God can stuff millions of homosexuals into a pit of fire, but can't get this one woman to put down the lard sandwich and go jogging.
And if God thinks lighting fags on fire is funny, you know He's laughing His ass off at that last sentence.
"Good one," says your Lord. "You always get Me with the fat jokes."
From: Saint Theresa Brannigan
Finally, I heard from the female BROTHER. Below is the transcription of our first dirty roll in God's hay, but she's harder to seduce than my fourth grade teacher. And he was spade AND neutered.
"I am surprised at your immaturity and impudence. Are you a LITTLE BOY?"
Well, it's about time you get a letter from me.
Thank you, brother Theresa, for taking the time out of your schedule of
selling church raffle tickets in His name to send me a nice mail.
I have been watching and waiting to write to you.
Like a cat waiting to pounce, she watched her internet brothers finish
beating the Down's Syndrome and Wheelchair groups in the Special
Olympics tug-of-war. After one more good tug and a hug-filled award
presentation, she would get to destroying the pathetic Seanbaby with her
I have read all of the correspondence between you and the other Brothers. Frankly, I am surprised at your immaturity and impudence. Are you a LITTLE BOY?
I'm wearing a diaper at least. But that was rhetorical, right, brother?
You need discipline.
I don't care how holy you are, this sounds kind of sexy. I wouldn't
mind getting a few more mails from this saint.
You need the Words of the Lord. Why not go to church this Sunday and
see what it has to offer?
Would it be cool if I just watched Clash of the Titans?
Well, I know you will not go to church,
but about the other matter at hand... the matter of the holy symbol
or sign that you have neglected to put on your webpage.
I just realized that I have the Gay Christian flag on two of my pages,
and a picture of a monkey that says "Jesus Loves You." And if the nude
pictures of Lynda Carter I have don't count as a holy sign, you're going
to have to send me a very detailed list of what one is.
We are not joking about this, as you seem to think. The Lord is not
You're wrong. The Lord is a pretty cool guy. One time at camp, he
stuck my hand in warm water and made me pee frogs.
He spoke to me last night and told me to write to you today.
I won the "Costume Designer for a Day" Sweepstakes off the back of a Spice Girls Action Figure.
That is so weird. Because I saw on evangelical TV last night that he
was talking to a lady with big hair and tarantula eyelashes. And
according to her (who is more credible than a stranger with a hotmail
account), God spent the night telling her to invite everyone to their
church's Texas Barbecue. One of you is lying, or one of you was talking
to Santa Claus.
I was hesitant at first, but He thinks you may respond better to a
woman-- and since I am the only woman in the Brothers of the
God is right. I respond much better to women, especially if they're
hot. Have Him send some pictures of you.
Listen to me: Do not ignore the Word of the Lord. He calls to you
through us Brothers and you MUST obey. Do not deny Him, he is our
Why did He pick a group of confrontational idiots to send his message?
Are you filled with delicious candy?
P.S. HE IS OUR SAVIOR
P.S. ARE YOU FILLED WITH DELICIOUS CANDY?