All idiot lawsuits aside, are video games actually dangerous? Here are some shocking statistics: Approximately 160 million people play computer and video games. Two of them killed somebody. That means that if you meet someone who plays video games, you have a 99.9999999875% chance of staying alive. I'll personally take my chances with that. Don't think I'm a total daredevil, though. That's the same chance I have of not getting hit by a lightning bolt riding a batmobile made out of winning lottery tickets. To help you put it all into an even better perspective, 66 people have won the Heisman Trophy, and one of them is a deadly assassin.


More shocking statistics: If you encounter one of the 67 credited actors from Naked Gun 2 1/2, you have a 1.5% chance of getting stabbed to death.
Whether the 25 faceless companies had a part in the killings or not, do you really want the blame placed so far from the people who actually did the murder? Don't blow your right to get upset with criminals. If you do, get ready to get your ass kicked so hard I'm wearing your pelvic bone as a clown shoe. And then what are you going to do, sue my tape of A-Team episodes? You fucked with the wrong guy, lawsuit families. I could light you on fire, cut you in half with a ninja sword, pound both halves of you dodgeballs, and have a video game to explain every one of them. Go ahead and try to get five billion dollars out of my copy of Double Dragon. And speaking of money, you better hope I don't get a game about robbing all the banks in the world.

I think the educational games are the ones to blame. In the seventies and early eighties, video games were mindless fun. A little man jumped over barrels for a few minutes, and you learned nothing. In fact, you might have forgotten something about crime. During Donkey Kong's arcade run, there was not one incident of criminal barrel hopping. Then people started making video games about geography and brushing our teeth, or creating entire adventures that tricked kids into learning to read. You parents have already conceded that kids are amazing morons, how are they supposed to know which games to listen to? If a kid goes straight from Sesame Street 1-2-3 Counting to Space Assfuckers, you're going to have a kid that's really good at counting the number of space asses he or she fucks. I'm against that.

Murderers get their inspiration from all kinds of places, thanks in part to their own personal insanities. But no one filed a lawsuit against Son of Sam's talking dog, which would only be slightly more ridiculous than this Columbine lawsuit shit. Actually, this current one might be a little bit crazier since a talking dog is normal, but a talking video game is like CU-KOOO! Every year, anti-abortionists burn down a few clinics and kill a doctor or two, and no one is taking the Bible to court. And the Bible is way less ambigous than video games. Video games make you collect keys and potions before they tell you how cool murder is, and that's in indecypherable broken English. By contrast, the first chapter of the Bible is, "God Needs A Hand Killing Doctors."

So if you're not going to blame the murderers or their talking dogs and Bibles, why not blame their guns? Video games are entertainment which possibly lead the way to killing actual moon monsters as a side-effect. Guns are guns all the time. Shooting things is all they do. When someone gets killed by a gun, that's not a side-effect, that's exactly why the sweaty Malaysian children assembled it. If you see someone hammering a nail with a gun, or trying to fill it with hot chocolate at a tea party, THAT'S a side-effect.

I'm all for everyone's right to keep dangerous things in their houses, but guns can shoot high velocity objects over at my house. That's where I have a problem. I propose, Congressionally, that gun owners switch over to holding live crabs. You still get the element of danger since the crab could pinch you without warning, plus you don't need ear plugs unless your crab screams all the time. And don't even try that "we need guns for home defense" shit. If you can't defend your home with a handful of crab, go find yourself some little pink panties and join the Ballet Princess Brigade.

So tomorrow, turn in your guns, buy a crab, and make me feel safer. I understand thrown crabs are still a potential danger, but there's got to be like a 50/50 chance of a crab dying from a heart attack once it starts flying through the air. And if it doesn't, then thanks for the live crab... SUCKER!

I knew that a simple editorial would never convince the Columbine parents to drop the lawsuit, so I called my good friend me from Kick to the Groin Comics to create a desperate groin comic attempt to reach them.




Continue to Part 3

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