Dolemite doesn't just fuck unwilling handicapped girls. By the end of his act, he'd told us about all of the animals he'd had sex with including some animals that were way smaller than how big I figured his dick was. After a few minutes of this, Chet stood up and shouted, "Uh... Rudy, that's more information than I needed to know! Ha ha ha ha! Right, fellas!?" Everyone in the four rows in front of us turned around and calmly took out the guns that were left over from when the Croats used to live there. Chet was shot in the face by so many bullets that the police had to call in a counting expert just to make sure the number of bullets they dug out was a real number.

Erik: "Hey Dolemite, we're making a movie. Want to be in it?"

Dolemite: "What is your film about, man?"

Erik: "It's a movie about guys fucking each other in the ass and saying lines from other movies."

Dolemite: "Ha ha ha ha ha!!!"

Erik: "Ha ha ha ha!!! I know!"

Dolemite was just fucking with us when he pretended to like our idea for a movie. It's not going to be his vehicle to America's hearts and water cooler discussions. But we still want him to be the most famous performer in the world, and so we've written him a few mainstream jokes he can use if he ever wants to retool his act to appeal to the Tonight Show or Donnie & Marie audience. Here is our preliminary attempts to rework some mainstreamly acceptable comedy routines with his lovable style.

"What is the deal with rat soup eating doctors today? Motherfucker, I do not want your hand in my motherfucking ASS! And these magazines in the waiting room... MOTHERFUCKER I was shitting in my diapers when these motherfuckers came out! Shit be talkin 'bout Today in People: Scientists discover BREAD."

"Look at all these honkey motherfuckers here tonight... maybe you jockjaws can tell me why the little tiny candy bars are called Fun Size? Bitch are you for real?! If the little ones are FUN what are the regular size candy bars? Blowjob size? Motherfucker if you call a two inch candy bar FUN, you better call a five inch candy bar MY DICK IN YOUR MOUTH."

"Now look here, who around this motherfucker here tonight has seen this Pepsi Girl? I was in Los Angeles, California recording my newest album, Rudy Ray Moore Hully Gully Fever, when I saw this Pepsi Girl. "Hello, little Pepsi Girl" I said. And I patted her on the head. "Poppa," she said, "Poppa, please, poppa please, I need some of that good Pepsi." "Little girl," I said, "I do not have any Pepsi." And then she gets all deep in her voice like a elephant growed twice too big, "Motherfucker, I tell you I need some of that gooood Pepsi." "Bitch," I said, "Bitch, I have already told you I do not have any Pepsi, but I will give you some of this goood dick." Then I fucked that bitch all the live long day. I fucked the Pepsi Girl til her hair turned gray. I fucked her in the pussy, and I fucked her in that mouth. I made the moon shoot out her ass, and stuck my north pole way down south. And when I was through, she looked up at me all wide in her eyes and she says real sweet "Thank you." Ain' that some shit? I ain' lyin."

Exclusive Erik Gaming Material:
True Story: I'm involved in a bitter, long-standing feud with King's Quest creator Roberta Williams. The fact that she has absolutely no idea that I'm mad or even who I am just makes me angrier. I'm so insane with rage, in fact, that I actually bought the King's Quest collection at Comp USA the morning of the show and brought it with me in case Rudy Ray Moore was available for signing things. The way I figure it, if you're in a feud with someone and you get Dolemite to write something really nasty about them in permanent marker on a product they made, you win. As luck would have it, when we got to the show, Rudy Ray Moore was just sitting right out in the lobby selling Dolemite T-Shirts, inexplicable Dolemite backscratchers, and Human Tornado DVDs.

I'd picked a line from Dolemite ahead of time - "you so low, you sucked an earthworm's dick!" - that I wanted him to write on the box as a special message to Ms. Williams. When it came time to actually have him do it, however, I worried that I wouldn't be able to explain to him exactly why I was asking him to sign a video game for a woman. I worried that he wouldn't want to say that this absentee woman sucked an earthworm's dick. I worried that he'd think it was for me and make it out to "Robert" or "William". I worried a lot, because I only had one shot to get this right. As it turned out, Mr. Moore is a total pro, and everything went smoothly. Though I guess there was a little confusion. He forgot to print her last name, and he forgot to write the first part about her being so low. On the other hand, he called her a bitch even though I didn't specifically ask him to.

So next time you're just going along having your day and Roberta Williams pops into your head and screeches her immortal words:
"I think in the last 5 or 6 years, the demographics have really changed, now this is my opinion, because computers are less expensive so more people can afford them. More "average" people now feel they should own one."

...just imagine Dolemite telling her "Bitch, you sucked an earthworm's dick!" Because, thanks to me, he did.

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