"Glitter Boy and Rosy Rockets" by Rosy Rockets"

To see Rosy's own home page, click here.

I built this page to show how cool my friend Ro is. I met her at a conference for super heroes up in Canada where she gave a talk on "Black Panties and You." To the left, you can see her artistic rendition of a scene from the lecture where she called me on the stage to show an example of a dramatic running pose. When I obliged, she poked me in the ass with her easy Freudien target of a left arm. The audience laughed, but I got her back at the Ultra Hyper Dunk Tank.
oh... Ro! My friend, Ro, is not to be confused with teen heartthrob Ro, and if she was on a sticker labelled "Ro Head," she probably wouldn't have a pink background. Unless she was in a costume. She's a master of disguise. And a magic princess! *swoon!*

Rosy is one of the leading female Mega Man experts in the world. Below is a short transcription of some of her thoughts on the little robot boy in blue briefs:

"I now only have 2 complaints:
1) I'm shit at it
2) You can't chat with the characters. In Zelda and Earthbound everyone has time for you. They say stuff like "Hi! I like to count leaves! Have you seen my brother Pokey?" The Megaman bulldozer guys and hedgehogs just don't seem to care."

When you mix up the letters of Rosy's full name, you get, "SHH! ERRONEOUSLY NICE TART!" You can also scramble them to find out she's a "TREACHEROUSLY HOT SINNER," or a "HORNY RUTHLESS ERECTION." Dyslexics always laugh when they read her name.

In Britain, Winnie the Pooh is able to make all the sexual innuendos he wants. Other Pooh ads have said, "Lick my sweet honey!" and "Taste this little bear ass, you whore!"

Ro once proved her compassion to me in this letter:

"My brother had a tamagochi. It looked like a bean with a coolie hat on. I traumatised it with aversion therapy - smacked him every time he played with his bouncy ball. I then broke the pattern by bestowing an apple on him, and this is what made him snap. He cried with hysterical laughter, crapped all over the floor and said "HELP. HELP. HELP." so I turned his lights out."

So what if I don't know what a coolie hat is? It's still a heartwarming tale of a woman and her bean.

She's not just good with vegetables. No one else on this planet can capture the magic of Spider Man and his Amazing Friends like Rosy:

"Today we watched John's "Spiderman And His Amazing Friends" video. In the first one, Fire Star went to a fancy dress party as Spider Woman, and Ice Man went as Spider Man, and by the time they got to the party the writers and I had completely lost track. It was cool when some whore chatted up Petey Parker and the jealous Angelica sent over a cloud of steam to make the bitch's mascara run. (At this point John told me reproachfully, "That's the kind of thing you'd do.") Later, my heroine helped Bobby out when he got in trouble from a parky for leaving an ice slide in the park. She melted it. Well, to be fair, there was one vaguely dynamic showcase for her powers, where she made a fire shield to deflect some kind of tiny ray, but it turned out to be just an excuse to do a close up on her sweating torso. Which is great, but I remembered her as being cooler than this. What inappropriate phrasing."


I want Firestar. "The second adventure was about a famous explorer who wanted to take over the world with his dinosaur army. He abducted Fire Star and drove her off in a van, and Spidey and Ice Man decided to trail him by using Miss Lion's keen doggy sense of smell. But the bad guy was too cunning for them - he caught on to what they were doing, and flicked a switch that left a trail of strong smelling goo behind the van that masked its smell. The goo was bright orange.

"Well, I suppose you're wondering how Web-head and Freeze-Face found the bad guy's H.Q. They popped into a newsagent and Spidey chanced upon a magazine with a picture of the bad guy on, standing next to his plane. Spidey knew that he kept his plane at his H.Q., so they went there. Ice Man froze a hole in the wall; and I don't know enough about physics to understand that. Anyway, it was great. The joke at the end was, Angelica's dog licked Spiderman's face and barked. Then she said "Take my wife - no, please!" Then she ate her own shit. I love that show sooo much." They're shocked because Aunt May just dropped her top.

