|IGN for Men is a site where a man named Adam
Douglas profiles women he's attracted to. It's a lot like your grandma's inept AOL
homepage where she lists her favorite breeds of cats, only IGN for Men lists women staff
writer Adam Douglas wants to grope. And like how your grandma knows 80 different kinds
of cats, Adam Douglas knows 80 different skin-crawlingly creepy ways to say
"boobs." Another difference is that your grandma has seen a cat in real life.
Apparently, Douglas is also exactly the guy that marketing professionals are
targeting, because there's no shitty line of dialog from a Chili's, Miller Lite, or
Applebee's ad that he won't appropriate to describe Neve Campbell's tits in a completely
misguided attempt to sound hip. Why the people that run IGN think this would be
interesting to any man other than creepy Adam Douglas is a total mystery. And it's not as
if Douglas works very hard to search out unmined sources of hot chicks, either. For
example, it's not a big secret that the women of Coyote Ugly are attractive. That's pretty
much the point of the whole goddamn movie and the entire fucking advertising campaign. But
that doesn't stop Adam from reporting these obvious facts as if he's breaking the
Watergate story. Or should I say... breaking the Watergate story on crack!
Below are some some highlights from the article. All of Adam's humiliating original text will be in yellow.
||Babe: Piper Perabo
"OK, I have yet to see a movie with Piper in it (yo, I can't roll with no Rocky and
Bullwinkle) but judging by the trailer, she looks like she's going to set this movie on
If trying to sound cool but only managing to come off like a complete fucking imbecile was
an Olympic event, "yo, I can't roll with no Rocky and Bullwinkle" and "she
looks like she's going to set this movie on fire" would take the gold and silver
respectively, with "yo, I can't roll with no Rocky and Bullwinkle" also setting
a world record.
||Babe: Tyra Banks
"As long as we get to see her do one of those crazy bar dances... I'll be happier
than a crack monkey with a fresh bag of rocks."
Adam Douglas, you so crazy! Just so you don't miss Adam's subtle point here: The theme of
this article is "Tyra Banks is hot." Thanks, IGN for Men. That's useful
information for men who are gay and fucking blind. I was reading the ingredients on a can
of cream of chicken soup and right after "cooked mechanically separated chicken"
it said "Tyra Banks is hot". Soup knows Tyra Banks is hot. It's her damn job to
be hot; that's why Tyra Banks and Cindy Crawford aren't cleaning your septic tank.
||Babe: Maria Bello
"from what I've seen, she looks like she's got all the qualities to be tough and sexy
at the same time."
EXCLUSIVE: We've recreated this sentence the way it originally appeared: "from what I've seen, she looks like she's got all the qualities of
those things I see on the bus when I'm on the way to my Magic: the Gathering club
meetings. I think they're called women. I want to touch one on the boobies but most of
them have notes from the police that say I can't."
||Babe: Bridget Moynahan
No big surprise here. Adam bravely raises the possibility that this unmistakably gorgeous
professional model is pretty. Again, IGN for Men = Adam Douglas artlessly telling you that
he'd like to screw most of the women he sees on television. I haven't been this intrigued
since a guy I met at a restaurant told me he usually gets fries instead of mashed
||Babe: Izabella Miko
Although Adam points out that this baby-faced Coyote is a model from Poland, he's
otherwise fresh out of both creepy double entendres and phrases Adam and the people who
write Pepsi commercials think black people say. Allow me to pick up the slack: "Yo,
she can talk to the hand while I'm slipping her my polish sausage!"