Based on Crap: The Worst Things to Make Nintendo Games About.

If you looked at this picture while you played any other Nintendo game in the world, it would be just as much of a Wayne's World game.
People loved Wayne's World. They loved the skit, they loved the movie, so they should have loved the game, right? No. We were tools enough to jerk our pelvises at nearby women and scream, "Schwing!" for a couple years, but we weren't tools enough to buy this. Some things were never meant to be Nintendo games, and a skit about two people on a couch is one of them. Wayne's World would have made a better theme for an industrial lubricant than a Nintendo game. "Party on, and keep your machinery running smooth with no viscosity breakdown! Unnecessary ZOOOOOMMM!"

There were no ten year olds nearby to say, "that's a stupid fucking idea," and the Wayne's World people could never get the recipe quite right for Wayne's World The Hot Chocolate, so the game got made. A team of people made a video game about two kids putting on a public access show in their basement. Fun. Invite your friends. Player One controls Wayne! Player Two controls the couch! If you have the 4-Player NES Satellite, Players 3 and 4 can take control of the public access camera man or the coffee table!


To make the game feel like more of a Wayne's World game, the moving pictures or "graphics" are made up of little dots or "pixels" that look similar to periods(.). Sometimes Wayne and Garth end their sentences in periods! With all these dots, it's like Wayne and Garth are actually with you!

Author Ernest Hemmingway also used periods at the end of his sentences, so the Wayne's World game isn't just based on Wayne's World. It's also based in part on the works of author Ernest Hemmingway.
The actual game is even less fun than that. You control Wayne on some levels, and Garth on others, and travel through a land populated by smiling musical instruments. Smiling musical instruments that want you dead. They're part of the Wayne's World theme since sometimes on the show Wayne plays guitar and Garth once carried some drum sticks around. Fans of the show will be happy to know this aspect of the hilarity is included by having boxes in the background labelled "Picks" and "Sticks." Hey, wait. You know what would have made it even more of a Wayne's World game? If you controlled a big hand. Both Wayne and Garth have hands. And faces too. Wait! They also both wear blue jeans, so you could control a pair of jeans that has to infiltrate a face warehouse to get their hands back! And if you collected the letters that spelled, "SCHWING," your pants would get a hard-on for a bonus 2000 "Party On!" Points. That would be a better game and keep in mind, I have no formal video game training.

More attempts at Wayne-ing it up: all the levels are covered in signs that have catch phrases on them like "No way!" or "SHYEAH RIGHT!" It's so sad. It's like when cereal designers rerelease Lucky Charms with a new shape of oat-blobs and name it after the latest cartoon. It doesn't take a third grade degree to spot that Spider-Man cereal is just Chex with some Lucky Charms marshmallows. That's not a cereal about Spider-Man. That's a mess on the floor of the cereal factory. It's tragic. One day, the cereal and Nintendo people finally ran out of imagination, and they passed the responsibility for it on to the kids. It takes a massive amount of creativity to see anything having to do with Spider-Man in your Spider-Man cereal. But if you're having trouble, there's a hot-line you can call to get an out of work cereal designer to stand over you during your breakfast and scream, "STOP CALLING THOSE CHEX! THOSE ARE NINJA NETS! Wh-wh... Whoa. Did you just call that a marshmallow? THAT'S A DEPTH CHARGE, YOU VISION-LESS BASTARD!!!"


Jesus Christ. Fuck you guys.
After every level, you win non-exclusive Wayne's World material someone transcribed from Saturday Night Live skits. Of course, in the sucking ass tradition, the person doing the transcribing is either dyslexic or doesn't speak English. "Party on Wayne! Oh... OH! I no feel so great now Mista Wayne! I think I am going to schwing! kill all american devils" Most of the quotes are either blatantly wrong or cut down to the point where they don't make any sense. And like you might have suspected, none of them are even close to funny. It's Wayne's World's Least Greatest Hits, Modified To Be Worse: Too Retarded for TV. They're about as funny as reading the POWER button on the front of the Nintendo. Oh, I can't read it now, my thumb is in the way. You know, sometimes I wish that instead of just a power off button, the Nintendo had a FUCK YOU button that launched the cartridge out fast enough it would shatter on the wall. It might kill a few kids, but once you show how much Wayne's World needs to be destroyed, any judge would rule all the deaths as acceptable losses.

Epiphany: 8
Basing a game on an obvious fad isn't a good idea. You're only going to trick people into playing it for a few months before it's thrown out with the pet rocks and the jerry curl activator. If you really want to make a bad game, base it on a fad with some staying power. Terminal cancer has been sweeping the nation for decades, and a game cashing in on the terminal cancer craze would have been just as fun as Wayne's World. Cancer's not going away either. Years from now, little kids will be in the video game store, find Terminal Cancer Blasters, and say, "Wow! My grandma has terminal cancer! Mom! Can we get this game? It's about dead grandmas!"

Graphics: 3
Somebody there knew how to run a photo of Wayne and Garth through a scanner, so that's not too bad. For someone as helplessly stupid as the people that made this trash, I would have assumed they'd put the wrong picture through (artist's conception: right). Those are the only nice words I have to say about the graphics. To read the not-nice words I have to say about the graphics, set your iron to maximum steam and iron your hand. Write down the words you say.

Fun: 1
In the first Wayne's World movie, Mike Myers did a routine where he opened one eye and said "Camera One." Then he opened the other eye and said "Camera Two." Then he did it again. And again. Imagine someone rewinding the tape and watching that over and over while you were tied to a cactus and food was dangled just out of reach. That's the best way I can describe how fun this game is.

Capitalist Treachery: 8
You probably noticed I don't give any of this game's staff much credit. They're obviously not capable people, or even people that are allowed to go outside without one end of their leash firmly around the wrist of their helper. But I bet beneath the drool and graham cracker crumbs, they knew that they were releasing criminally unplayable crap to the public because there were enough stupidly blind fans of the word "schwing!" to sell a few thousand copies.

Challenge: 1
The game took a total of 1 tries to finish and about 22 minutes. Instead of a bad movie or credits, you get the same picture of Mike Myers you got all (22 minutes of) game, only now it says EXCELLENT! underneath him. After 10 seconds of this, the game resets. Simply playing Wayne's World is like getting beat up in front of your entire school, but the ending, that's like a group of people stuffing a parking cone in your ass afterwards. There are so many layers of insult and humiliation, you'll probably have to leave town. But before you go, your Nintendo has a very important appointment with a sledge hammer.

A Mistake of a Bonus Download: Wayne's World ROM

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