|Mega Man. He talks like a little girl,
wears little blue briefs, rides a dog, and fights a megalomaniac
with the IQ of a Bird Man villain. He goes up against a mildly
retarded mad scientist who plans on taking over the world by
dressing up robots in funny costumes and hiding them in garages.
Then our hero comes and steals their little theme weapons until he's
carrying around a 900 pound backpack filled with Elec Beams, Yamato
Spears, Hard Knuckles, and Bubble Leads. After that, it's
traditional to beat up the main bad guy, Wily, in his giant tank, his
subsequent flying saucer, and finally his final diabolical form
that is too hideous to describe. And after he inevitably escapes,
you do it all again in the sequel. Then repeat twenty times.
All the evil robot masters in this game conceptualized and named by
the Mega Man Robot Naming Committee. This was a small group that
consisted of a retarded boy in a tin foil space helmet, and a little
Japanese girl in a Gamera costume that hardly speaks English. She
communicates purely in poorly translated monster movie chatter. "Gamera
is good! He saves children!" Anyway, I thought this whole thing was so fucked up,
I should talk about it.
||The fearsome Air Man. Not the most menacing of the robot boses, he looked like a big fan and his gun shot stupid little mini tornado things. At least he kept you cool, and you could throw wads of paper at him and watch them get whacked around.|
HINTS ON BEATING HIM: Don't stick your hand in him, Mega Man!
|Bubble Man. One of the more misunderstood evil robots, he lives in the bottom
of the ocean and looks like a fat little green guy that shoots lead bubbles.
But I did him anyway. And I don't have to explain our love to
you! It's just when you're running through a field of flowers blowing bubbles, and a little
fat robot propositions you, you just say, "Yeah. I want this. Get equipped with Bubble Lead!"
HINTS ON BEATING HIM: If I catch you picking on my boyfriend, I'll personally let Hard
Man teach you what robot love is all about.
||Crash Man. He's sort of like Bomb Man except his bombs stick to stuff.
Originally, Crash Man was a crash test dummy that would just drive a big car into
Mega Man. And after smashing the little blue girl, Crash Man would get out of his
car, hold Mega Man in his arms and cry. Then there was some Public Service Message about wearing your safety belts and how winners don't do drugs. And even though this idea proved to be very
stupid to test audiences, it was a lot better than the preliminary plan to make Crash Man look like a little bumper car guy. Note: the test audiences of the Mega Man series were the pets of the Mega Man Robot Naming Committee. And every single one of them is named Gamera. "He saves children!"
HINTS ON BEATING HIM: Use Bounce Blaster you equipped from Rubber Man to give Crash Man taste medicine of his! Bounce bomb back at evil robot!
|Wood Man. After Wily overdosed on anti-impotence drugs, he had the idea to build this robot.
So he put him together with some logs, and gave him the mightest weapon in the Wily Arsenal. The Leaf Shield.
Jesus. I'm still trying to get over how stupid this damn weapon is. It's a set of impenetrable leaves that spin around you.
But only if you're standing still, of course. It doesn't stop there, though. Wily also fortified this robot in a very
treacherous room where destructive leaves drift down from the ceiling.
HINTS ON BEATING HIM: Look out, Mega Man! Don't get hit by the leaves that fall from his ceiling! They hurt! I think
we should all take a moment and praise Dr. Light's robot making prowess. His masterful craftsmanship has created a little blue
robot boy that can be destroyed by falling leaves.
||Gamera Man. Although never made into an actual evil robot, Gamera Man was a concept
that the Mega Man Robot Naming Committee tried to get put in for each Mega Man game. Capcom
finally promised them that Gamera Man will be put into the game for Mega Man Super Strike 9 to be released sometime in the early 2070's. The little retarded boy was so excited, his head reportedly exploded. Doctors say it was some sort of strange hormone he secreted that reacted with his tin foil space helmet. His funeral will be held soon, but will probably be overshadowed by one of the popular Gamera Man Countdown parties.|
|Heat Man. Wily thought that if a normal zippo was handy, a giant zippo with arms and a gun
would be really handy! Unfortunately, Heat Man was a rebellious evil robot, and spent more of his time lighting forest fires and committing other acts of arson than he did helping out around the evil lab. He also proved to be useless in combat as Mega Man just dropped a couple of lead bubbles on his head and lit a giant cigarette with his unconscious body. Then he and Dr. Light giggled and coughed all evening while they tried to look "European."
