May 15th, 2001
Columbine Families sue Randomly

Above: A loving family's hug help America Online users get familiar with their Internet service. They look innocent, but according to this lawsuit, they're a part of a national conglomerate that enjoys and encourages murder.
Twenty five video game companies are being sued for inspiring otherwise perfectly normal children to attack their classmates at Columbine. The parents of the victims started the lawsuit, and if a profoundly subnormal judge can be found, it will cost the companies five billion dollars in punative damages. Financial analysts may recognize this figure as the amount of money it would take to buy Europe. The litigation is arguing that a responsible video game company would have created a game that can magically come to life when everyone is fast asleep, hide all the guns in the world, and whisper valentines in the ears of sleeping children. They could call it "Adventures in Not Facing Reality, Fuckhead Edition"

The lawyer for the families, John DeCamp, thinks that technically Nintendo, AOL Time Warner, ID Software, New Line Cinema, Sony, and 20 other companies killed the students. He says the lawsuit "seeks literally to change the marketing and distribution of these super-violent video games that take kids... and turn them into monster killers." It's similar to the lawsuit I have pending against Tomb Raider for growing me a vagina, or the settlement I won from Erik's Playstation 2 for turning me into a championship snowboarder.

This lawsuit will fail. Besides the fact that you wouldn't insult the word retarded by calling it retarded, all of the defendants are above the law. AOL Time Warner isn't going to give you five billion dollars because someone who heard of it went kill-crazy. AOL Time Warner could wipe their ass with five billion dollars, but could pay off a judge for a tenth of it. AOL Time Warner could shoot you in the neck in front of a cop, leave a quarter on your corpse, and still spend the rest of the day playing raquet ball with your naked girlfriend. And when this lawsuit ceases to amuse them, they could just push a button that makes their president robot push a button that vaporizes the Columbine parents from space.

Nintendo may try to get declared guilty to help their wuss image. They're the Pokemon pansies that recolored all the blood in Mortal Kombat. It still surprises me to this day that when I kick someone's nose open it isn't a beautiful rainbow spray, and I'm not even crazy. Think of how freaked out the Columbine kids must have been.

Two members of the United States Navy savagely defend their hive's eggs in the documentary Doom.
The main game targeted by the lawsuit is Doom, where a space marine fights his way through hell. DeCamp claims it "is purely, 100 percent taken from the military and transferred over to the private sector."

If by "transferred over to the private sector," he means "transferred over to an alternate flaming dimension on a computer," then he's purely, 100 percent right. According to my dictionary, however; this definition is not correct. Another misconception DeCamp had was about the exactitude of the game's representation of the military. The military kills communists and oil tycoons, not doomsday cyclopses. There are several other differences he missed such as how one is make-believe, but law school must take up all the time the rest of us use to not be dumbasses.

As if it needed help, DeCamp's argument seriously weakened their case. If Doom is really so effective at giving "purely 100 percent" perfect military training to people, America needs it. I've seen army commercials. We pay tens of thousands of tax dollars for every single recruit that goes through boot camp. With Doom, we get the same training and we spend nothing. In fact, once you count how they have to get their mom to buy the game for them, we actually make thirty or forty dollars. We can put it towards a research grant to discover how anyone thought of the military before video games invented all the flaws in the human spirit. I've illustrated this financial paradigm below with three pieces of clipart signifying money, one signifying karate, and one signifying hot dog.

Here is an actual transcript from the courtroom, including all visual aids used by the litigation.
DeCamp said the families are ready to defend the suit with proof. Their proof is that the kids made a movie explaining how they came up with the idea of murder from Doom. You know what, DeCamp-- fuck you. The kids were fucking crazy before they ever heard of the game. The day before they got Doom for their birthday party, they weren't making a movie explaining how sunshine makes kittens happy. If their movie is "proof," I could disprove the entire case by showing a movie I made about how Doom made me NOT KILL. It's called "My Neighbor in the Shower," but most of it is taken up by this one part where I'm pretending to be a unicorn. Which, if you don't speak fact, means "case closed."

Maybe the lawsuit is correct, and the kids really thought they were in Doom. Doom is set in hell. That's a giant oven for dead people invented by the Pope. It's possible that someone redecorated their entire school to look like flames and lava, and all the faculty members were dressed like satan. But since that didn't happen, DeCamp is trying to convince you that this was their exchange:

Crazy Child 1: "Look! A classroom! In a school! What's happened? Where... where are we!!!???"

Crazy Child 2: "There's only one explanation. We've been transported directly to hell. Machine guns ready."

Crazy Child 1: "They wouldn't let me bring my machine gun to school anymore, so I only have this bazooka and several grenades. Oh, and this dead cat I was trying to have sex with."

If you have a video of them saying that, then fine. Doom hypnotized them. Have five billion dollars. But I still don't get why if they thought they were in hell, they killed all their classmates. Shouldn't they have been trying to organize them into some sort of fighting force against the demon lizard men? Clearly, they were more insane than even the companies Virgin Interactive and AOL Time Warner could make them.

Continue to Part 2

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