Last Tuesday, loving mother Katherine Ortega took her family to McDonalds for a cardboard-flavored meal of mcnuggets. While she was handing them out, she noticed one of them was like no other mcnugget before it. It was smarter, more evolved with a fully developed beak and piercing bread-fried eyes. But this wasn't a nugget mutation or even some kind of contest to promote chicken heads. Someone just dropped an entire head in with the other McNuggets.
This story is probably a hoax. I want to think it is because I don't want to imagine what other horrors are falling into the mcnugget fryer if a fucking severed head can make it through their screening process. If that thing got fried and served, chances are we've all put things in our mouths that are now either building tiny cities in our stomachs and intestines or laying eggs that will do it later.
Is it possible for someone to have just missed it? I understand that a person has to have something wrong with them to work at McDonalds. The mole people that clean your windshield with their syphillis spit have a better chance of getting laid than a McDonalds worker. There's a person leaving a message on their phone right now in Space Klingon language that gets more women than a McDonalds worker. When you sign the employee agreement at McDonalds, it's basically a cease and desist order to your genitals. And since I can't think of any better way to judge a person other than how many women they can get sex with, this makes them some of history's worst people. Not to mention the last people that should ever, ever be touching our food. But could even they be fucked up enough to not notice an entire chicken head mixed in with the mcnuggets? No. Not with any possible combination of diseases and birth defects.
Say for a minute you were fucked up enough to not notice one of the mcnuggets you're cooking was four times too big and shaped like a rooster head. How would you know which bike was yours after work or what bathroom to use? No, fuck that. If you're that handicapped, how do you tell your manager from your hat? Do you wait to see which one gives you a speech about teamwork and put the other one on your head? And if you're that handicapped, would any hat actually fit on your giant oversized retarded head? All humans are born with the ability to tell the difference between things. It's how nature keeps us from fucking broken glass or drinking athlete's foot. If you get a chicken head in your food, someone wanted it there. Someone you can't trust.
I.... beg you.
To further prove it was a hoax, we need to examine not only the details behind the story, but the McNugget process itself. They'll be seperated into two different columns below.
The McNugget process.
The McDonald's chicken nuggets you and your family eat are not made out of what you'd call "chicken parts." You probably noticed that chickens have legs, breasts, thighs, wings, and unconditionally loving hearts. They do not have nuggets. So before a chicken can transcend to nugget state it has to be raised under very specific conditions.
First, they are housed inside luxurious wire cages three layers deep and fed whatever chunks of their family their beaks can reach and remove. After they grow to delicious maturity, they are removed, mechanically torn into parts, and distributed to grocers and other people that need lots of mangled animals like voodoo millionaires.
Years ago, the remains of half cannibalized chickens and their feces would be swept off the bottom of the cage and thrown away. Today they're mixed with rats, factory intruders, and spices to use in food-like food products.
After a humane grinding process, the food by-product is formed into appetizing kidney shaped nuggets...
To make sure the nuggets keep their shape, they're held together by a special paste made from endangered animals. Such as Alex, this Bowtied Duckfoot Adoracubby. (Click here to learn how to save them)
So you see, if a chicken had misplaced its head into this process at any point, it would lose its individual shape and become a part of the nugget collective. In fact, you could add a tricycle ice cream truck...
or chunks of the Incredible Hulk into the process, and no one would ever know. I'm not saying it's the perfect place to get rid of a body, but every time you bite into a McNugget, there's a good chance of you eating a little piece of someone who knew too much. Too much about...
... Project Future-Photominator.
So besides winning me several art grants, these pictures have proven that there is no scientific way a rooster head would still look like a rooster head by the end of the McNugget Process. And you know what that means. It means the only explanation left is Jesus.
The Details Behind the Story|
Mrs. Ortega isn't sure if she's going to sue McDonalds yet. Which should prove already that the story's made up. If someone really found this head in their food, it would turn to look at them and do this:
You already know about the international coffee lawsuits. And last month a couple sued them for $125,000 because a pickle in a cheeseburger burned the woman's chin and made it impossible for her to be attractive to her husband anymore. Really. People have sued McDonalds for their own idiocy -- and won. How can the woman who got a monstrous creature thing in her food not file a lawsuit?
Not that it would be a good idea. It's gross, yeah, but McDonalds didn't really do anything criminally wrong. (Unlike the coffee lawsuits where they criminally didn't invite all their drive-thru customers to a seminar about the dangers of hot coffee.) The thing is, no one is going to get served a deep fried head and then put it in their mouth. This isn't like finding a band-aid in the middle of your burger or getting sick from microscopic bacteria. You're an idiot if you eat something that's so clearly not food. Sueing them over this would be like sueing them for serving you a paper placemat. I manage to not eat the plastic parsley or little French flags in my food. The chicken head was basically a really bad garnish.
The lady should actually be happy she got it. At least she knows what part of the chicken the thing came from. She should be more worried that the other nuggets are made out of feet and colons (see left panel). If you got a face in your happy meal, you wouldn't be excited, but at least you'd know what the fuck you're eating.
Daily Press covered this story in their article entitled, "Chicken head found in wing box. Mother still dealing with her discovery." Jesus, Daily Press, you need to turn the drama down. This isn't going to be a movie of the week or inspire the name of a new syndrome.
Doctor A: "Hmmmm. The patient responds to no one and simply rocks back and forth. Autism?"
Doctor B: "No. Something... worse. Years ago, she saw a chicken head."
Doctor A: "My god."
In the same article, Mrs. Ortega said that if she had just let her children dig in (she instead chose wisely to scream), her youngest child who is 5 years old probably would've bitten the head without looking at it. That's impossible. If a five year old kid got a head in their food, they'd think it was their toy surprise. That's better than a hot wheels, and it gives them something to do while their mom is "still dealing with her discovery." Until she stops screaming, the kid could maybe duck inside their shirt and replace their regular head with the little chicken head.
While things are retarded, there's a new special feature this time on the Probe. To fulfill its community service requirements, Seanbaby.com's made this article fully compatible with America Online.
Please note: This chicken head was actually found in a box of "wings" in an area where McDonalds is testing their new "wings" product. So it's perfectly understandishable that a head makes its way into the gore bucket labeled "food for mcfrying." This knowledge not only invalidates this entire article, but distracts more people from the plight of the Bowtied Duckfood Adoracubbies. Please don't let them die.