January 15th, 2001
Reading-- Your Key to Brilliance.

Common sense not needed. Or included anywhere inside this book.
The first book was invented back in 1932 when a starving child tried to make a sandwich out of food stamps. Later that day, his dysentery became the first book critic when it violently expelled the makeshift book from his body. That little boy died never knowing true love, but a new age of intellectualism was born. Because like my close, personal, jousting friend Erik and intellectuals like him say, "books are for geniuses; TV is for retards." People that can't afford cable agree. In fact, they agree so much, they're likely to mention how they don't watch TV several times a minute, and perhaps further emphasize the point by naming off all the people they don't recognize in entertainment magazines. In fact, it seems the only people that still like television are TV watchers, and you'll never get a comment from them with their mouths so full of Fritos and chili.

I decided to try out book reading-- the fabulous lifestyle of the intellectual elite. I decided to leave behind crude jokes about the insane, the retarded, and the Christian and focus specifically on not knowing anything about television. And what better way to do it than by reading a book by an insane woman about teaching christianity to the retarded? I found common sense not needed by Corrie ten Boom, a missionary living in nazi-occupied Europe who taught the wonders of Jesus to the legally stupid. To add to the intellectualism of the experience, I only spent 35 cents on the book. To add more intellectualism, I did so with a British accent in a graduation cap. Then I added a final touch of intellectualism by making this financial bar graph about the whole thing. Also, I should have mentioned this by now, I did it while holding a copy of the New Yorker and a Darren Aronofsky ticket stub.

New Knowledge: This is the reason geniuses have so much money for satellite phasers, anti-gravity belts, and inflatable women you can fuck in the forehead. Good work, geniuses! Or as Sean Connery might say when he's making fun of black people, "You're the man now, DOG!"

Before I get to the book review, I wanted to have one last fling with the world of idiocy. That's why I've put together these Temptation Island profiles and predictions, the new show where four couples go onto an island and get filmed while they try not to have sex with hot people.

Yoo hoo! Johnny!
Johnny's occupation is Singer/Poet. He's the type of guy women tell their friends they want right before they go out with a drunk frat boy. It doesn't take a book-reading genius to notice that a date with this guy is going to be like having sex with a Hallmark card. A gay Hallmark card. You see, there's a fine line between sensitive fruitcake and flaming homo. And Johnny put on his mascara pranced his way across that line in a dress. He'll be great for after the island when the girls' boyfriends break up with them and need to complain to a guy that's not going to try to fuck them.

This Guy!
We didn't learn much about This Guy. He spent twenty straight minutes flexing his muscles but trying to make it look like he wasn't flexing his muscles by awkwardly acting like he was just laughing hard. It sort of made him look like a pro wrestler with a muscular disease trying to lay an egg. He probably won't be able to have sex with any of the girls since I think he threw his back out during one of the I'm-only-pointing-over-there-I'm-not-really-flexing poses he did. Sorry, ladies!

Mandy, the girlfriend of the bald guy is the hottest girl on the show, and they've already shown clips of the next episode where she caves and gets molested by the singer/poet in a hot tub. Johnny! was sucking on her toes while she screamed her boyfriend's name. I don't think Johnny cared, probably because he's an effeminate pansy getting paid to fuck some dude's girlfriend. Nice show, Fox Network. Maybe next time you could just pay an island of unwed mothers to eat their young.

Heather said she's from "anywhere you want me to be!" Which sounds really sexy and crazy if you don't think about it. If you accidentally do think about it, you realize people don't really get hotter depending on where they used to live. You're not going to say, "Anywhere I want!? Oh, baby, I want you to be from Alaska! Then you'd know how to build an igloo! A big fucking sexy igloo! Oh, Jesus!!!" I think it might have been Temptation Island code for, "I'm an easy submissive slut who will make things up if I have to to fuck you." Either that or the show blindfolded her before they threw her on the boat and she has no idea how to get back home.

Ytossie and Taheed!
From what this guy's girlfriend was screaming at him about, it sounds like he had sex with a few other people before they even got off the boat. It might take an exotic nude beach of nymphomaniacs to break the other boyfriends' faithfulness, but I think a bus full of lunch ladies would have been Temptation Island enough for this guy to cave. You might have noticed that their names are Ytossie and Taheed. The show doesn't mention if they're some sick brother and sister couple, but if they're not, I think it's a weird cooincidence that both sets of parents named their children by randomly smashing typewriters.

And with that, I left the world of television watching behind.
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