Ahhh!  Jesus!
As an homage to the insane Donna, and her even more insane retreat, Ro wrote a story about my first encounter with an internet stalker. Go here to read it. Warning! This story contains elements of realistic obsession! Not for the easily frightened!
Rosy is British. If you want to see how British she is, just look at the postcard she sent me to the left. She has given me a lot of good information about England too. Here are just a few examples of what she has taught me:

"Tart means slut, you know. It's not only a fruity treat."

"Athena also sells posters of babies dressed up as vegetables and chimps taking a dump on a toilet."

"British lesson number 3: Frank learned that "skronk" meant "nail", which means "bouncy shag" which also means the Rachel cut. Frank was confused."

"Oh, and "pump" means fart round here, okay? Have a care."

"'Oral sex against a brick wall' is my favourite cocktail. Incidentally, it ain't cool ta drink cocktails.

"When the milkman gets here I'll ask him for a massage. (Frank knew that milkmen bring milk to milkless Britons) You're supposed to leave a note out saying how many pints you want - when my brother was five and my mum left her "two pints please" note, he added demands and threats, for instance "sexy lady or dead" and "24.26 or dead". Didn't work, mate."

Ro is obviously well versed in sluts, defecating monkeys, oral sex, milk men, and death threats, but it's her phone ettiquette that really makes the boys tumble:
"I took a phone message that night, not realising I was stoned and talking in Bizarro English. So the caller guy didn't understand me, and I thought he was just being dense; I got quite irritable with him. You have to imagine me scowling and saying patiently, 'My aunty not back the two next month.'"
Doh! Ro.
Not the right Ro. But what a dreamboat!

Rosy wasn't always so patient and loving, though. She once led a dark and sinister life of crime. Her and some other super powered females started a group of thieves/terrorists called the "Midnight Ladies."
It sounds like a silly name, but it's much better than the first two: The Deadly Ultra Chicks and the Secret Ass Turtles. Of the three, I think they chose the most menacing.
The Midnight Ladies spent most of their time stealing rich people's underwear, and they were so successful, Gotham's Commisioner Gordon had to call in Batman to help.

Here you can see Rosy and her cohorts sneaking about in their red jumpsuits and knit ski masks. One of her colleagues suggested they accessorize with some diving goggles, and all the ladies agreed.
"They are confident. But perhaps the hunters... have become the hunted," thinks Batman to himself as he watches the ladies in mid-caper.
"It's drafty in these green panties. Perhaps I'll edge closer to Batman and cuddle in his cape," thinks boy wonder, Robin.
Batman knows his enemy and has devised a plan to exploit their weaknesses. They're too strong to fight, but....

Batman's plan works! The Midnight Ladies are distracted by the cupcakes!
Rosy is the one on the right screaming, "Deliciously Irresistable!" But she's just kidding. She is making fun of her dimwitted teammates.
While they begin to devour the treats, she places "Kick the fat cupcake pig in the crotch!" signs on all of their backs. Then she turns her mask around and demands to know who turned out the lights.
This is yet another underappreciated performance, as the remainder of the team is too busy smashing the chocolatey devil's food cake into their faces to notice.
Just as Rosy begins the puppet show using extra socks she had tucked into her zipper, their celebration ends.

The Dark Knight arrives and easily apprehends the women who are completely comatose due to flavor sensory overload. However, there are now only three. Where is the fourth mysterious Midnight Lady?
Batman ponders this until the drive back to the Batcave. He then notices Robin's breasts!
"A midnight lady. Very clever to disguise yourself as Robin," says the Dark Knight. He still thinks himself a badass even after having to resort to cupcakes to stop criminals.
Robin giggles, and chimes, "Holy misinterpretations, Batman! These aren't breasts! These are just delcious Hostess Cup Cakes I hid down the front of my shirt for later!" As Robin starts to pull out the cupcakes, he realizes the breasts are real, and that he's actually been a girl all this time. Your guess is as good as mine as to why Robin thought he had jammed cupcakes down his shirt.
Meanwhile, Rosy is in the back of the Batmobile with Chim Chim hatching a plot to sneak into the shower to take naughty pictures of Batman. She is also covering Robin's shorts with spit balls.

