab partner. He was like a stupid lab partner that poured chemicals on you and ate the dead frog. Cheetah may not have been able to win a fight, but she could at least open letters or stand her stupid pajama ass still so you can hang a coat on her. Black Manta, Toyman, and Scarecrow were just rodeo clowns with criminal records. At best they could hope to distract Superman long enough for one of their friends to jaywalk, but that's something. The Legion of Doom's plans were bad enough without Riddler broadcasting them all to the world the day before. These are people that have trouble getting to the store without exploding, they don't need anyone whose super ability is fucking up. You can win with a shitty football player on your team -- all you have to do is stop throwing him the ball. But if you have a player that hangs out on the other team's bench and tells them the plays you're going to run and who forgot to wear their cup, your team's in trouble.

To make Riddler seem like more of an idiot (even for this show), he never bothered to use his "powers" to do anything productive. It should have been clear to him that no matter what stupid thing he told the Super Friends to do, they'd do it. If his riddle told them to hide in a refrigerator for a few hours or shoot themselves in the mouth, they'd enthusiastically get started. Maybe once the gun was between Batman's teeth he'd say, "Wait! This might be a sinister trap!" Then another Super Friend would say, "But the Riddler doesn't lie! This has got to be our only chance." I can't believe he never tried anything like that. It was always, "We'll be robbing the bank at three o'clock, and you can tell by my tights that I have no cock!" That might sound like a pretty easy super riddle to solve, but remember-- this is the team with Apache Chief on it. "They. Will. Rob. Bank. At. Three. What. Can. It. Mean? Forget. It. Please. Enjoy. Beaded. Headbands. I. Make."

The Riddler is about as tough as someone who scratches their name on a bathroom wall. They're easy to catch, since the entire crime is labelled, but it's not really worth the effort to go get them. There are actual dangerous criminals out there. If someone doesn't want to get attacked by the Riddler, they can put a palm on his forehead and shove. Even if you're an old lady running into him on the street and your only weapon is a purse, that's one more purse than the Riddler has. While you're hitting him in the head, all he can do is make up a nursery rhyme about how he's going to try to find a band-aid later.

Here, the Riddler shows his Super Friends Cards, symbolizing the way he can toy with them with his magnificent riddles. Sometimes to make a point, he can tear one in half as if to say, "This is what I'll do to Superman!" Give or take some nuclear weapons and kryptonite. Look, though. He made a Gleek card. A god damn Gleek card. That's like buying an action figure of the frog thing that Jabba the Hutt eats. Do you really need to waste your time making a Gleek card? Do you need an elaborate plan with treachery and props to destroy a monkey? I think all you need is a kick, its little monkey face, and then maybe a mop. The Riddler should be embarrassed about a lot of things, but making a card with Gleek's face on it is the kind of things your friends will bring up 15 years later to get you to shut up.

THE SCIENCE OF THE SUPER RATING: Originally, the Riddler received a rating of 2 because it's statistically impossible to suck more than Aquaman (who is listed in the Smithsonian as having a SUPER RATING of 1), but after careful reconsideration, the Riddler receives a rating of 1 for the Legion of Doom's side, and 2 for the Super Friends side for a total of -1. And because of his triumphant struggle against all odds, a 10 for retarded children everywhere.