Since early 1990, there's been two things you can count on in a Jerry Bruckheimer film-- fantastically retarded dialogue and wacky black guys. Somewhere along the way, Jerry learned that the secret to comedy is periodically cutting to a black person screaming something in a bad Chris Rock impression. What makes Coyote Ugly so groundbreaking is that in 90 minutes of soul-searching and erotic line dancing, not one wacky black person appears. And there's so many opportunities. Like right after the part where Jersey stops a riot in the bar by singing along with the jukebox, a guy stealing the jukebox could have set it back down and said, "Godddamn, that girl's good! I'm gonna listen to this bitch sing!" Or when John Goodman didn't know how to trick the sock-destroying monsters in his dryer, a black guy could have popped up with a piece of chicken and gone, "Motherfucker, you can't dry no damn socks?! Dyno-MITE!" We couldn't tell if all the missed opportunities were an oversight or if the NAACP finally noticed the trend and sent a nation of Islam enforcer to go over and kick Jerry Bruckheimer in the ass.

For the historical archives, Erik and I forced each other to sit through a Bruckheimer Film Festival in order to document some of modern cinema's most memorable Wacky Black Guys:

Movie: The Rock
Character: Wacky Black Trolley Driver

Jerry Bruckheimer knew that the destructive chase scene with Nicholas Cage and Sean Connery wasn't funny enough, so he added an excitable trolley driver and kicked the shit out of him until he sounded like Chris Rock. I don't know what all the medals on his wacky vest are, but one on his right shoulder says "I'm a virgin (this is an old button)" and I think I recognize one as the Congressional Medal of Trolley Piloting. Here's a transcription of every line he had in the movie (creative spelling used in an attempt to be faithful to his dialect):

1: "Welcome aboard y'all. How y'all doin' today?"

2: "Oh SHIT!"

3: "We're gonna crash! SAVE YOURSELVES!"

4: "Oh my BABY!"

5: "Damn! This sucks! Where is that son of a bitch
(this word too wacky to understand for transcription)?! I'm goin' to hun' him down! That motherfucka ain' safe nowhere!"

Movie: Armageddon
Character: Wacky Biker (with dog)

You don't even have to sit through the entire credit sequence to find the wacky black guy in Armageddon. Bruckheimer outdoes himself - and in the process forever ups the wacky black guy ante - by giving Armageddon's wacky black guy a wacky hat, wacky glasses, and a wacky dog. We didn't have the sound turned up, so we don't know exactly what wacky lines he says. Probably something like how he don' care 'bout no damn space rock, ain' that right doggie?, right before he gets killed by an asteroid. Not shown: Wacky bike.

Movie: The Rock
Character: Wacky Tourist in Parka and Blonde Flat Top

When disgruntled marine general Ed Harris took over Alcatraz, he thought he'd accounted for every possible contingency. But he never counted on the Alcatraz tour groups being filled with wacky Jerry Bruckheimer black people. As soon as this lady got in the cell, she started screaming at her tour guide for not killing the platoon of marines. And since she only had that one crazy line and her voice was loud enough to set off the terrorists' explosives, I'm assuming Ed had one of his men shoot her in the face. There's probably some sort of hostage survival guidebook you can buy that lists being noisy and wacky in the DON'T column.

Movie: Con Air
Character: Wacky Gay Convict

As powerful as he is, Bruckheimer is no Woody Allen.  Sometimes the studio suits won't give him total creative control.  As  a result, some of his movies get no wacky black guys. That's when he resorts to plan B... the wacky gay guy. As funny as it is when a black person gets excited, it's even funnier to see a man in a dress want some serious dick. Shown here is the wacky gay guy as he emerges from the wreckage of a crashed plane to an army of police officers and emergency medical teams and coos, "oooohhh, men in uniform." Then he starts pawing at himself. He's that gay. He stumbles out of a horrific plane crash, sees 200 drawn guns through the ringing blur of a concussion, and instead of asking for a doctor or even a band-aid, he mentions to himself how goddamn much he needs some cock.

Insider Reporting: The "men in uniform" line was so fucking weak that it was actually stripped from the movie for the home video release. The scene now awkwardly cuts away just as he's starting to masturbate. Do you have any idea how bad a line has to be to be cut from a Jerry Bruckheimer movie? Right now there are Holocaust survivors who had half their skin peeled off to make Nazi lampshades saying, "remember that gay guy's line in the theatrical version of Con Air? That's the worst thing that ever happened to me."