Rosy Rockets could be called an expert on Teletubbies were she not likely to kill anyone who did so:

"The only cool thing about the Teletubbies is the video feature. Kids make the best presenters. Sometimes it's not so hot - a little boy will announce "TODAY WE'RE JUMPING" and it's sooo predictable. But once they had a little Chinese boy explain the Chinese new year festival, helped by his two year old brother who waved a paper dragon in the camera lens yelling "RAAH!". Then he looked about him gravely for a moment, then he waved the dragon again and went "RAAH!" really fiercely.
Kids don't appreciate it, they give it some scathing reviews in a film magazine I bought - 'They make me laugh. I don't know why.' 'They've all pooed their pants.' 'Teletubbies bounce up and down!'
Well, in between "E-oh" and "Bye-bye", the Teletubbies have a high- concept adventure, for instance Tinky Winky running around Tubby HQ shrieking "Chase me! Chase me!" while Dipsy pursues him with a wet towel, or Po O.D.ing on tubby tustard and getting 'tubby tustard tummy.'"

This is my favorite narrative of hers about Spiderman and his Amazing Friends:

"I forgot to pass on this ace quip from 'Spiderman A.H.A.F.' There's this bit where he leaps on to the top of two villains' car, and peers through the window going 'It's your friendly neighbourhood Spiderman!' Then they make a sharp turn and the rain-wet car roof will not grant purchase for Spidey's sticky hands, and he flies off. Web-head lands in some rubbish, and rubbing his head says, 'Friendly neighbourhood DUMMY.' Shortly afterwards, Ice Man comes to his aid chanting, 'Here I come, to save my chum, 'cause he's so dumb.'"

Seanbaby's Ro Page.
(It's a little bit Ro)
I credit many of my barely passing grades in college to Rosy's helpful tips on projects. Here is one idea she sent me which I still regret not using:

"You could do a thesis on the semantics of "nail" and "fuck". Like when you're exhausted and you say "I'm fucked"; and all you've been doing is pounding about on your space hopper. (I walk like a cowboy after a good hard spacehopper session.)"

Sure she's a master of linguistics, but a lot of people don't know that she's been one of England's top film conceptualizers of the 90's. Just listen to this idea she had:

"If Mr Bean directed Rosemary's baby it would be hilarious. Rosemary's distended pregnant stomach would get stuck in the lift doors. She'd spill the white potion in her husbands lap and pull a saucy face. At the end she'd rock the baby too hard and it'd fall out of the window."

When she's not writing scripts for Britain's own master of "Retard Comedy," she enjoys writing my name over and over on her notebook and drawing a big heart around the words, "Mrs. Rosy Seanbaby." She also plays the game Earthbound which I believe is the first game to be translated from English to Japanese to Swahili and back to English. Here's a recount of one of her playing experiences:

"Last time I played I met a guy in a hotel lobby that just said "Huh?" "What?" the first few times I tried to talk to him. I persisted, and he started getting nervous, then he started babbling non- sequiturs, and when I finally tipped him over the edge he gave me $50 and told me to get myself some juice. Then he wouldn't say anything except "Good luck." I tried the same thing with my dad but he just started crying."

No.  I'm pretty sure that's not me.  Are you okay?

Here are some special chosen selections from her letters to Bob Hope, a long time lover of Rosy's:

"Once I saw a lone, swarthy workman shovelling gravel into a skip, singing "I'm going to wash that man right out of my hair" in a lovely tenor voice. I haven't told anyone else 'cause I know they wouldn't believe me."

"right now I have to hide in the garden 'cause my brother's offering me some eye flavoured chewing gum. What in the name of..?"

