Part Two: Kevin Smith Responds

"I've been knee-deep in gayness for the better part of my twenties and up."
- Kevin Smith
Kevin Smith is a sensitive man. He gets really really upset when someone doesn't like his movies or makes fun of him. People that saw Jay and Silent Bob probably noticed that it was 90 minutes of cathartic therapy for him to deal with the kids that call him names in his website's message board. Every three or four scenes someone would turn toward the camera and recite pages from what must have been Kevin Smith's "Fractured Feelings Diary." With all the complaints about Kevin's personal life and clumsy references to his other movies, he might as well have named the movie, "An Afternoon with Kevin Smith When He's in a Bad Mood And He Reminds You that He's Seen Star Wars Lots of Times."

Internet forums bring out the worst of humanity: stupid irrational egomaniacs telling each other how much they hate everything. Getting bothered by it is like reading "FUCK YOU" on a bathroom wall and saying, "Fuck ME!? H-how DARE they!!" It's not something you make a mutli-million dollar movie about. If it makes you feel better, Kevin Smith-- people call me names in Internet forums, and I'm not even fat.

Kevin responded to GLAAD's letter in the same way he responded to the twelve year old kids that didn't like Dogma: by outrageously overreacting. He wrote a massive essay about how he wasn't homophobic, and in a final desperate attempt to get the gay people to like him again, he gave them $10,000. Now he only has 400 more essays to write and six trillion dollars to give away to get to a world where nobody makes fun of him. But that won't work; you can't get everyone to like you. For example, because of Kevin's flailing struggle to pacify the homos, I now think he's a big dumb pussy.

His response started with "Needless to say, I was crestfallen," as if we were all reading GLAAD's letter and saying, "Kevin doesn't need to tell ME that he's crestfallen." He went on to add, "You all know me. You all know how big a fan I am of the gay community."

Being on the defensive makes you say shit like that. You lose your perspective and blurt out nonsense. The gay community has sex amongst itself. Outside of porno and looking in people's windows, how does a person become a big fan of that? As far as I know, there is no such thing as gay trading cards. And I've never seen two gay enthusiasts arguing with their friends about who the league's best sodomizer is.

Coworker 1: "Dude, nobody is more gay than Carl "Oilcan" Hurricane. He can make an asshole BEG for mercy."

Coworker 2: "Yeah, I was a fan of Carl; mostly his early stuff. But lately, I've had my eye on rookie gay, Gay Hank."

Coworker 1: "Hank's got a good dicksuck, but his anal rampage is totally weak."

Coworker 2: "Agreed."

The letter went on for about 3000 more words telling us all the ways he loves gay people citing all kinds of examples of times he didn't hate gay people. It's pretty clear he doesn't. The problem is, once you're accused of something like being homophobic or racist, you're already in trouble. Just saying "I'm not homophobic!" over the course of several pages just makes you look worse no matter how many times you remind everyone that you've seen Star Wars. If someone calls you homophobic (and they're wrong), just call them a dolphin molester. Because the fact that gay people make you uncomfortable is going to look pretty trivial next to someone who fucks hyper-intelligent fish. And five years later, when people are still gasping at their approach and hurredly pulling their dolphins away from them, they'll know exactly the taste of the betrayal you feel.

A sample from the classic desk calendar: Kevin Smith's Secrets of Society & Tropical Fish Fun.
After he finished the spaztic letter and gave them the free money, Kevin did one final thing to keep GLAAD's letter writing revolver from firing again. He added a disclaimer at the end of his [crappy] movie saying "The use of the film's antigay slurs in real life is not acceptable." Thanks for the help, fuckhead. You must be right since there's no such thing as "Homobutt cola" and they tore down the national chain of Faggotry Fabric Bargain Palaces. I'm sure you helped all the truckers in the audience who suddenly realized that their frank CB discussions about their disapproval of anal sex were insensitive to the other long haul truckers who might be listening, and also having anal sex. I'm sure without Kevin Smith helping us with all these subtle secrets of our society, all our wedding receptions would sound like this: "Everyone raise your glasses to celebrate how Jeff could finally make Lisa an honest wom-- Jesus. I've got such cotton mouth you'd think I was a dicksucking fag chink chinaman. Cheers, you box-sucking dykes!"

