Oxycise! Basic Premise: 1/10
Oxycise! is a fitness program for people who don't like high impact workouts. And when I say "high impact" I'm talking about moving any part of your body that might brush up against the air. It's a workout that's basically breathing in and out in ridiculous ways such as panting or panting while you're raising one of your hands.

Besides actual movement or sweat, the back of the box (pictured right) claims there are NO boring diets involved, which is great news for people tired of going through the complicated and tedious process of building devices to keep their mouth from eating butter.

Chair Dancing Basic Premise: 2/10
Chair Dancing is exactly what it sounds like. Insane people dancing in chairs, sometimes while holding paper plates. A woman named Jodi Stolove leads a team of specialized chair enthusiasts who range from beginners, or Level 1 Dancers, to the all stars of sitting, the Level 3 Dancers. It's hard to tell the difference sometimes, but in general the Level 1 Dancers look like dumb asses and the Level 3 Dancers look like profoundly dumb asses.

To imagine the music they dance to, picture a march song written by a tone-deaf homosexual cartoon character, which should put a strain on your imagination since then you have to picture the grim horror of a future world where music like it wouldn't be immediately made illegal and destroyed.

Oxycise! Groundbreakingness: 8/10
At the beginning of Oxycise!, the inventor, Jill R. Johnson, tells us exactly how just breathing is the secret to losing weight.

"So... if fat oxyidizes into carbon dioxide, then it only makes sense that you need to take in more oxygen in order to burn fat. How do you take in more oxygen? Well, the fitness industry would have you think that you need to run around a track, bounce up and down or jump in order to increase your oxygen intake. You don't have to. You really don't. Here's what you do. Breathe in. Breathe out. Try it with more intensity. You have just discovered an amazing new way to boost your oxygen intake."

Boost your oxygen intake? Has she ever seen a fat person climb stairs? They suck in so much air that forest fires go out in Canada. And right before Jill tries to explain how the fact that breathing is good for you is being covered up by the Fitness Industry, or whoever else profits from you not breathing, she admits that her whole system is based on an untested theory that she, an obvious moron, came up with. She actually tries to describe to us how little chunks of fat windsurf out of your body while you exhale. That's the same kind of logic that made someone say, "If one Iron Eagle is great, then SEVEN Iron Eagles should get elected mayor!"

Chair Dancing Groundbreakingness: 4/10
Chair Dancing seems to be very careful to never mention how their program will help you lose weight. Probably because fat cells can't leave your body through a chair or a paper plate. But Jodi is excited about how you can do it anywhere there's a chair. Plus, it's so easy, an entire family can do it together (as shown above). The family also acts as a good example of why we don't have despotic leaders anymore. Because anyone who had the power to would say, "Have these animals killed in full public view."

Right when Chair Dancing starts to make you feel good about yourself for maybe not getting in shape but at least wiggling in your chair a little bit, it takes it all away by showing you that you're doing the same exercise routine as severely handicapped people. Or maybe that makes you heroic; it's not like I'm a graham cracker salesman or some other kind of expert on retarded people. See for yourself:

Oxycise! Use of Science and/or Graphs: 9/10
Oxycise! is constantly showing you graphs to illustrate how breathing = you not being fat. As you can see from the graphic above, one arrow equals the oxygen going in, and follow along carefully, the other one is fat leaving your body. This is almost the exact same graph you'll see in Advanced Blink Yourself to Buns of Steel, and Randy Ballbanger's Nap Your Way to Fitness(!).

I might have given their use of science and graphs a perfect 10 out of 10 score except for the clichι comparison shot of regular-sized people doing Oxycise! next to a clumsy porker riding a stationary bike. That couldn't be more played out if it was spoofing the Matrix. Take note though: Oxycise! burns over 50% more calories than something, which I'm assuming is "Not Breathing."

Chair Dancing Use of Science and/or Graphs: 0/10
There is not one single chart or graph in Chair Dancing. It's almost as if no team of scientists ever lined up a group of sitting people in jumpsuits and made them pretend to be ducks. But that's crazy.

Speaking of science, in the above photo from left to right: Beastor, Gayest Man in the World, The Flying Mummy, and Her Young Snack.

I know law enforcers are busy. They have to protect our highways while still attending grueling training seminars that allow them to quickly determine which is the real Thundarr should the evil dark Thundarr appear and claim to be the real, actual Thundarr, but couldn't they take a day or two off from looking at secret motion pictures of Thundarr to abuse their power over the head of everyone responsible for Chair Dancing?

