|"You good fighter. You. Good. Dux my man!"
Bloodsport. Starring Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds. The greatest martial arts film ever made in America. And don't try to argue with me on that. There's no competition. I think it's something about our rodeo culture that prohibits anything other than American Ninja type of movies to be made. Sure, Only the Strong was pretty cool, but you have to fast forward through the "Miami tough kids learn how to be super citizens" parts.
I'm not here to talk about that damn Capoeira movie or how it teaches us that trying hard and doing our best is a sure way to stay off of pot and be winners. I'm here to shower Bloodsport with all the affection I can. This is my favorite movie. When there aren't crazy fight scenes with monkey guys we get to hear lines from Ogre like, "That's why they call this thing Bloodsport, kid." There's a sumo guy with
Jean Claude's fist imprinted on his crotch, a whole
bunch of smooth talking Arab guys, and Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds.
"It is American shithead who makes tricks with bricks."
The greatest movie line of all time. The most absolutely beautiful words to leave the mouth of man, Arab or non-Arab. When you look at the picture on the right, know that you will never hear anything that cool in any other movie. Except maybe Flash Gordon. And look at his sweater! It goes so well with his hair, it kind of makes it hard for me to keep from licking the monitor. This man is the coolest of all beings. His cameo appearance marks the highlight of American cinema in the 1980's. Although his career has not been quite as successful as his cult following would have liked, don't count the "American Shithead Brick Trick" sidekick out yet. Arab actors are coming back with a vengeance. Look for this star, the other Arab sidekicks, and their leader Hussein (famous for lines such as, "What is bet?" and "Now I show you some trick or two.") to come out with a small art film entitled, "Eat this Trick, Shit for Bricks." It will be produced by Hussein who was the only of the Bloodsport Arabs to star in an actual fight scene. (He was also the only actor in the film to get his ass kicked AFTER already losing a match.) The budget for "Eat this Trick" is extremely low, and other projects may keep them from devoting all of their talents to it, but you can rest assured that it will give us a hearty kick in the crotch. Vidmark is going to distrubute it, as it will bypass theatres and go straight to video in early 2002. There is also rumor of a sequel entitled, "You lose, American Asshole. She is coming with me. Upstairs." There has been no official word from Arab Sidekick productions on this project, so we can only keep our fingers crossed.
|"You break my record. Now I break you. Like I break your friend."|
Chong Li. That's Chinese for "Man with the breasts of a woman." He was named this not for his large pectoral muscles, but for the strange bags of breasts he carries with him wherever he goes. I know, it's fucked up. People gave him so much shit about them, he decided to devote his life to breaking people and their friends. Now he kicks people in the throat and watches them die right there on the mat. After each kill, he likes to do a little victory dance and then remove his victim's head. He calls it the "game ball." I should also mention that he screams "I love you mom!" and swings around a Harley Davidson headband at the end of every interview. Then it's customary for him to break the camera over the sportscaster's head and laugh as he bleeds to death. As a wise man once said, "Just be careful Chong Li doesn't separate your head from your body."
"Very good. But brick not hit back."
"What the hell is a Dim Mack?"
In the Kumite there are no rules. At least none that we can spot. There is a referee, but he's really only there to express shock and disapproval whenever Chong Li kills somebody. Proving that it is impossible to get disqualified, during the final match, Chong Li throws blinding powder into Jean Claude's eyes and throws the ref at him. Most sporting events at least penalize or fine players for blinding one another and/or beating up the ref. I always wondered why Chong didn't just put like a gun in his pants. Then instead of throwing some stupid powder, he could just blow van Damme's head off. What are they going to do? Not only does that seem perfectly legal in the Kumite, but it's Chong Li and a gun! You'd have to evacuate Hong Kong!
"I fight to survive! Kumite! Kumite! Kumite! Kumite! Kumite!"
To the right is Jean Claude proving that if you do a move that's pretty
enough, your opponent forgets how to fight. After seeing
van Damme's Flying Blind Splits, Chong decides his best option is to go with the
Somersault Barrel of Monkey. This is an
ancient fighting technique used by young American children to go very
quickly down hills. Also, if you jump high enough,
the guy you're fighting will politely drop their hands and watch you kick
them in the mouth. This is very useful to remember when
want to kick your opponent in the face. But before I go, I'd like to
give special thanks to Leapin' Joey, a member of the National
Cheerleader's Association and fight choreographer for this movie.
"Put down your weapons! Nobody. But nobody - dies in the palace without a command from the emperor."
"Flash Gordon. Quarterback. New York Jets."|
The earth is just an obscure body in the SK system that's been giving Emporer Ming so much amusement lately, but I think Flash has a higher opinion of it. He likes football, he likes earth chicks, and he doesn't like Hot Hail. So now he has to decide whether or not to bonk Ming's bald head or watch the moon run into Earth. Maybe you've never seen a movie before, but I'm going to assume you know which one he chooses. Sure, he's just a man with a man's courage. Nothing but a man. But he can never fail. No one but the pure at heart may find the Golden Grail... there was no grail in the movie, but those are actually the unfortunate lyrics to the theme song. Please don't think I'm doing anything but loving that song, but the lyrics do demand some sort of new adjective to describe their craziness. So they're Gronzokian. King of the impossible!
Look, fellows! Would you like to be the first kid on your block to know the Flash Gordon theme song lyrics? Click here!
"You can't beat the human spirit!"
You realize that after this movie, Sam Jones pretty much did Silk Stalkings cameos and sci-fi convention autograph signings. What the fuck?! Look at that guy! Look at the movie he made! I say that guy should be making ten million a movie! He should have an entourage to fight off screaming girls, and we should all be wearing Flash t-shirts with lightning bolts on the back. The New York Jets should change their name to the New York Flash Gordons. Maybe you people don't understand how cool this guy is, but I do. And for those who doubt the coolness of Flash, just read this sample of the film's dialogue:
Flash: "Any problems fellas?"
"I love you, Flash, but we only have 14 hours to save the Earth!"
"Ah ha! I thought it was one of the prime numbers of the Zenith series!"
|"No! Not the bore worms!"|
Just in case I didn't make myself clear and you're still not sure whether or not Flash Gordon is worth watching every day for the rest of your life, I have three words for you. Max Von Sydow. Film students and other literate cinema fans know Max from The Seventh Seal. He played chess with Death. Also, if you're just one of those people who only watches movies when they're on TNT because you're a white trash waste of oxygen, then you might recognize his cat stroking ass from Never Say Never Again. He's awesome, but I think it's kind of unfair who he has to go up against. First it was Death, then it was James Bond, and here it's Flash fucking Gordon! You can't expect him to win. Oh yeah. I forgot to mention that Timothy Dalton's pansy ass was in this movie. He was James Bond once. When the world began to chant, "Geek!" in unison, I guess the 007-let's pump out rehashed formulated crap-movie team got the message and replaced him. So, Timmy Dalton is not the main reason I recommend Flash. He can kick a little ass on a moving spiked platform, but he's kind of whipped by his lady. Don't be too judgemental, though. His girlfriend is Princess Aura. I don't think I can describe the scene where she gets strapped down and whipped without taking at least one hand off the keyboard.
"Long live Flash, you've saved your Earth. Have a nice day."