Movie: The Rock
Character: Wacky Hostage

The lady with the flat top wasn't the only hostage trying to get shot at Alcatraz. Every time I see an extra pop up like this with only one overacted line, I wonder how many times they stood in the back of the Denny's kitchen rehearsing it. He was probably back there with a spatula repeating, "Man, what kind of fucked up tour is this?" to himself, sometimes moving the inflection around, completely forgetting about the pancakes he's supposed to be cooking. I bet practicing for this one movie line cost him his day job. If you knew this guy, you'd fuck with him all day. You'd go to the movies together, and after you get the tickets you'd say to him, "Man, what kind of fucked up tickets are these?" And when you buy some popcorn you'd go, "Man, what kind of FUCKED UP popcorn is this?" And when he tries to buy some, the clerk would say, "Hold it. What kind of FUCKED UP MONEY IS THIS?! Ha ha ha! I recognize you!" I wish I knew more of the backstory behind the Man-What-Kind-Of-Fucked-Up-Tour-Is-This Guy. If I'm right, Jerry Bruckheimer ruined this man's entire life.

Movie: Enemy of the State
Characters: Wacky Asians

Bruckheimer must have felt that putting a wacky black guy in Enemy of the State might undermine white and Mexican audience's acceptance of Will Smith as a not wacky black guy. After much brainstorming, the writing team found an excellent substitute: Wacky Japanese people. Here, Will Smith breaks into a hotel room and begins to strip off his bug-infested clothing.

Rather than expressing fear or anger or any appropriate, but non-wacky emotion, the Japanese couple assumes that American Hotels provide surprise visits by naked black men as a courtesy. They bounce up and down on the bed and give him dollar bills as they enjoy the show. By immediately trying to pay Will Smith for sex, the Japanese husband also satisfies the recent Bruckheimer penchant for an absurdly cock-crazed wacky gay guy.

Movie: Con Air
Character: Dave Chapelle's Corpse

The wacky workload was spread equally across all genders and races in Con Air (unless you count the gay man who did the work of 12 men of average wackiness), but don't think it was because of a new enlightened approach to movie making. In fact, it marks one of the first and only times a black man's corpse was used as the punchline to a joke.

Right: Dave Chapelle's hilarious dead body. At impact, the plastic Dave Chapelle corpse loses its left hand for added unintentional comedic effect. I've circled the instances of the hand exploding off at figures A and B.

I don't know how you're going to top this one, Jerry. Maybe in your next movie, you could shoot someone in the head and have their blood spell out limericks on the wall. Or you could have children get stuffed through a wood chipper and made into child pie. Then have a clown throw that pie at the ass of a donkey, only do the entire thing in fast-motion.

Also, I noticed that it's really funny in movies to say a line from a different movie. Like that really funny part in Scary Movie where Shawn Wayans says "I can see dead people," or any line from a Mel Brooks movie. And it's also really funny when a guy does something that a guy doesn't normally do, like watch soap operas or wear a dress. There was a recurring character on M.A.S.H. who made a small percentage of America laugh every day by wearing a dress.

So here's our idea for the movie that we're sure America will think is the funniest thing they've ever seen. First, you get two guys to do something that would be really unusual for guys to do. Something that may imply they might be gay. Erik suggested they could bake a cake. I said, how about they have a little poodle? Then Erik's eyes went wide, he pointed at me, and he said "I've got it: They can fuck each other in the ass!"   It's totally unusual for guys to do that, plus there's a definite hint of gayness about it! "And while they're humping," I said, "they can scream lines from other movies at each other!"  

Guy One: "Unngghh... unghhh... use the force."

Guy Two: "Hate put me in this prison. Love's gonna bust me out!"

Guy One: "Yay! My new cushion!"

Guy Two: "Oh! Oh! You are not expendable, John Rambo!"

Guy One: "Man, what kind of FUCKED UP asshole is this?!"

Then they could start spinning around like in the Matrix, and someone would trip fart. And something about the Blair Witch Project. We haven't worked it all out yet.

According to this bio, Coyote Ugly star Maria Bello is on a one white woman quest to save black people, who she feels are completely desperate for her help. The bio states that she "toured Africa last year to continue her studies". Studies of what? The bio doesn't say. Maybe someone - such as Payback star / geography expert Mel Gibson - told her that there are a tremendous number of black people over there, and it was a fact-finding mission to help her determine: a) just exactly what troubles the blacks had and b) how Maria Bello - or as she'd like to be known to little black children, White Jesus - could best go about saving them. Maybe she was on a secret mission from Jerry Bruckheimer to uncover the original African source of black wackiness. Either way, no useful insights emerged from Bello's African studies, because Coyote Ugly doesn't have a single wacky black person. However, it does have a wacky toll booth. The toll booth doesn't have a scene where it reacts to the terrifying carnage going on around it by unaccountably expressing its desire to suck a cock. But it is lit up in a colorful and therefore potentially gay way. If you put a bra on it, or at least a tiny shirt the size of a bra, it would be the Coyote Ugly of toll booths.

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