Bangkok's latest underwear invention combines the security of a cheap suitcase with panties large enough to fit four normal sized humans.
April 16th, 1999 - Criminal Proof Panties
Bangkok proved that they're truly on the cutting edge of the underwear world when they unveiled their new invention: Anti-Rape Panties. These are metal lined underwear with a suitcase lock on the waist strap. This locking-the-groin-away approach was decided on after test marketing the "Flare Launching Panties," "Panties with Small Creature Hiding Inside," and "Hand Grenade Tied on a Jockstrap." They even toyed with the idea of underwear with a picture of a nude Bob Hope designed to disinterest sexual attackers. All of these proved to be ineffective, and often times harmful to the wearer. In fact, 17 men died during the preliminary Bob Hope photo shoot alone. The final underwear is much safer and has been widely distributed. Here are just a few of the things people are saying about this amazing product:

Patti Shnyder of the Delta Delta Delta sorority said, "My friends totally had to drag my drunk ass out of the bar, and since I'd swallowed my underwear key on a dare, they couldn't take them off so I could pee. Those fucking 20 pound Gook panties ended up being an anti-rape diaper that night. Now my rusty crotch makes loud noises while I pace around waiting to pass the key through my system."

Chinese housewife, Ming So Pie raved, "My husband very forgetful. He forget combination and now panties stuck. I hate metal pantie very much." Ming's dreams of one day having a son were crushed, and she says she is now regretting throwing her first two girl babies into the river.

Late night talk show host, Dinko McTard, said this during his monologue, "Speaking of Bangkok, how'd you like to be the guy who banged his against one of these babies? Ouch." He was later pelted with tampons thrown by a militant feminist group called "Not Funny, Man Pig." If you are a member of this group, please send complaints to Dinko here.

Chinese locksmiths seem universally in favor of the new panties, saying they love the increase in business and amount of female genitalia they get to be near.

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