Part 3: Television Controls Our Minds, In Same Club as Dr. Doom
It's clear the Jackass disclaimers aren't parenting our children enough. With all the time they waste telling us not to skate our skateboards into alligator mouths, they could play an entire commercial about how music and basketball can be our Anti-Drugs. If kids listen to the part of TV that might imply they should kill something, the part of TV that actually TELLS them flat out what to do should be 800 times more effective. At least that's what this experiment will try to prove:

The Internet is a lot like TV, except I'm not obligated by contract and regulations to stop calling Tom Cruise gay. Tom Cruise is gay, and if television and the Internet do control minds, this should jumpstart natural selection and get rid of a good portion of the world by the end of the week. Enjoy the extra space!



Bruce Springsteen brings the house down, E-Street style! Above: Ben Stiller
Some people might say that a radical team of super tubular teddy bears is too much production to protest one show getting moved around to a different time. Those people might be right, but what about Bruce Springsteen? If you're living in an outhouse and panhandling for soup money, then yeah, a TV show getting moved isn't your biggest problem. But Bruce Springsteen's life is perfect and fragile like the desert's ecosystem. His biggest worry is what nation's capital he wants to rock before he has caviar breakfast in a hovercraft. For a normal person like you, Bruce Springsteen's TV schedule getting moved around is the equivalent of your uncle sneaking into your bedroom and eating your dog. Do you get it now? I'm not doing it for me; my life's way too big a mess to notice when Jackass comes on, or even if I've soiled myself or others. And while I'm on that subject, sorry to the guy that has to clean bus seats, movie theatre seats, and nuns.

Continue to Part 4 ->

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