Do you know why so many hurricanes hit Miami? Because the federal government built a weather machine that transforms Florida prisoners into hurricanes. And do you know why they did that? Because back on November 5th, 1991, mayor Xavier Suarez proved that if you don't keep the mayor busy with catastrophic disasters, he runs around declaring holidays about video game systems. Fucking video game systems. And Uncle Sam's weather scientists had no choice but to put a stop to that embarrassment, no matter what the cost.

I can't prove anything, but think about it: before 1991, we were only up to Hurricane Ovaltene or Patrice... maybe we were up to "S" or so, I'm not sure on the exact letter. However, I do know that since Nintendo Day, Florida weather disasters flipped the alphabet about 10 times. I'm not a mathematist or a hurricanographer, but that's like two hundred million hurricanes. There's no way that's a coincidence.

For those that are still not convinced of how many people this letter killed, I've used some of today's modern "software" to create a timeline illustrating Florida's history. What you are about to see may startle you:

Ignore the tragic loss of life and miles of destroyed coastline, though. This kid wrote to the mayor of his city because he needed civic help to celebrate his Nintendo. Even if not a single person died from it, that's still the saddest thing you've ever heard, isn't it?

Nintendo "Fun Day" is only one of a thousand humiliating things we Americans have on our calendars. For example, there are only 10 shopping months left before September, which is Pediculosis Prevention month. That's head lice. We take an entire month out of every year to celebrate the killing of insects that live in our children's hair. But then in Januray, our thoughts turn to celebration when we take a break from mutant babies during National Birth Defects Prevention Month. And I'm sure I don't have to remind you to send out your World Breastfeeding Week cards this August. Because the season of sucking on boobs always brings families closer.

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