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September 11th - Babies for Sale
Last week, ebay, the world's largest garage sale, made a moral stand against some of the items its users were trying to get rid of. Not twice duplicated tapes of rare Full House episodes, headless vintage Barbie dolls, or some nasty bastard's used underwear, but human babies. Normally babies found on ebay are finely crafted porcelain dolls that pee when you clap. This time, however, the babies were real. The kind that pee when you clap.
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The highest bid went up to $109,100 for a soon-to-be-born boy, mostly because its parents advertised that they attended the "prestigious" University of Chicago law school. This was a very successful selling point, and I myself put in a bid and was so excited, I'd already ordered a bumper sticker that said, "My child was bred by and purchased from U of Chicago law students."
The Seanbaby.com investigative staff has uncovered one of the less successful online baby ads:
Very cute human baby formed by sperm fertilized egg. Perfect for teaching important lessons to and putting in a cardboard box you've colored to look like a racecar. A must have for collectors!!! Buyer to pay shipping and to trick food into its mouth by making airplane sounds. |
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Child-favorite and friend to the people, Ultrababy X, could not be reached for comment, as only the pure of heart can gaze upon him without going mad.
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"Gee whiz! I'm glad they didn't have ebay when I was a kid. If my parents could have traded me for that many clams, I would've thought twice before I stuffed the cat in the mailbox with a bag of fireworks. Ha ha!"
Jack Tenney - Publisher
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"Last week a Florida man's kidney commanded bids up to $5.6 million. It's conceivable that people could buy these babies, grow them to maturity in seclusion, and sell them for parts, making massive profits. These children could also, in theory, be coated in the blood of vermin before their spirits are removed from their bodies and given as sacrifices to beings with the powers to raise us to a higher plane of existance and granting us immortality. In theory."
Richard Massoth - Dentist, Aztec Historian
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"Shit. It's about time. When my crew and I used to sell kids under bridges to rich white folks, we never got more than 20, 30 G's. And that was only if the little motherfucker could do some kind of trick and shit. You know, like balance a cracker on its nose or pee when you clap, yo."
Jermaine Foster, Union Correctional Institute Inmate #310094
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"Hiss! That is a lot of fucking money for a good baby sandwich. To look into my eyes is to look into the eyes of terro- Mom! I'm trying to talk to this reporter!"
Mikey "Gothra" Jensen - Short Order Cook, Orange Julius
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"I bought one of those babies. When the dumbass mailed it, he forgot to poke holes in the box. Now I've got a $100,000 paper weight."
Billy House - Truck Driver
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"Those guys spent a lot of money for a baby. I got one off the TV for the just the price of a cup of coffee. He had a few flies on him, and kind of a pot belly, but damn - $109,000?! You can build a super robot baby for that much money."
Ted Escobedo - Advertsing & Marketing Director
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Sadly, eBay company officials have announced that the auctions were pranks. One legal expert pointed out that selling children is illegal. He speculated that since most sellers were 10 year old boys offering to trade their younger sisters for firearms and videogames, they may be the hoaxes of misguided troublemakers. From there he went on some tangent about the decline of moral America until a young boy hung out of a passing bus and clapped his hands, causing the legal expert to pee his pants. He gasped, darted nervously for a wall and stood facing it for several hours, visibly weeping.
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