HINTS ON BEATING HIM: If you still have the Fish Squirt you got from Tuna Man, you can kill Heat Man in one shot. Otherwise, I heard that the evil robots in Mega Man have certain patterns to their attack and that if you can decypher these patterns, you can predict what they are going to do next. Careful, though! If you touch them, you lose energy from your energy bar!
||Flash Man. When he isn't hanging out in big rooms waiting to shoot
at little blue boys, he runs around showing his robotic genetalia to unwilling
viewers. Then he screams, "OF NAKED IS ME!" Don't blame him, though.
Wily's the freak that programmed him. Sometimes Wily watches security camera
recordings of Flash Man's hilarious antics while hatching an evil scheme and slowly
rubbing his evil hands together.
HINTS ON BEATING HIM: Try not to look directly at Flash Man when he
is naked. If you do, Mega Man will be frozen by the combination of disgust and confusion.
|Quick Man. Another clever name from the Mega Man Robot Naming Committee,
Quick Man won three awards for video game naming excellence. He also was featured
on the cover of "Boomerang Monthly" and has relased a solo album which is a mixture of modern funk
and Austrailian folk music. He also looked like a box of McDonald's french fries, because
according to Wily, "Wa ha! You can not conquer world without robot who look like french
fry!" After this quote, Wily cackled for a few minutes, so it's possible he was just kidding.
HINTS ON BEATING HIM: Be sure to take the Speed Tab you got from Diet Pill Man before
you fight Quick Man. It's the only way you can match his quickness. Look out for Quick Man's Quick Lick, though. Ha ha. Just kidding about Quick Lick! Gamera is good!
||Metal Man. He was some robot that was made out of metal. He was
sort of like the dork of the group. I mean, all of the other guys are
made out of metal too, but they have other cool stuff. It's like you getting a costume that says, "Human Man," and trying to fight crime. But when you beat him and GOT EQUIPPED with Metal Blade, it was super because Mega Man figured out if something was above his head, he should shoot up. It may seem obvious to us now how this might be useful, but back then it was an important step in Mega Man's life.
HINTS ON BEATING HIM: If you had trouble beating Metal Man, I
don't think Mega Man and I would condescend to talk to you.
|Snake Man. He's kind of like this snake guy that shoots like
these... snakes. The Mega Man Robot Naming Committee was originally
going to name him Kangaroo Man, but when the game was translated, they
decided to save the name Kangaroo Man for the next Donkey Kong. Which,
incidentally, was originally named Monkey Dong. Then the Video Game
Decency Committee showed up to the Monkey Dong studio and arrested two
children in strange costumes. The classic barrel jumping arcade game was
then retooled to not include any images or references to monkey
penises. But, yeah....Snake Man. He shot like these little....
HINTS ON BEATING HIM: This one may be obvious, but if you use the
Rabies Shot you got from Mongoose Man, you can destroy Snake Man in a
couple of hits. There is also a rumor about a secret Didgeradoo Beam you
can steal from Indian Snake Trainer Man. I've never found it, but it
sounds pretty useful.
||Proto Man was an idea from the brilliant Mega Man Robot Naming
Committee came up with after watching old Speed Racer cartoons for a
week straight. What is that mysterious whistling sound? Ah! A mysterious
robot! I must thank him for his help, but I can't help wondering who he
is. On an unrelated matter, I also wonder where my lost brother is. But
for now I must finish the race and play with my monkey because finishing
the race is what I plan to do! I must remember to thank the mysterious
Proto Man later, but for now I must race! Get ready, Chim Chim!|
HINTS ON BEATING HIM: Tell your little brother you love him.
