|"Persons with heart, respiratory, back and joint problems, or high blood pressure or under
a physician's direction to restrict activity should not use the Power Pad without a physician's advice.
Pregnant women should not use. Serious personal injury can result."
- Power Pad Instruction Manual
The first nominee for Best Nintendo Peripheral is the Power Pad. This
was a giant mat Nintendo released to try to trick little fat kids into getting
into shape. This wasn't very successful since the manual was filled with so many safety warnings,
most people were too intimidated and paranoid to step onto the dreaded death mat. If you did, you were
supposed to take off your shoes and run in place on it,
but even the slowest kids figured out the pad couldn't tell the difference between
hands and feet. So a Power Pad session quickly degenerated into fat
children slapping the mat with their hands and making their track and field guy
run so fast they ignite. After a bottle of liquor, me and the judges tried to play it like the warning
filled instruction booklet told us to. It was super fun to be playing Nintendo and getting
in shape at the same time, but we were fined $500 because of our downstairs neighbor's noise complaint.
Of course, after our lengthy Power Pad gaming/excercise party, we were all tough enough to kick his
"Beedybeedybeedy. I am your friend! Beedybeedybeedy."
|"R.O.B. is a high precision toy. He does not like places that are very hot or cold. Never
hit him or drop him. Don't take him apart!"
- R.O.B. Instruction Manual
The second nominee for this covetted award is the lovable R.O.B. He was
that adorable R.obotic O.perated B.uddy that was in over 13 households in the late
eighties. The idea was that he would sit next to the Nintendo and make the children
feel like they had a friend. However, since he only worked with two of the stupidest
games ever made, most owners of this robot buddy ignored the manual's advice and hit
and/or dropped him. This was how one kid found out a serious blow to the head causes
R.O.B. to vibrate uncontrollably. This malfunction was discovered
to be the thing's best feature, and one of the reasons R.O.B. is considered to be the only
NES accessory to be targetted at a female audience. But it didn't take too many kids
with vibrating buddies on their crotches before an embarrassed Nintendo took these high precision toys off the market.
|"Like most high precision devices, the Power Glove is not to be used in overly
vigorous masturbation. It could lead to serious injury, electrocution, and feelings of shame. The handicapped,
elderly, or pregnant are not to use the Power Glove unless supervised by a midget."
||The third nominee is the Power Glove. This was a device originally
designed so players could have a hand free while playing Hot Slots, Bubble Bath
Babes, and Peek-A-Boo Poker. The players demanded it immediately, so the designers
didn't have time to work all of the bugs out before its release. In fact the designers based
98% of the Power Glove technology on one of their nephew's fifth grade science projects.
The technology worked great as an automatic pet door, but as a game controller there were some problems.
The Nintendo couldn't quite figure out what your hand was
doing and most of the time the character you were supposed to be controlling would stagger
off a cliff or just make faces at you and mock your Flash Gordon glove. This would continue for hours until you finally returned
the damn glove to its appropriate place on the cat. This high tech hip device almost could have worked as a way to enhance
the challenge of a game you've already beaten, but closing your eyes would basically have the same effect. And cost
about a hundred dollars less. Of course, then you wouldn't bag as many chicks as the guys
who had the Power Glove, would you?
|"Your Mario Land Happy Meal toy is not edible, and may
be a choking hazard for children with huge mouths. It is a high precision
device and should be stored in a cool, dry place."
- Scary Talking Fry Guy Statue
The fourth nominee for Best Nintendo Peripheral is the McDonald's hopping Mario
Happy Meal toy. Not necessarily considered an actual gameplay device,
it was released as a stand alone toy, there
were no games designed to be played with it, and you couldn't plug
it into the NES without some serious shoving. However, it was just as good
a controller as the Power Glove. And it was endorsed by actor Stephen Furst, Animal House's
Flounder. He and the spring-loaded hopping Mario toy were said to be the "NES Dream Team" by
fans of St. Elsewhere and Nintendo. At his standing-room-only press conferences
Furst would often give long speeches filled with all his best Mario Bros. tips. Sometimes
he would delight the crowd with impromptu puppet shows about highway safety starring himself and
the Mario toy. Today, these toys are rare collectables since Stephen often
mistook them for cheeseburgers and ate them. Mr. Furst is currently selling deck sealer
in a Cleveland hardware store.
|"Your controller feels great with Power Grips on. They relieve
stress and cramping so your hands don't get tired just when you need
to act fast. Because when it's you against the world, you need to
take advantage of every edge you can get!"
- The convincing Power Grips Advertisement
Obviously, having a green arrow is good. That's how
this ad managed to sell over 25 Power Grips. And only 7 were returned!
||The fifth nominees for best Nintendo Peripheral are the amazingly necessary
controller covers called Power Grips. These heavenly rubber pads were the result
of a merging between Nintendo and Trojan. Forming a super conglomorate known as
Dynasound Organizer, they released a number of
fine products including Koopa-Ribbed condoms and an entire line of Blaster Master
adult toys. But since most of these are now considered illegal by state and federal
laws (unless you live in Alaska), the only remants we have of the great Nintendo-Trojan merger are the Power Grips.
They are known to have little to no effect on a person's playing ability, but if
one is to get struck by lighting while using them, having the extra insulation on your
controller couldn't hurt.|
Please note: Players are not encouraged to play their Nintendo outside
during a lightning storm.
||If you haven't caught on, most peripherals for Nintendo were better suited
for giving pyromaniac children something to melt rather than being used as actual gaming
devices. Most judges refused to vote, and after we counted the ones we had, there
was a surprise winner as the non-nominated Zapper won with a total of 1.5 write in's!
And after we took out our old copy of Gumshoe and played it for about 3 weeks straight, me and the judges
decided that it definitely deserves the award. Congratulaion! to Zapper and I guess now it will
do its best to give an acceptance speech.
|"P-Kang! P-Kang! P-Kang! P-Kang! P-Kang! P-Kang! P-Kang! P-Kang! P-Kang! P-Kang! P-Kang! P-Kang!
P-Kang! P-Kang! P-Kang! P-Kang! P-Kang! P-Kang! P-Kang! P-Kang! P-Kang! P-Kang! P-Kang! P-Kang!"
||Now click on this spaz and the sad little U-Force that didn't even get metioned to go back to the Congratulation! Awards
Page. I don't think this guy knows that the fight hasn't started yet. But don't let that stop you, superstar!!! Go for it, Tony!