Very few people have a healthy view of homosexuality. A healthy view of homosexuality is to ignore it until it comes up in the middle of a game of truth or dare and you get dared to start an orgy. Deal with it then. A non-healthy view is usually expressed in three ways:

1: Praise and Over-acceptance
This is the kind of person who has a lot of gay friends and seems fascinated when any of them start to talk about what men they want to have sex with. They consider someone with a dick in their ass intriguing and cosmopolitan. They'll get into long discussions about what it's like with a penis up against a person's bladder, and they'll eventually end up getting drunk and making out with a dude after he talks him into finding out if he's gay.

These people make great targets for gay recruiters. And yes, there are gay recruiters. Gay people recruit worse than Mormons selling Amway. I don't know if it's a conspiracy or just individual homos working independently, but they're constantly in the middle of a membership drive. Maybe they already had sex with all their own asses, or maybe they win a box of cookies for every new homosexual. Either way, recruitment usually consists of a man telling another about their theory of how "everyone is at least bisexual," and following it with his closing, "A man knows what a man wants." That isn't a stereotype. That's every homosexual man under 30. It doesn't usually work, though. The gay community doesn't know this, but women know what men want too. It's not hard to figure a penis out. If you take your pants off and lay on the roof of your car, a car wash can figure out what a man wants. Shit, if you rub food on your crotch, a sleeping goat can work out what a man wants.

2: Grim Tolerance
The second type of person is someone who can barely put up with the fact that somewhere out there someone is being gay. They'll say things like, "I don't care what they do, as long as it's in the privacy of their own home." It's sort of a way to still totally hate the idea of gay people, but sound just tolerant enough that no one calls you names. They find it mentionably disgusting, but for some reason never protest how somewhere a fat person might be humping someone with chicken pox and a hunchback.

You'd be amazed at how rarely gay people "do what they do" in a place where you'd come across it. The fact is, you aren't allowed to have sex outside the privacy of your own home no matter what you're having sex with. Our country protects us from that. But I don't care if two guys decide to fuck on the sidewalk in front of my house. I have a neck. And I can turn it in 359 degrees as soon as I decide I don't want to see two dudes going at it. Which should be starting about... NOW. Okay, maybe a few more minutes. RIDE THAT ASS, BRUCE! MAKE HIM YOUR NAUGHTY PONY! The only people that this law protects are paralyzed people that get their eyelids jammed open and their wheelchairs set directly in front of gay people having sex.

Sure the Christians hate gay people, but no one that eats babies can be all bad.
3: Outright Hatred
This third type of person probably grew up in a family stolen and enslaved by rampaging homosexual barbarians, or was partially eaten by a homosexual animal. They hate gay people, or at least plan on hating them if they ever meet one. These are the kind of heroes that keep children safe by making sure gay couples can't get married, and protest companies for not firing or exploding gay employees.

These bigots are actually more rare than you think. If you find more than one person in your area that hates gay people, you're probably in north Idaho. Go be gay somewhere else. Because being gay in north Idaho is like being a midget trainer at a circus with no midgets. It would take a miracle of time and space for you to ever get a chance to do your job.

If it makes anyone feel better, marriage really is just some ancient tradition people use to involve the government and Jesus in their personal lives. If gay people were that worried about living a traditional life, they'd probably give up their night job of wearing a bikini and lip-synching Madonna songs. The government has better things to worry about than whether or not the hand giving you a handjob at the midnight showing of Priscilla Queen of the Desert has a wedding ring on it. But if it's still that important that you tell the world about you and your boyfriend's passion and committment, get a set of His and His hand towels or go shopping in matching "I'M WITH THE GAY GUY WITH THE MOUSTACHE" sweaters. Yes, it's insane that it's illegal for gays to get married, but it's also insane that you fucking care.

There is not one way that gay people getting married would affect anyone. Maybe I'd feel differently if I was a seamstress and didn't have a man-sized wedding dress pattern, but honestly gay people would have to marry gorillas with chainsaws in my backyard before any one thing in my life changed. And if I go to Denny's, I don't care if a lesbian cooked my omelette. The only thing I care about is that she's washed her hand between the time she made my food and the time she had it elbow-deep in vagina. And now that I think about it more, no I don't.

Continue to Part Three: Gays Respond to Kevin Smith's Response

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