September 27th, 2001
Gays Get Defensive, Kevin Smith Gets Defensive, and Then Gays Get Defensive Again.

Above: People that don't want jokes made about them ride a firetruck-sized grinning dick.
Last month, the gay-rights group, GLAAD, saw Kevin Smith's latest movie, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. They were outraged by the number of gay jokes, and were positive that they would inspire a dark and evil future where people outside of movies might make gay jokes. And when that happens, how will they be able to keep their quiet dignity while parading down the streets in panties and vests on giant penis-shaped floats? (see right)

GLAAD took action. They mailed Kevin Smith an angry letter telling him they would publicly not like his movie. And while they did not demand he go back in time and unmake it, it was still a serious threat. Because as their club indicates, the letter was written by fingers that may have indeed wanted to touch male genitals even as they typed.

The letter came from a man named Scott Seomin. And yes, with a name like Seomin, you really only have two choices for your career: sperm doctor or gay. Expecting anything else would be like naming your kid Max Q. Infant Launcher and thinking he wouldn't grow up to invent the baby catapult.

GLAAD is a group dedicated to stopping the defamation of homosexuals. For this article, I'm going to assume that GLAAD is mostly made up of gay men. Because lesbians don't need an anti-defamation publicist. If they think anyone is complaining about them, they're wrong. From their website, you'll learn that one of GLAAD's main objectives is to "promote lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender Visibility by designing and implementing public education campaigns." And while at first this sounds like a beautiful thing, it doesn't take a bullshit doctor to figure out that it means, "we have intricate plans to tell everyone in the world who we're interested in fucking." Wanting to bang somebody isn't a noble cause to build a club around. Do you think anyone would respond to an angry letter sent from the company I started about how much I want to have sex with Buffy the Vampire Slayer? According to my lack of response from Buffy the Vampire Slayer's press secretary and the president of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan club, no.

GLAAD probably didn't know about the findings of my company's experiment unless they were walking through select cities where I posted my angry letter next to erotic drawings of me having sex with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. They really thought someone would answer their letter. Why wouldn't they? They're both offended AND excited about the idea of having sex with a butthole. It turns out they were right, but we'll get to that. First...

Part One: From the Desk of a Homosexual Comes... An Act of War

Original GLAAD Letter: Mocking of Original GLAAD Letter:
Dear Kevin:
Two colleagues of mine from GLAAD joined me last evening at a screening of Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.
I'm not questioning the integrity or commitment of their club, but these guys couldn't have been that gay if they had time to watch a movie that wasn't about naked men. If Scott really wanted to promote homosexuality, he probably should have said, "Two of my colleages delightfully sodomized me last evening in the back row of a screening of Jay and Silent Bob Slap my Balls Around."
We were overwhelmed by the potential negative impact for the film with what we would assume is a large share of its target audience: teen and young adult males. We will be public and aggressive in our condemnation and will provide substantiation for our opinions. When teens and young adult males see grown men making out, they don't ask themselves, "What did writer/director Kevin Smith say we were supposed to think about this again?" Public and aggressive condemnation isn't going to help someone like that. The only thing that can help someone like that is a well-trained staff of retard handlers and a toy duck that squirts chocolate when you squeeze it.
Here are the points to which we will object and our reasons for doing so:
1: As one of the principal characters states, the film is a "big gay joke," but the joke is at the expense of a stereotyped category of people;

Above: A stereotyped category of people. "Yoo hoo!" shouts one of them.
People who cry about stereotypes are usually upset because they fall into them. We don't have time to get to know every single person we see. We have to stereotype people in certain ways to know which one of them wants to kill us for our wallet, which ones can't drive, and which ones enjoy the taste of falafel. If we didn't have stereotypes, we'd be doing stupid shit like walking up to bikers and asking who won today's tennis match.

So if you're Hindu and everyone stereotypes you as someone who doesn't ever go fly fishing, I apologize on the sake of my cruel people. But if it really bothers you, start fly fishing. Otherwise they're right. A less drastic solution would be to distract them with one of your positive stereotypes like how all Hindus have mind powers.

You can use stereotypes to your advantage. For example, if you're tall everyone assumes you play basketball. You could foolishly spend 2 seconds every time you meet a stupid stranger to say, "No, I don't play basketball," or you could initiate SuperPlan X: let them think their stereotypes are true. Then, when the time is just right, you strike... and don't play basketball!

While I'm on the subject of stereotypes, gay people are stereotyped as prissy. Which is weird, because this bitchy letter that GLAAD sent is totally butch. In fact, it's so tough I thought for a second that Genghis Kahn must have written it.
All references to gay men reinforce them as objects of acceptable ridicule and dehumanization; This might have been hard for GLAAD to figure out since their world mainly focuses on dick and not cinema, but you won't find anyone in a comedy movie that isn't an object of ridicule and dehumanization. Even when they fuck women. If GLAAD wants a movie where gay people are flawless and serious, they can rent Batman again.
Specific epithets for gay men include not only traditional slurs but also have the potential to introduce an expanded vocabulary of defamatory words and phrases; The English language increases by thousands of words every year, GLAAD. You should be happy that a lot of them might describe you and what your club likes to have sex with. And in the distant future, where we've run out of new nouns, our children's children can conceive of new ways to describe homosexuals by adding the word "ass" in front of all existing nouns. For instance, Ass Gardener.
When sympathetic characters substitute the word "gay" for something that is wrong or stupid, it validates a common slur used by school-age youth to mean anything unacceptable. Whether anyone likes it or not, "gay" in this moment in time can also mean stupid or lame. Like for example, "This letter is fucking gay." But remember how it used to mean happy? Faggot used to mean a bundle of wood, fags were cigarettes, queer used to just mean strange, and fairies used to grant us wishes and turn our pumpkins into racecars. Now all of them mean, "I wish I had some hot cock sex." For gay people to complain about someone co-opting the meaning of a word is maximumly ridiculous. In fact, to avenge the English language, I think we should take their only original word, "homosexual," and start having it mean "farting space menace."

On to Part Two: Kevin Smith Responds...

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