March 12th, 2000
Operation Foundling - Child Care Made Simple
Source: ABC News
A new invention's just come out that's sweeping the nation of Germany. They call it "Operation Foundling" or the "Baby Bank," but it's not like a regular bank. Instead of keeping your money in it, you sneak in at night, drop your baby in a box, and escape into the shadows. It's a metal slot outside a clinic where mothers can abandon their children "safely and anonymously" with none of those rude questions they ask down at the circus. According to one inside source, though, the babies never reach the clinic. No, they go somewhere far more sinister.
When the German mother is blocks away, the memory of their child already fading, their former mistake is flying down a series of secret high speed tubes that lead to an underground arena. This arena is called Babycade. Thousands of spectators cheer from the bleachers while the holographic image of Tina Turner floats in the center of the ring. "Welcome, babies! To BABYCADE!!!!" she shouts. A wicked look comes across her face as she adds the line that makes the crowd go crazy, "I know you won't break the rules, babies. THERE ARE NONE!!! Ha ha ha ha ha!"
And while the event is advertised as "No Holds Barred," there are actually several rules including no fish hooking, tickling, spit bubbling, or doodie-ing in their diapers. All of these guidelines are explained to the babies by special ringside infant translators that hold them close to their faces and coo nonsense at them until they giggle. Then they're unleashed until the killing blow lands. Winners are raised to unimaginable levels of baby glory, while losers are torn apart and made into clothes by the mysterious mole people who emerge when the lights and noise of the arena have died down. Heed this warning, traveller. The Babycade doesn't get any safer after the fighters go home.
HOW IT WORKS: The slots where unwanted future warriors are dropped off are called "Foundling Letterboxes", and the creators are very excited to point out that mothers can approach them without being watched by cameras*. When their mistakes are flushed away, a silent alarm is tripped and a camera is turned on to monitor the baby. "We're hoping for more funding soon," says a spokesman for Operation Foundling. "After that, we plan on getting more cameras, but even better cameras that are shaped like cockroaches so we can sneak them in to watch people on toilets or in changing rooms when we don't need to be monitoring babies." He added, "We're here to help the mothers, but we still like to watch them pee sometimes."
* any moreso than how much the NSA normally monitors us. Oh, and just to make sure they're reading this right now: "President assassination with ceramic pistol marijuana shipment border rectal airport smuggling."
Other benefits of further public funding will be a higher quality of combatant costumes. Some gladiators are forced into wearing old pajamas and train conductor costumes due to lack of fashion budget. With your support, we can bring even more deadly action with leather jumpsuits, rhinestone capes, pyrotechnics, and a troupe of dancing bikini babies.
One German religious group said the baby bank was creating disposable children for the disposable society. I want to let that religious group know that they're not going to convince anyone of anything while they talk to a magic old man from a book and make cryptic comments about "disposable societies." What the hell does that mean? Just shut up before people start killing children out of confusion. Don't talk to us about disposable. You nazis are the ones who like to burn books. All we throw away over here are our razors and recyclable material. We even collect stamps and make sculptures out of our dryer lint for Fuck's sake.
This is an effort to reduce the number of abandoned babies? By making it more convenient than ordering a pizza? I'll tell you what they need to do to reduce the unwanted pregnancies in Germany. Quit showing Baywatch 12 times a day. Did you think people were going to watch breasts bounce up and down on the beach and not go out to have spontaneous careless sex? You don't quilt after that show, you dress up like a girl and try to sneak into a sorority. You wait for the pillow fight to start, and then proceed with Project Sorority Panty Party. I don't know. I've never been to Germany, I don't know if they have sororities, and I don't know exactly how many times they watch Baywatch in a day, but I do know this: even insects have the common decency to bite the heads off their young before they abandon them in a box. I'm not telling you moms to bite off your kids' heads, I just want to make it clear I'm against throwing them in the trash. If not just to be nice, but because you're going to get gross stuff like chewed gum and spoiled fruit stuck to their cute little sailor outfits.
"I love the new Baby Bank, but the ATM fees are too steep. Last night I was across town and I got charged an extra three bucks just to take out a couple of white kids."
Charles Passionfruit, interior decorator (shown here with dance partner)
"I don't consider these pregnancies unwanted. I call them 'happy little mistakes.' And after their hair grows in they make super fabulous paint brushes."
TV's Bob Ross, painter
Above: A picture of the Foundling Letterbox, courtesy of ABC News. Yeah, real resourceful of you to get that doll, ABC. You couldn't even find a real baby to throw away? Look at this [below], bigshots. I found a picture of a midget giving a weather report on a trampoline. Did you hear me? A MIDGET WEATHERMAN HOPPING ON A TRAMPOLINE. Look who's small time now, ABC. It's seriously going to take a man-shaped stack of beef playing tennis with a nun to top me after this one.
And here, in popular fighting game, Final Fight, CODY and DUG battle near a Brazilian baby drop box. Some anti-video game critics say this gives an unspoken endorsement of the barbaric parenting tool, while the gay community admits to being "a little turned on by the exploration of each other's strong bodies." Capcom representatives said earlier today, "The special move 'Armpit-Hide' is not intended to be homoerotic in nature, and the trash cans in question are not drop boxes for babies. That's ridiculous. Those garbage cans are where players find delicious hamburgers. At worst, we're only encouraging children to eat things they find in the trash."
Later in the day while searching for a new little brother, CODY punches the baby bank.
But instead of a baby, or even a delicious hamburger, he finds a hat. Very funny, Brazilian kids. Even if the doctors at the clinic are tricked into sending that to the orphanage to raise it, they're going to figure out it's your grandpa's hat after they can't teach it to sing.