04-12-2001: MTV's Jackass Inspires Morons, Upsets Pussies

WARNING: All standard laws of thermodynamics apply to you and your body after you see this show, you god damn apes.
By now everyone's seen Jackass. It's about a group of skaters that hit each other with things and perform insane stunts. Sometimes they're lame like when Steve-O stapled his ass cheeks together, and sometimes they're way kickass like when the midget paddled a raft made out of fat dude or every time Johnny Knoxville pretends to kill a baby in front of strangers. The one thing all the stunts have in common, though; is that they're surrounded by hundreds of disclaimers telling children at home not to copy them. And recently, since they figured out that the stupid can't read, a voice has come on to read it out loud to them. The little danger skull was added because it's the universal symbol for pirates and ghosts. Such as the one shown here with spacelazer sword:
The disclaimer hasn't worked. Probably because they claim the people on the show are professionals, and as stupid as people that watch TV are, they at least know that there's no such thing as someone who's a professional at getting hit in the face with a fish. So for about three months, the show has been getting in trouble for other people being idiots. No one listens to hypocrites, and when people riding toilets into traffic are giving you safety advice, you're going to tell them to fuck off at best. Of course, if you watch someone ride a toilet into traffic, and then you consider copying it, your mind is a malleable lump of fucking play-dough, and you'll believe anything your dumbass is able to read. Hell, you're probably a scientologist. Anyway, here are some of the television-inspired crazies:

Case 1: January, The Flaming Idiot
In one episode of Jackass, Johnny Knoxville put on a flame-retardant suit, lit himself on fire, and used himself to cook some meat (see right). A 13 year old boy named Jason Lind saw it and recreated it. Guess what crucial part he forgot to include? That's right, the flame-retardant suit. He just covered himself in gasoline and meat and lit a match.

This case got a massive amount of press coverage, and now his parents have a lawsuit against the show. Most people are like me and are siding with the parents. We all think MTV owes money to every couple that gives birth to an idiot. A huge settlement will send a clear message to families that if you drink enough during pregnancy and then give your children matches, you might be eligible for free bags of money.

Stunt Ridiculousness: 9/10 -- Quick medical attention kept him alive, because we think human life is precious. Doctors work hard to heal everyone just in case they grow up to be important. But here's a hint, doctors: when someone lights themselves on fire because they thought their TV told them to, they're not going to grow up to be Mozart. Send them to the back of the emergency room with a number and take a smoke break.

In this episode of Jackass, they parked at a convenient store, then had their friend dress up like a mental patient and pretend to escape from their mental hospital van. Obviously, it was awesome. Which is why these guys have a show and the two kids in Atlanta are getting in trouble for playing with roadkill.
Case 2: February, Dead Pet Store Cat
Two 18-year-olds from Atlanta said they were inspired by the show, so they picked a dead cat up off the road and paraded it through a pet store. No one was impressed. The Atlanta chapter of In Defense of Animals issued a $3000 reward to catch them, but before that happened they ended up getting turned in by one of their own dads and charged with absolutely nothing. If there's one thing you take away from these dickheads, it's that if you copy a TV show, the only way you're going to come out of it with money is if you mangle yourself, not a dead animal.

Stunt Ridiculousness: 4/10 -- This makes riding a toilet into traffic look clever. They played with a dead cat; it's just fucking gross. At least if it was a dead human, they could have maybe tricked some elderly people into thinking it was a zombie or something. You can't do that with a cat body. Everyone knows cats can't be undead because they don't have souls, like the Chinese.

Dramatic Reenactment
Case 3: February, The Broken Taco Arm
A sixteen-year-old kid in Wisconsin broke the arm of a drive-thru clerk at Taco Bell when he was trying to mimic Jackass. The idea was for his friend to film from a car while he ran by and snatched a bag of food from the cashier. The clerk didn't let the tacos go, and crack. It wasn't a tiny fracture, either; the cashier's arm was fucked. Luckily, Taco Bell has an extensive health benefits program, and were able to supply the clerk with a wall he could smash his bone back into place against plus a gift card good for SIX free crisp zesty tacos.

Stunt Ridiculousness: 2/10 -- This sounds like it was inspired more by the Hamburglar than by Jackass. Stealing a taco isn't really that funny. Maybe if you farted when you did it or wore a ballerina costume. It would have been just as hilarious if you'd politely paid for the taco and left.

Case 4: April, The Human Idiot
A twelve-year-old boy named Thomas Hitz was inspired by Jackass to cover his hand in bug spray, light it on fire, and try to put it out on his chest. He burned the hell out of himself, which as you might know, is what usually happens when you light yourself on fire.

Stunt Ridiculousness: 10/10 -- A second kid torching himself was over the line. It was unacceptable. What's even worse is that this kid has been speaking out about how they need to move the show to later than 10 pm claiming that, "kids are still up at that time." Is he some kind of precognitive idiot that knows he won't be able to control himself around his crafty TV's trickery? After he's done getting the show moved, maybe he should beg America for some handcuffs to keep him from sneaking out of bed to watch it, and then petition to destroy all the Rambo movies before he can mimic one and finish himself off.

In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, the mother of this boy said, "My son is really intelligent." The father told a different story when he claimed his son was an everyday average guy who identified with the everyday average guys on Jackass. It turns out they were both wrong. I've known a lot of average people, and heard stories about intelligent people (see right) from the average ones I mentioned earlier in this sentence, and this is the first one from either club that needs a smoke alarm installed in his face.

Moving Jackass to later at night really is a brilliant idea until you realize there's no national bedtime for retards. Stupid people stay up late too. The real solution is one that Canada came up with years ago -- massive slaughter. You see, once Canada got socialized medicine, they had a tough decision to make. Did all regular citizens want to pitch in to repair idiots, or did they want to bulldoze them all into a pit of exploding acid? They actually decided the best idea was to move all the fire, scissors, and stairs out of their country. Now when children want to hurt themselves to impress their televisions, their only chance is to stand by an igloo until they're hit by lightning. And you can't sue weather, at least not until you move to America.

I'm against accomodating these people. We've already done so much for the stupid. Jerry Bruckheimer makes you a new movie every three months, and there are warnings on hair dryers to tell you not to dry yourself in the shower. How much more babysitting can we do? Should we stick labels on all the parts of your body you're not supposed to stab? If you really need someone to tell you not to blow yourself up, it's a waste of their time to do so. Some day you're going to come across something sharp when you're out of earshot, and all the time we spent moving TV shows around will be in vain.

Continue to Part 2 ->

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