Before now, the only experience I've had with books is accidentally learning how to kill multiple attackers with my briefcase while making Kick to the Groin Comics. Which is only slightly more useful than what I read in common sense not needed:

"I started a work to bring the Gospel to feeble-minded people who were not in institutions. They were not able to go to church: they could not understand the sermon. But did they not need the Lord Jesus, just like you and I?"

That's how the book starts, and it doesn't change much from that format: Corrie ten Boom asking us rhetorical questions about retarded people. And most of them, like the one above, you can answer by saying, "not really, psycho." The other important theme of the book is having lots and lots of different ways to call someone stupid. Such as mentally retarded, abnormal, feeble-minded, creature, imbecilic, and my new favorite: subnormal.

New Knowledge: Corrie ten Boom taught me several new calculatingly non-offensive names for retarded people. This will help me look more professional when I'm calling people stupid, and make the stupid people themselves feel more special. Like unique snowflakes, only retarded.

common sense not needed didn't have any pictures in it. Which is definitely not the way I would have gone with a book about nazis and retardeds. That's the most magical combination of things since Han Solo met laser gun or when Woman in Bikini met no bikini. I was going to personally draw a series of feeble-minds in nazi uniforms for the article, but soon found out that drawing that is like trying to draw the face of God. Only a true genius could do it, and to be honest, I only read half the book (with Temptation Island still on), making me at least less than half a genius. So this article's illustrations will be taken from the 5-page children's book "Hello, God!" Here's page four:

New Knowledge: The more images involved in what you're doing is directly related to how stupid you are. That's why magazines are stupider than books, TV is stupider than that. And since going outside means being completely surrounded by images in every direction, it's the stupidest thing you can do. That might be why the American indians never figured out how to make shirts.

Corrie ten Boom's first chapter is devoted to how she changed the life of a nazi death camp employee with a passing reference about how retarded people like Jesus. It becomes clear that she's either insane or making the entire thing up. You can judge for yourself in the following passage from later in the book:

Page 3 of Hello, God!
"Mom is creepy and stands seductively in the doorway. She watches me as I wash."

"Please help me, somebody."

It was winter. Holland was occupied by the Germans. We were sitting around the stove before the service began. A girl entered and said, "I hate all Germans, and my father does too."

"That is not right," said Herman. (Editor's note: Herman is retarded, but you probably are too if you couldn't tell that from his name.)

"Why not?" she replied. "They are our enemies! They have taken away our food! They have taken my brother to Germany! They have..." and a list of crimes followed.

"Hate is not right," repeated Herman. "Jesus says, 'You must love your enemies.'"

"I can't," said the girl.

"Jesus does, and He can teach you," said the [subnormal] boy.

"We are not only allowed to hate," said the leader of the dinner party. "We must hate."

A break from all this intellectualism:

"I think the black chick on Temptation Beach is pretty hot."
- my friend Ryan

"Yeah, totally."
- me
Who is normal, and who subnormal?

What dimension do you live in where these rhetorical questions prove something, Corrie ten Boom? No wait! Maybe subnormals are actually the regular normals! Because in a crazy story you made up, one of them knew Jesus was nice! You know, I might not be handicapped enough to have a good perspective on this, but I don't think it was forgiveness that got the Germans to stop killing people. Those bombs we dropped weren't filled with love. If we had listened to Jesus, Hitler's thirty eight wives would be wearing us all as expensive hats right now. On a rollercoaster made out of Jewish babies.

Here's some advice you might want to take from a non-hippie: when it comes to insane murderers, hugs aren't always the best answer (go ahead and experiment with this on your own, kids). Maybe if you come back to life every three days you can afford to think like that (Mr. Jesus!). The rest of us have to be a little smarter. Or a little bit subnormaller depending on how you want to put it.

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