||The first nominee for sexiest game character is Princess Toadstool from Super Mario Brothers 2 (When
she's close to death and has reverted to midget mode, of course). There's just something about her perfect
10-10-63 measurements that drives NES players mad with passion. I still remember the time our last Nintendo party
turned into a topless game of truth and dare after too much exposure to Princess Toadstool's alluring floating moves. Our
neighbors called the cops again, and we ended up spending the night in jail. The next
six months were spent with a court
appointed therapist. He was pretty weird, and during most of our sessions, we dressed up in pink
gowns and tried to levitate. Later we found out he wasn't licensed, and may have only been an escaped mental patient.
||The second nominee is the Dark Queen from Battletoads. She was really hot, but she was evil and spent
most of her time trying to kill the toads Zitz, Rash, and Pimple. I'm not sure if it was intended,
but this seemed like of a metaphorical interpretation of the young life of an undersexed Nintendo nerd.
We didn't get to see much of her because Battletoads is so ridiculously hard, and after days of swearing
at the Nintendo, even the slow witted kids realized they could get laid hundreds of times
if they put as much effort into it as they did into Battletoads. Of course, they probably wouldn't
find any chicks as hot as the Dark Queen. And getting a glimpse of her after beating a game is a lot better
reward than, "Congratulation! Level Design by Yuki's Papa! Produce Support by N. Takamura. Fishman.
Thankyou for playing."
Two weeks after this page was posted, I received this mail:
From: Matt Alderman (Volt Computer)
Date: Thursday, December 03, 1998 7:25 PM
I'm writing you in hopes of getting a re-count for the recent awards that were given out. I can't tell you how that brought me back, I spent 7 1/2 long years at Nintendo and was among the "elite" as far as game playing skills--I had no idea that I had so many female admirers! :o) Just curious, how in the world did you come to put me up along such *notibles*?... Did someone put you up to it? :o) At any rate, me and my co-workers got a kick out of it (not to mention my wife and her co-workers back at Nintendo) and I'd be more than happy to send you a more recent photo (for the lady folks, of course). :o)
At any rate, we'll talk at'cha later! - Matt (who demands a recount)
AAS BETA Coordinator
|Look out ladies! The third nominee is Matt Alderman, who made his modelling
debut in Nintendo Power Volume 28. Although technically not a game character, he did work as a Phone Game Counselor, and it's hard to deny he's one of Nintendo's sexiest stars. In his fascinating profile, we learn about his love for the martial arts, sports, and video games, as well as his triumphant story about being the first Game Play Counselor to beat Little Nemo. So when he's done impressing you with his sports and Little Nemo skills, he can kick your ass! I'd hate to be the Nintendo Power mail sorter when this superstar's fan mail came pouring in! Rumor has it he is now a crotch model, and a part-time extra on Baywatch. Also, look for his year 2000 pin-up calendar soon! I hear in December, he's only wearing a Gameboy. Start your engines.
"Joe at Digital Press (the magazine I wrote this page for) recently received a message from this sassy Nintendo star. I guess he found it after doing a net search for Matt + Alderman + sexy. I'm glad he did, as his mail was a lovely montage of self glorification and internet smileys. He seemed to think I put more thought into the selection than I did. I only took a pile of old Nintendo Powers and picked out all the game counselor pictures for candidates. Then I narrowed it down to a list of finalists that looked extra nerdy. Matt made it into the final round and was randomly selected using an ancient voodoo bone throwing technique. Note: of the 300 game counselor pictures I found, 293 made the finals. They weren't exactly the kids who got laid in high school."
||When I think of all the sexy swimsuit posters my Dad hung in the garage, the ones
that stood out in my mind the most were the ones of the fourth nominee, Lola. She's pink and round
with no visible gender difference from a beachball other than her bow, and it baffles me why
I want her so much. I've planned out dates where we walk slowly on the candlelit beach, sipping
red wine and reading poetry. Then when the time is right, I bounce her against a wall until the sun comes up.
I think my obsession with barely female spherical characters in bows started when I made out
with a girl against a Ms. Pac Man game as a kid. Actually, there was no girl there, and I was just
licking up the milkshake I spilled on the screen. But the psychological impact was there, I'm sure.
How much for the key to your room, handsome?
|The fifth nominee is the Keymaker from Faxanadu. His pouty expressions and bad boy
attitude made him a middle school locker sex symbol overnight. I still haven't been able to beat Faxanadu
since I spend most of my time shopping for keys, and trying to get him to notice me by hopping around and
swinging my fists in the air. But I can't even get his phone number. When he was once asked about how he
felt about being an international sex symbol he said, "*Cough!* *Cough!* I got keys. You gonna buy somethin', or
just hop around like the other lunatics that come in here? *Cough!*"
||After a drunken night of introspection, I decided to go against
the judges' decision of Animal Magnetism Matt Alderman, and go out on my
own to declare the Dark Queen the winner. I just thought she was the only character nominated
because of their attractiveness and not as a result of some sort of sick psychosis I might
have. Some of the judges said her hair was too big, some thought the leather
was slutty, and one judge had bad memories of her picture being taped
to the back of his head in prison. But since I'm basically in charge, and I was
the one who taped the picture there, I say the Dark Queen wins. Let's see
if you can keep your hands out of your pants long enough to hear her
acceptance speech via satellite.
||"Ha ha ha! This will be the last award you ever give, Seanbaby!
Or did you think I wouldn't notice that you never called? Maybe this orbital death cannon
will remind you not to leave in the middle of the night without even saying goodbye! No one
does that to the Dark Queen and lives! Prepare to die, you impassionate blue haired freak!"
||"I think there's a lot of things I should have mentioned before I gave this award. But that was
years ago. I thought for sure she would have forgotten about it. And I honestly only left
because she kept trying to kill me. Hh. I guess I always knew I would go out because of some angry
ex-girlfriend's satellite laser gun. I just never thought it would be when I was so young. I... love you..."
*sniff* Return to what's left of the NES Congratulation! Awards. *sob*