Oxycise! Motivation: 6/10
Every few minutes during the video someone pops up to tell how Oxycise! helped them lose massive amounts of weight, lowered their stress levels, or performed various other miracles. They seem so sincere and happy it becomes hypnotic. You'll actually start to believe that breathing in and out is a healthier alternative to holding your breath with a mouth full of chocolate.

And if you still need motivation to breathe, Jill tells you that smiling while you breathe helps work out your face muscles (below). It was at this point of the video where I realized that it wasn't an actual workout video, but a training tape for alien invaders wearing our flesh to learn human characteristics.


Chair Dancing Motivation: -8/10
Instead of testimonials from some of our nation's top chair dancers, all of the motivation comes in the form of a madwoman's affirmations. You'll have no idea if it's helping her get in shape, but you will know that she feels special. At one point while they're flailing their arms and pretending to play the trombone she announces, "We're very talented trombone players!" Which is laughable next to my accomplishments as a member of the intergalactic unicorn police. Anyway, later, when the Chair Dancers are imagining that they're ducks, Jodi says, "Flap those arms proudly! Proud to be YOU."

Proud to be ME? Let me tell you something: if I could feel good about myself dressed like an Easter egg clapping paper plates together and pretending to play a trombone in an imaginary band, then I wouldn't need this tape. I'd need you to jam an electrical outlet up my ass so we could power the world's machinery with my endless happiness.

This video really is 70 percent sitting and 30 percent gay encouragement about sunshine. If that bullshit really worked to get you fit, the people who sit and write Hallmark cards must be built like fucking tanks.

Chair Dancing Video Spectacular!
Video 1 - The dynamic voyage of chair dancing. From marchers to trombone players to magic airplanes to swimmers in under one minute.

Video 2 - Chair Dancing becomes a test of your limits when these crazy fuckers inexplicably start singing.

Oxycise! Coolness and Fashion: 0/10
I didn't know this before watching Oxycise!, but while you're breathing you should be wearing a tight leotard regardless of how you would make children panic and scream in it. And although Jill's tights received a disappointing score of zero by the Probe, it did win her the prize of "Worst Horrific Camel Toe" in the 50-and-Older age division.

This scale of coolness might need some explaining. A 1 out of 10 here is the equivalent to the 35 year old men you see in the mall playing Pokemon cards with children that aren't theirs. A 10 out of 10 would be the equivalent of the coolest person in the world who I imagine would have an eyepatch and say "Let's rock n' roll!" before he did anything.

Chair Dancing Coolness and Fashion: 0/10
According to the video, you should always CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR before you CHAIR DANCE. As if a doctor could write out a note that would excuse any of the SHAME AND HUMILIATION that GOES ALONG WITH IT.

Personally, my doctor gave me full permission to play invisible flutes and sit, but never told me what I should wear. Judging from the video, CHAIR DANCING should never EVER be attempted unless you're dressed like a LUNATIC COLOR CRAYON.

There are hundreds of ways to work out, but some are lamer than others. For example, a kickboxer will get laid 7 times faster than a synchronized swimmer, and 956 times faster than a person who thinks breathing is a workout. And let's not insult numbers by describing how rarely a Chair Dancer gets laid.

Fitness videos are everywhere today and I'm sure some of them are helping people get into shape. You can spot a graduate of Billy Blanks' Tae Bo, because they'll be the one crushing ninja heads on a top secret karate mission. And you can spot a graduate of a Richard Simmons program because they'll be the beanbag sitting next to him crying about how they used to be an even larger, sloppier beanbag. But the only way you can tell someone is a successful graduate of Oxycise! is that they can walk around without randomly suffocating. Chair Dancing graduates are easier to spot, since they can wave a paper plate at you without falling out of their seat. Another sure sign they Chair Dance is that growling in the pit of your soul that demands you must destroy them.

As a final score, both tapes get the lowest fitness video rating I've ever given: FUCKING SAD. The thing is, if the only workout you can do is sit and breathe, you're not three months away from getting into your bikini. I don't know how much help you need, but it's more than your VCR is ready to give. Under the best circumstances, sitting might lose you five pounds. And going from 500 to 495 isn't going to do anything more than cut a few days off of your survival if you're stranded on the high seas.

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