Children get one less tough decision to make today, as Wal-Mart has pulled a potentially offensive pro-wrestling action figure from the shelves. The figure was a Summer Slam '99: Road Rage Al Snow toy, a wrestler who takes his advice from a severed mannequin head. Luckily, Al's figure was removed before children could mimic him, saving child raising parents from the unfair competition of an inanimate doll head. Further complaints from a Wal-Mart manager and realization that children had access to hacksaws and human heads caused this scandal - the biggest blow to civil rights since last week when Wal-Mart refused to sell popular toy, Banana Flavored Ass Bear.

Al Snow's controversial head is one of many pro wrestling gimmicks including hitting someone with a chair or guitar, setting someone on fire, burying someone alive... I once even saw the Undertaker come back from the dead and steal someone's fucking soul. So before toy analysts can figure out that all of these wrestling figures are potential inspirations for school massacres, the toy research team has developed these two distractions. They should be easy targets for outrage and allow other, more inconspicuously violent toys to make it to our children's impressionable hands. Be patient, brothers. This will not set the plan back; our army will be ready when the time comes.

In another toy scandal, Barbie's handicapped friend, Becky, is causing children countrywide to remove their legs, but toy experts obviously do not consider this a problem since they're not carrying the limbs around under their arms, but decorating them with unicorn stickers and racing them down rivers.

Special Fashion Note: Becky's style is nearly 15 years out of date because people in wheelchairs are not as good as regular people.
Assistant professor of communications at Kennesaw State University, Sabrena Parton, said "My sons are 6 and 11. What kind of message would this toy send them about brutalization of women?" A very good point - I think we all remember the terror of finding out the woman you were sleeping with was made of wood, but generally, no parts of mannequins should send a message of brutalization without a few mental illnesses involved. I think a more important question would be to ask Ms. Parton what her children are going to think after they find out mommy is a "dumbass."

Ms. Parton also meant to send a letter to COPS, demanding they cancel the show before her children try to get arrested, but she was distracted after seeing a commercial for the NBA and was irresistably compelled to become a basketball star. Twenty minutes later, she saw a sign advising her to wash her hands and after applying her unique logic, decided that she should jump off a bridge. As she slowly sank to her death, she made a mental note to send a letter to her congressman about banning bridges and handsoap.

Jim Byrne, WWF vice president for marketing defended the action figure saying, "Al Snow's act with the mannequin head is as silly as it gets loads of fun." But how are parent groups supposed to spot the difference between loads of fun and sadistic torture? My birthday parties spent submurged in boiling water prove that might never happen. Maybe a disclaimer on the package reading, "Not a Real Human Head" would have helped. Or even, "Do not remove head of self or others." And if there's room left, "Do not kill people. Do not put things in your eye. Never place your neck on train tracks. Jesus is not for eating. Do not apply sand paper to skin or rectum...." Some toys may require a series of books included with them for all the necessary safety suggestions.
Editorial: A message directly at the parent groups:

Children mimic what they see. It's been proven by literally thousands of children just saying no, being cool and staying in school, and doing the dew. But look at the example you're setting for them. Do you want them to also lose the ability to discern between mannequin and real human heads? Do you want them to skip work to compose angry letters to toy stores after a doll makes them think about beating up women? No. You want them to grow up to be a mermaid detective solving supernatural cases with a ballet dancing partner and a robot dog unable to tell right from wrong, but perfectly willing to make the decision for the rest of the world. And I say... "Good work. Good work, you stupid fucking fuck."
"I think this whole case shows how modern television and toys are causing the downfall in child creativity. When I was a young man, we didn't need the example of a toy to inspire us to amputate one anothers' heads. As a hypothetical example, of course."
Richard Massoth - Dentist, Aztec Historian
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