"When I was about three, I asked my mum some probing questions about religion and sex. She said:
'Some people like to believe that there is a big old man who lives in the sky, who made the world and everything on it. If you want to believe that, it's fine. But me and Daddy don't.'
She also told me some even weirder stuff about how grown-ups make babies, and how they like to put a lot of practise in, even if they're both of the same sex; I gave her the benefit of the doubt. And that's why I grew up to be Bizarro Ro who thinks Christians are perverse, and sexual deviants are the enlightened. Pity me."

The universe was suddenly clearer to me. I understood now. And all it took was one paragraph from Rosy explaining Christianity with a Mega Man simile. Save your soul and read this:

"First, there was nothing. Then, Nintendo (the holy spirit) said, "Let there be Dr Light!" God is, like, a bigger version of Dr Light. Satan is real bad, like Dr Wily. Rock Man, son of Dr. Light, died for our sins (e.g. bad choices on the part of the robot naming commitee) and was born again to become Mega Man, soldier of God. Mega Man battles Satan's minions - perverts like Hard Man and pyros like Heat Man, and is rewarded with things like a Bubble Lead, um, representing humility or something. But only the pure of heart may kneel before Dr Light; and Mega Man, like all men, is a sinner, plus his knees don't work anyway. If you defeat all the robots you can go to the House of God/Dr Light, but it's not easy to get there 'cause there's a bit where you have to go up then sideways, there are no steps, and nobody knows what to do."

Are you tired of playing ordinary Lego? Yeah? Well, shit! Rosy is here to give you ideas on new and exciting ways to build and play with the fantastic imagineering land of Lego!

"You can play gay lego, you know. You get a builder, a biker, a red indian and a policeman, and put cowboy heads on all of them.* (Frank knew that the cowboy heads had droopy moustaches and big sideys.) Then you make them a little villa out of red 4x2s and let them have a swiss skiing holiday. You can give them names - Ginger, Scary, Tinky Winky and Po.

If you want to play ALIEN lego, put a few slugs among the space lego.

If you want to play Leprosy Lego, get Deathbringer to tear some of the figures' hands out."

Rosy is secretly in love with Fire Star, but that doesn't stop her from pointing out some of the flaws with her female dream date:

"That's nearly as annoying as when Fire Star was abducted to the secret island hidden in a warehouse, by the dinosaur guy. Nothing was stopping her from escaping except two shitty ice volcanoes, which she never learned to avoid, in fact she seemed to go out of her way to fly into them, moaning sexily in the blast and inevitably falling into the bloke's arms. She made sure to warn him every time she launched an attack, making cute speeches that he had time to cut short with ice boomerangs. It was pretty obvious that she wanted to be his love slave. She put him in an utterly pants fire cage at one point with no apparent plan in mind, and just stood there like a lemon until he stepped out from between the bars."

Warning: Ninjas are deadly. For ages 7 and up.
Sharing my disdain for those hilarious internet forward lists the mentally handicapped love to send around, Ro has decided to create her own. I think it turned out pretty well. Here are the highlights:

"100 reasons why beer better than chicks.

1)Beer nice and cold...come in cans!
35)Beer cheap (75 cents) and you buy in store or bar.
79)Beer not hump your buddys! (huh huh - best one)
100)Beer, fuck off back to kitchen, bitch! wheres my stake."

Big Bird is a big fuck. Rosy has proof:

"The other day, Luis was bent double with backache, and Big Bird thought his agonised contortions were a game. He joined in for a bit, then said, "I'm bored of looking at my feet and saying 'Oo! Ah! Ee!' Let's play something else!" Insensitive yellow ponce."

I don't know what a ponce is, but I agree with the sentiment. I'm just glad Oscar is there to put that sexless yellow thing in its place.

The best thing about Rosy is her ability to start interesting conversations.

"What's your favourite scene from "The Leprechaun"? Make your choice:

1) Quick! Take off your shoes and throw 'em! Think I'm nuts? Ha ha - think again! The Leprechaun has to polish all the shoes you throw before he can come and polish YOU off!