And after seeing the look in your eyes, there is no way he could
ever hurt you. But don't snuggle too long, boys! There's a world
that needs you!
|Magnet Man. This poor little robot would walk through cafeterias and
get beaten to death by flying spoons. This could be why he turned to a
life of evil level mastery. He also had a fucked up
constipated attack he would do. He would squat and make a face while blue
energy stuff came out of him. Strangely, Mega Man was drawn to him
during this display of irregularity, and it is all you can do to keep him
from running into him. It's a battle of wills
between your thumb and Mega Man's pre-pubescent sex drive! Stop seducing
my little blue hero!
HINTS ON BEATING HIM: Just throw a bag of toasters in the room and
leave. When you hear the
loud "BONG!" it should be safe to go back in.
||Gemini Man. This guy's gimmick was that he had a twin. His brother,
Twin Of Gemini Man, and he were actually the nicest evil robot masters. They just ran around the room laughing and playing, and they would only shoot at you if you shot first. After you kick their tight little identical robot asses, you're treated to the
Gemini Laser. It was this really big blue laser that would bounce
around at about 10 mph. And while it was oozing along, you got to run
around without a weapon and pretend that you were a real boy.
HINTS ON BEATING HIM: If you never shoot at them, you guys can
just play and play all night. Let someone else save the world tonight, Mega Man! It's time for another game of leapfrog!
|Hard Man. Yeah. Hard Man. Another brilliant display of creativity
from the Mega Man Robot Naming Committee. Also, they designed Hard Man's beautiful costume
that doesn't make him look retarded at all. God damn it. This guy's outfit looks like a
frat boy's "Armored Penis" halloween costume, and his name makes you think of gay porn. But be honest. You were thinking about gay porn already, weren't you?
HINTS ON BEATING HIM: If you could just soften him up... That's
it! Use the Lotion Blaster you got
from Lube Man! You know, if you haven't used it all up playing with the
||The Green Eye Thing. Although not really an evil robot master, I
decided to show you this device as an illustration of Wily's talents. He
has created this powerful flying robot with all the necessary equipment
to dispose of its enemies. These include both eyes and a round body
thing. After seeing such a destructive piece of flying metal, it's
amazing to me that other megalomaniacs even tried to conquer the world
|Robot Miner. Are you still not convinced of the genius of Wily? Take
a look at this evil robot that combines the versatility of a helmet
mounted light with the efficiency of a thrown pick axe. Wily proves here
what we already knew: that miners are the deadliest of warriors. And
while you might argue that it looks like a little peanut in a hard hat,
the dents on Mega Man's body tell us how mighty the robotic forty niner
is. The only advice I can give you is to always be on your toes, because
you never know what incredible device Wily will strike with next!
||Needle Man. Yeah, after fighting guys with atomic fire and high
explosives, we should be pretty scared of some guy with sewing equipment.
I think Hard Man helped design his costume, too. After you killed this
guy's dumb ass, you got to use his totally unique weapon. The Needle
Cannon. It's sort of like your regular gun, but get this: it's
shaped like a triangle! I know! It's crazy! I'm really excited about
it! So this powerful gun, his clever name,
his menacing power, and his cute little king hat make Needle Man the
winner of the Biggest Evil Robot Loser
HINTS ON BEATING HIM: The trick to beating Needle Man is to
remember you're playing. The first
time I got to him, I laughed so hard at his hat that I forgot I was
controlling Mega Man's destiny. After five similar
occurances, I just tried to think sad thoughts to keep from laughing.
"They... cancelled... Misfits of Science..."
This worked, and I found out the Needle Man is about as tough as a 10
year old Star Trek nerd.