Some items in games seemed useless because you couldn't figure out that "GRUMBLE GRUMBLE" actually meant "Please give me beef," or that "LAMP IS GOOD" meant "The lamp is terrific." But those Power-Ups only seem bad because of the communication barrier between people that spoke this language and the Japanese people that wrote video games with it. Here are some items that just sucked period.

It might be too late now, but if you had read this years ago, it just might have saved your life. It's about twenty life-threateningly bad games I suffered through so you won't have to. Sorry I wrote it 10 years after everyone had already thrown out their Nintendos.

One day, two kids in got together to help teach us how to be better at Nintendo. Only they spent so much time designing their "Video Game Team" jumpsuits, they didn't have time to learn how to play. This article takes a detailed look at the accident they filmed.

Back in the eighties, we did a lot more than film ourselves frying eggs to keep us off drugs. We made Nintendo games about hip skateboarding bears. I've got to warn you, if you read this, you're totally going to be COOL enough to stay in SCHOOL.

Featuring only two of the New Kids on the Block, this is a nostalgiac awards ceremony where Nintendo things are awarded trophies for different areas of excellence including Sexiest Game Character, Best Dialogue, and Most Fucked Up Game.

The tale of Ryu Hayabusa, a secret ninja on his quest to reunite his divorced parents and cross the vast Canadian wilderness with two circus dogs. Witness secret ninja techniques as he finds the courage within himself to get enough money to save his breakdancing orphanage. His task will be hard. Will he learn the magic of teamwork and friendship in time to be a true hero?

The fight for everlasting peace begins here as two scientists decide the fate of the world with destructive but adorable robots. Besides my crap, there's also stunningly useless commentary by the stars of Golgo 13 and Whomp 'em.

Now is the beginning of a fantastic story! A story about bubble-blowing dinosaurs and flying purple whales. Shirley Whiteman, chairperson of Mothers Against Fucked Up Games, commented about this article in her now infamous supermarket speech, "I won't let my kids play this insane trash. Why aren't there any games about good table manners or tea parties?"

It's the adventure of an afternoon as six bizarre wrestlers go on a quest to beat the Great Puma. Even with all of today's technology, pyrotechnics, and female wrestler hotpants, this is somehow the greatest wrestling game ever made.

Hi! Just like your gym coach, Sam and the American Dodge Ball Team promoted capitalism and democracy through dodge ball. After winning the tournament, they got nationally recognized as heroes for almost days before returning to their previous jobs at the sewage treatment plant. Said one geek: "This is such a realistic simulation of dodge ball, I felt like I was in fourth grade again playing dodge ball on my Nintendo!"

Claimed by all non-retards to be the greatest game of all time, it's about the adventures of a young Jesus Christ in his high tech go-kart, as he and his Hindu sidekick, Hadji, save Christmas. Can you rescue Santa in time to prevent Elf X's Doomsday Bomb? Featuring the return of your mother's favorite hustler, Karnov, this page is sure to make you want to never read another stupid fucking web page ever again.

Get equipped with Bubble Lead in this very special tribute to Mega Man and his friends and enemies. All the bios and dick jokes Nintendo forgot to include. Warning: contains images of partially and fully nude robots and little blue boys riding dogs.