Back to Dear Nintendo... If you've ever played video games, your mom's probably asked you, "don't you have better things to do?" Did it make you turn off the Nintendo and go learn a second language? Probably not, because experiencing the life of a robot ninja first-hand is more fun than conjugating verbs. Besides, how can she take the time to ask you dumbass questions when there are so many starving children in the world? In the time she took to nag you about Nintendo, someone in the Peace Corps moved an entire wheelbarrow-full of dirt out of a ditch for a country that hasn't developed ditch digging yet.

Video games are not a complete waste of time. At the very least, they teach children excellent marksmanship and the kind of reality-detached madness that will let them apply it. Look, I voted against murder in the last election, but nearly everyone in the country has recounted the events of a basketball game without the expressed written consent from the NBA, so it's not like these Nintendo-trained assassins are killing innocents.

My opinion of video games dropped when I read this letter, though. I really understood how pathetic the video game lifestyle can be when someone's willing to retrain their damn feet so they don't have to take a month off from Nintendo. I'm still praying it's a fake letter. Sure, the severed thumb crap sounds made up and of course no one wants to believe that there are people out there writing letters to strangers about their feet, but the best evidence of it being a hoax is Jason's line: "Now that my thumb is healed, beating games with my feet is just for show."

I hope he's never tried this. Where I come from, if you offer to show everyone how you can play video games with your feet, they will take those feet and jam them without mercy into your ass. And it's not like I come from a lesbian bar in Israel. I come from the same place you all did-- a place where people can recognize some nerdy behavior as Acceptable and some as Punishable By Torture.

UPDATE: Thanks to the miracle of millions of people reading this shit, I heard from the wife of this actual guy:

From: Leigh Schatz
Subject: Nintendo boy that plays with his feet
Hi Seanbaby,
Well I just found your link about my now husband.. Jason Schatz.. the boy that had the severed thumb and learned to play Nintendo with is feet. Just wanted you to know that the story is true and he really was injured....nothing in there was made up.

Now I dont know if that is a good thing or a bad thing *LOL*

In case you are wondering.. he now owns an ISP in Northern California.. listed below..

www.jestec.com

Leigh Schatz
Chief Operations Officer
www.jestec.com
Congratulations on the new career move, Jason. But if this letter is really true, I'd include it in your sales pitch: "Jestec.com will service you even in the case of some kind of monster eating my hands. Jestec.com is fully capable of solving your ISP problems with my ear, armpit, or ass, but specializes in feet."
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