It doesn't take a four year program in Dickhead College to make fun of people that spend their college vacation playing Gameboy in a hotel room. There are people living in plastic bubbles allergic to plastic bubbles that have more fulfilling lives than that. And no matter what insult you come up with for the Super Theta Chi Brothers, you'll never top Nintendo Power's response. Normally they would have responded, "Thanks for the totally def note! Looks like your vacation was FRAT-tastic," but I guess even Nintendo Power has limits, and they're made up of people that enjoy Paper Machι and Play-by-Mail games (above right).
It's almost impossible to believe: Nintendo Power made fun of someone. When a professional video game player looks up from his Dungeon Master's Helpbook to tell you you're a dork, you've set some kind of Anthony Michael Hall Award for depressing social status. You should knock your own lunch tray out of your hand to save everyone some time.
It's fun to laugh at people that have crappier hobbies than you, but a lot of people don't think about the medical dangers of being such a fantastic loser, especially in a violent homoerotic setting like the American fraternal system. These people's secret fraternity underwear is in constant risk of being tugged above their heads, and wedgies aren't funny after the 45th one. In a day. Eventually there becomes a point where the Mayor of Frat Town steps in and declares underwear a hazard to the safety of them and their asses. If Nintendo keeps printing letters like this, underwear's going to be illegal.
Above: A Vietnamese street barber digs in a client's ear while his belly button struggles to smile.
Inset: chunks of wax and brain wiped on forearm ranked numerically by nastiness.
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Street Barbers: Ear-Probing Heroes of the Asian Sidewalks
In China and Vietnam there are specialized street surgeons that clean your ears. Going in with miraculous skill, a headlamp, and dentist tools, they can dig out a golfball-sized chunk of impacted wax from a single human ear. Then they wipe it on your forearm to make sure it's totally disgusting.
But even for these highly trained barbers, it would be impossible to dig out all of the underwear remains from the ass cracks of the Super Theta Chi Brothers? Absolutely not. Experts speculate tiny ear shovel technology will not be able to do that for another 20 or 30 years.
Back to Dear Nintendo...
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