2) The fat Snarf character eats a gold piece (fat people are always trying to eat everything) and the Leprechaun tries to burrow through his stomach. Yeah! Eat my stumpy leprechaun fists, fatty! I want me gold!

3) Jennifer Aniston wants to go home until she espies the ugly painter her dad got in to decorate the spooky old house. Whoa, mama! Cover me with Primrose Kiss and call me lover!

4) Any scene where the Leprechaun is waddling around on his stumpy legs, or burnin' rubber in a pedal car, squealing "Me Gold!" ... if you can see through the tears of mirth, vote for these scenes."

I think scene number one is the best, but I learned a lot from number two. And three was so sexy! I can't decide! Oh, Rosy! Why do you put me in such dilemmas!

You saw her picture of me and her fighting crime in our spandex at the top of the page. I think it captured both our presence and sex appeal, but Rosy is not just a visual artist. After only four years of training, she became one of England's best loved songwriters. Here she is describing one of her number one hits:

"The other day I found an old cassette tape I recorded when I was about four, it's me singing a song I composed. A lament, entitled "Please don't cut off our branches", written from the point of view of a tree. I eventually get overcome with emotion, and start reading a story instead. (Mr Nibble Has Mumps)"

To the right, Rosy Rockets and Commander Marv discuss their combat strategy in their upcoming invasion of Scotland. Marv has connections with the Yakuza. He is also a cat.

Okay, Marv. First you distract them. I'll flank them and shove this rocket right up their socket!

Hey, True Believers! My Spidey Sense is tingling! Or it could just be Rosywith her Spidey Love Feather.
As a big fan of comics, Rosy once decided she should disguise her name as Timmy and write Marvel a letter. It seemed like a good idea to get a lot of her longtime questions answered, but their response made her cry:

"Dear Marvel,
Hi! I'm just writing to let you know that I think Betty Brant should get her thingies out more often. I like to go through the comic crossing out the "Parker" in "Peter Parker" and adding "Pooper"! Then I draw funny eyes in Matt Murdoch's glasses!* I have five questions for you.
1) What if Spidey needed the bathroom?
2) I think you should make Daredevil more funny, like Mister Magoo.
4) What if Magneto needed to use a compass?
Love, Timmy
Dear Timmy,
Heh heh - you sound like a bit of a rascal!! Happy to answer your questions, but Timmy - learn to count, you little retard.
1) Well, he always visits before he goes out crimefighting. But if he got caught short, well, I guess he'd just have to shit in his pants!
2) Yeah, we'll take that idea on board, Timmy.
4) Shut up.
Love, The Friendly Folks At Marvel
*Frank knew that Rosy really did this when she was little, which probably detracted from the comic's current value."

Working part time as a Vegas fight promoter, she was fired after she had these thoughts on a match up between E.T. and an alien drone:

"All E.T. can do is make his shrunken little chest glow, and point to things. He's an alcoholic, his social skills are laughable, he can't even form a sentence properly and he's basically hideous. What would be cool is if the drone left a trail of M&Ms, and E.T. waddled along down tunnels into the hive going "Spell 'good'", picking sweets off the slimy floor and poking them into his horrible tortoise mouth, then the trail would end at the queen alien, and what happens next ain't pretty."

With an arm like that, it's no wonder she's often propositioned in lesbian bars.
Here are some more valuable words of wisdom from my friend Rosy:

"I learned on a chat show today that sex between unmarried people is an abomination. I always thought that sex between fat people was an abomination"

"I have to go now 'cause I'm a tank. Vrooom! Smash!"

And finally, my all time favorite quote from my all time favorite Brit:

"On 'Scrooged', Bill's girlfriend called him 'Lumpie' 'cause she inadvertently gave him a knock on the head the first time they met. Well, my pet name for Mi-babe is 'Hard-onnie.'"

"I can't say any more, 'cause I'm a little frog, and I can't talk! Ribit! Ribit!"