Good.  Then we can eliminate me from the list of suspects. The first nominee for the Congratulation! Award for Best Dialogue is Golgo 13. Duke Togo, the greasy star, had intensive secret agent training to communicate with only the phrase "dot dot dot dot." He can use it to seduce ladies, intimidate other spies, or to order food. But in this game, Togo uses it because the people he runs into rarely say anything worth responding to. Like to the left where a lady approaches you to let you know you didn't blow up any helicopters. Translation: I'm hiding treats in my pocket.
Because no one wants to be like the KGB scum. Duke Togo suffers through hundreds of other conversations during his sexy spy adventures. Usually he talks to a man in a bright blue suit with matching beard and hair, but he also takes time to say a friendly ". . . ." to a number of other pedestrians that are wandering through the street during his frequent gunfights. They start rivetting oneway discussions about any sort of KGB conspiracies in the area, and the game programmers were careful not to let any of them mention how bad the game is. Crafty KGB!  We'll stop your nefarious plans!

The intense Dragon Warrior 2 experience. "Dragon Warrior 2 was the second nominee for Best Dialogue," announced Seanbaby. "Not only was it all written in a fun combination of Middle English and Dick and Jane, we are constantly reminded who is talking," Seanbaby commented with a pelvic thrust. "And since there are sometimes as many as two people speaking, this is very helpful," said the sarcastic Seanbaby. So when you walk into the room with the king, he will say something like "Welcome _insert your wacky character name_, I have heard great much of thee!" said the King. Just in case you thought you were talking to the floor tiles.
A torch!  Yes! The intense Dragon Warrior 2 gaming experience is made even more exciting when the game announces you have found something. When you sneak into someone's house and open their secret treasure boxes they keep in the living room, the game screams, "Fortune smiles upon thee! Thou hast found a broken pot!" And when you find something good, the game goes into pleasure convulsions and shuts down the Nintendo in an orgasmic seizure. That's why I could never find the good sword and had to beat the game with the Battle Twig and the Saucepan Hat.

I can't make fun.  I forget how to talk when I see moving trucks, too. The third nominee for the dialogue award is Metal Gear. Although most of the time, the dialogue is more like someone yelling out loud to themselves, they yell really fascinating things. I never even thought of crying out, "I FEEL ASLEEP" while losing consciousness. I think the discussions could even be better if Solid Snake would talk to people before slicing out most of their neck. But I guess when you're secretly infiltrating the enemy military base, it's not the best time to start up a conversation with a bad guy. And it's too bad, because they both need some help with their English. This is so fucked up.
If you rearrange all the words, it almost starts to make sense. Solid Snake does get lonely on his mission, and when he needs to talk to more than just the truck that have started to move, he can pull the sixty pound two-way transciever he has in his pants to call Commander South. Commander South is only a gorilla with a voice box reading a comic book out loud from an abandoned military base, but Solid Snake doesn't know, and he calls often to get information. It's rare that it applies to Snake's mission or even makes sense, but when the only human contact you've had in weeks is singing to the head you tore off a Vietnamese sentry, you take what interaction you can get. Check the way.

A winner is Dragon Warrior 2! We decided that as cool as Duke Togo was, his lines got kind of predictable. And Metal Gear hardly had any dialogue. We only nominated it because a dying gypsy made us promise we would. She never said anything about it winning the award, so hopefully her "Testicle Curse" won't manifest itself. Now that I think about it, that dying gypsy might have just been my brother playing a trick on me. But anyway, here is the ecstatic award winning royal dialogue master, the King! I'm on the edge of my seat!

'Hoppeth with me!' requested the King. "Many thanks to thee, Nintendo. And a brilliant thanks go to thou as well, Seanbaby," said the King. "I truly must giveth the greatest gratitude to the brave and noble Sir Erdrick who 'twas truly a pleasure to worketh with," remarked the King with a blissful sigh. "Yea, verily though, my heart would ache with guilt if I were to not thank Seanbaby once again for this golden treasure of an award. May the light shine upon thee, Seanbaby!" beamed the happy King.

Translation: "Go back to the Congratulation! Awards Page"
NES & EGM    Kick to the Groin    Super Friends    Hostess Fruit Pies
Absoludicrous Video    Stupid Comic Ads    Classic

About the Site    Contact