The Kevin Costner Phenomenon: Somewhere along the way, Kevin found out that if he stopped talking for a few minutes between words, people would call it "brilliant," "rivetting," and "a satisfying romantic emotional resonance." In this game, the drama is lost since all characters spit out their lines with none of the silence that helps drag Kevin's films out to the length of three other movies on a bus trip across the country where you're smashed between two fat people and the air conditioning's broken. I found out that it became my responsibility to constantly hit the pause button to recreate the Kevin Costner pause-during-speech experience. To hell with that. The game should have been saved for the Playstation, where the loading between each word would bring the Costner drama from your TV to your TV when the Playstation's hooked up to it.
If you had to sum up the game in 1000 words, you'd write "wander" and "bonk" five hundred times each. After you bonk a man enough times with your sword, they explode like a dynamite-filled watermelon and you get to search through the goop to get what they were holding. Most times it's band aids. To search, simply press Start to bring up a menu, scroll down the menu to where it says SEARCH, and simply press a button. The game will triumphantly announce what you've found with a song. Then simply scroll down the menu to where it says EXIT, and simply press another button. Move Robin Hood on top of the stuff you pulled out of the exploded corpse, simply press button A while you're there, and the item is yours!
That's right. For every guy you kill, you only need to press 13 buttons, read a screen full of text, and listen to one trumpeting song to get his item. It's just that simple. You might have complained when Kevin forgot to hire an editor and Dances with Wolves rolled into its fifth hour of wolf dancing, but that's going to look as fast as a greased pig on rollerskates on a pig-transporting comet compared to the 50th dead body you have to punch in a differential equation to search. I'm glad the game was trying to recreate Mr. Costner's tediousness, but it felt more like I was trying to use an ATM to buy South America.
Most of the game is a bird's-eye view of Robin Hood playing in the dirt, only the bird's eye has a stigmatism and was just covered in an opaque turd from a bird flying higher than it. Sometimes you got to see a picture of the movie's actors when you got into a deep discussion like "HELLO MY FRIEND... HELLO. I AM AZEEM!" But they were such low quality ugly mistakes that it looked like the programmers accidentally scanned a picture of their stunt doubles. And then covered them in turd of course. Whoever did the graphics decided everything should look like it was made of chocolate.
If you think hitting people is more exciting when you have to collect keys and band-aids afterwards, you'll find this game exciting*. It's like Legend of Zelda only uglier, clumsier, and less fun. You may save yourself a few dollars by just putting a bag over your head and playing Legend of Zelda from a chair made out of angry animals.
Targetted Suckitude: 6
This game was confrontationally bad. A lot of games suck, but you'll swear that Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves was specifically designed to piss you off.
* "You'll find this game exciting!" ...Seanbaby.com
This will tear your heart out with a spoon: Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves ROM.