||The first nominee for Toughest Game Character is that little
guy from Excite Bike. You could land a 40 foot jump on his head
and not only would he survive, he would immediately get back
to his feet and run for his bike to do it again. When I asked about
how he became so tough, he once said, "I'm in a game called
Excite Bike, fucker. You try walking into a Nintendo bar being
the star of a game that sounds like a gay biker porn. You'll get tough
real quick." As he finished his sentence, Donkey Kong broke
a chair over his head and called him a queer.
||The second nominee is Mario when he is riding in the ultimate
weapon-- Kuribo's Shoe. This is a giant green boot with a wind-up key
that is the coolest thing that has ever been.
One night under heavy doses of narcotics, I was playing Super Mario Brothers 3 and
one of my friends thought it would be funny to record what I was saying
so I could hear myself later when I was coherent. Here is a transcription of the things I said:
|"Oh shit! I got the shoe! I'm so invincible! Oh! Eat it, you bitch! You don't understand!
I got the damn SHOE! It's the shoe!
And look at how cute I am with my stupid plumber head poking out of the wind up sock! I am
the cutest invincible shoe rider ever! Mario! Mario! He's in the ULTRA green SHOOEEE!"
This went on for about 10 more minutes as I kept bouncing back and forth
on the level screaming nonsense about the damn shoe until the time ran out. We sent
a copy to my mom. I heard she cried.
||The third nominee for Toughest Game Character is Little Mac. I don't care
if he fought cartoon rejects with glass jaws that telegraphed all their moves. They were
twice his size. Little Mac wasn't even big enough to intimidate an eight year old out
of their Garbage Pail Kid cards. But somehow he found the most useless manager
in the history of boxing and joined the professional circuit. His trainer/manager, Doc, came up
with an intense training regiment consisting of putting on a sweat suit and
biking along next to Little Mac. After that, they would gaze
at the statue of liberty and Doc would whisper to him, "JOIN THE NINTENDO FUN CLUB TODAY!"
All of this intense work was to prepare Little Mac for his championship bout with Mike Tyson. This was
back before Mike ate ears and was convicted of rape, so the game had a more light hearted feel
than last year's Acclaim game, Mike Tyson's Bitch Poundin' Boxing.|
|After winning the championship, Little Mac inspired children and midgets everywhere to
attack people much bigger than them. In what is now known as the "Funny Little Rebellion," thousands
of tiny people were brutally beaten off. Little Mac was found responsible by federal courts, and forced
to spend the rest of his life doing pulic service announements about the dangers of violence. As for Doc, he's
currently eating a Twinkie.
||The fourth nominee for Toughest Game Character is Adobo. He was the
grotesquely large villain from Double Dragon. Billy Lee, Lopar, and most of the
other characters made fun of his pumpkin shaped head and his inability to
find pants that would fit him, but Adobo maintained a cheerful spirit during his job
as a sub boss. In fact, he was even a good sport when the evil Shadow Warrior
painted him green and made him hide in a cave. It was there in the lonely cave where Adobo nearly
learned how to read.|
|After Double Dragon, Adobo went on a nationwide hunt for his
shirt. He gave up years later and went on to win the Wisconsin Tough Man Rumble, and a number
of other midwestern strong man and pie eating competitions. Tragedy
struck during a Texas chili feed where he accidentally ate four servers and a child.
Adobo has been in a correctional institute ever since, and still turns
green occasionally. Other inmates have commented on the lameness
of his handlebar moustache, but never to his face, of course.
||A winner has to be Little Mac. Like I told the judges, he won the championship belt against people who had fists
four times bigger than his head. Little Mac couldn't even reach their faces without jumping. But the
judges weren't satisfied with my speech, and demanded a full contact Nintendo Kumite. We lured all the
nominees into a steel cage using a bag full of bonus coins and treats, but when they got in, no one
would fight. They started
shaking hands and telling stories about the good old days when people didn't make stupid web pages
about them. Needless to say, their discussion wasn't very helpful to our award decision. But we were
all pretty sure Little Mac would have won if a fight had started. And even though he's been hit
in the head thousands of times, and it sounds like
he's been sucking helium, let's hear Little Mac's acceptance speech.
||Wow! I'd like... lollipop... to thank Doc. doc....And... So.. cold....
Yo, Doc! I did it!! ... Got to try..
time machine tonight... for the secre... where? did... naked my keys. I had... set VCR. Okay...
mumble mumble...Thanks! to I'm the champ you...|
Click here while we try to figure out how the shoe didn't win.