"we would like to engage in a great and magnificent fight..."
From: Lila Patton
please to be helping us decide a matter of most great urgency!

dearest seanbaby,
the situation at hand may be described as follows. (i hope you will give me a minute of your most precious time!) i and my sworn rival have come to a great clash of the wills as regards the need to bear your lovechild. we would like to engage in a great and magnificent fight for this most fantastic honour, but we are uncertain how to proceed! can you bless us with a suggestion for the terms under which we should fight this great battle? we will remain forever grateful for your advice, and look forward with much longing to the wondrous opportunity which will come with victory.

most respectfully yours,
Lila

I'm sorry, Lila. Your idea was a great one, but already taken by a group of clever Las Vegas fight promoters. If you watched Ultimate Fighting Championship XVIII, Seanbaby Scramble, you might have noticed that the purse they were fighting for was breeding rights with me. The winner, Tank Abbot, took a political stand by stomping out of the arena before accepting my fertile seed. He had to be inseminated by a semen filled IV fired by a helicopter sniper. Recent reports say the pregnant brawler has gone on a strict diet of alchohol and gamma rays vowing to "Make that skinny fruitcake's baby a giant fucking mutant faggot!"

"I have teeth"
From: Anthony Polito
love childs

Someone should have sent you a fairly wordy request involving duels, love childs (yours in particular) and other stuff. I forget. It went on for too long.
Anyway I don't think that she, as a icky girl, can really understand these things. It is that simple. And I have a plan too see. If you don't let me have your love child i will send you more urls like this one www.csua.berkeley.edu/~aspolito/mouthful.jpg and then force you to click on them with my mental powers.
Anthony
P.S. I have teeth

Sweetest Anthony, combatant for my sperm, your note was very educational. After going to the link you gave me and seeing the poor man's head buried in 300 pounds of disgusting carnie crotch, I learned exactly how many times a human body will dry heave before finally expelling an organ - two hundred and fourteen painful times... Lila may be ahead of you in the race for my passionate love, you sick bastard.

"Seanbaby is the Messiah."
From: rob

Listen all Seanbaby is the Messiah. You are the funniest bastard this side of a religous rodeo puppet singing Hanson songs and playing deadly towers. and rememeber, Hail to the King, baby!

If I really am the Messiah, than it proves that God's message is, "Hey, you fuckers! Look at these idiots over here!" And from my experiences with church and religious broadcasting, I think that's exactly what He's trying to say.

"Your Mega Man page and its contents has been recognized as blasphemous"
From: Karzh X

Well, first of all, I would like to say good use of Mega Man pictures on your Mega Man page. But T.U.M.G. is very pissed off at you; and so is the entire nation of Stenisia. Your Mega Man page and its contents has been recognized as blasphemous and disgraceful. Your humorous jokes about the intelligence and history of Dr. Light and Dr. Wily has been considered sacreligious and is not tolarated in the Union of Stenisia. God have mercy on your soul, son. Good night........p.s. IT'S A CYCLOPES!!!!!!!!!

Sitting in a basement too long can cause people to lose touch with the rest of the world. For instance, Karzh X looks like he's forgotten that people outside his Hard Man postered walls have no fucking idea what T.U.M.G. and the Union of Stenisia are. From context, I assume it's him and his pet scorpions sitting around a lego built altar while his parents yell down the stairs for them to stop chanting.

"I always thought Birdman was a hallucination on my part."
From: Michael Toole

Of course, I have to read your page while drinking soda-- in this case, the NEW McDonald's Super Size, which, unbeknownst to me, has grown to accomodate about 30 gallons of fizzy carbonated sugar water. So now the walls and ceiling are dripping with snot and cola, and I'm sitting here, drinking my soda, wondering where the hell all the snot and cola on the walls came from. Office prank, no doubt.
Anyway, very funny page. It's a good thing I'm wearing a corset, because my sides split. And it's a good thing I always carry a spare ass, because I laughed mine off. Ba-dum-bump.
Points of interest:
--Samurai's typical "sword mysteriously generates whirlwind" attack is a keeper-- his shout of "Kaze modo hayaku!" translates as "Wind, go fast!"
--You really need to put El Dorado on the Superfriends page. I mean, really. I adored the show's obvious Affirmative Action characters even when I was little-- I kept hoping for more. I kept hoping for a flamboyantly-gay superhero (I mean, BESIDES Batman and Robin) or a militant dyke (I mean, BESIDES Wendy) or perhaps a hermaphrodite. Battle of the Planets had a hermaphrodite, so I don't understand what the problem was.
--I always thought Birdman was a hallucination on my part. Now that I've grown up and found other people who enjoy his animated antics, I continue to think he's a hallucination on my part.
Altogether a very amusing page. Not bad for a guy who pretty much looks like Speed Racer by way of Morrissey.
Cheers!
--Mikey

Super Friends almost had a gay character here where Superman came dangerously close to talking about sucking cock.

"Los zapatos de manequilla son muy bueno."
From: AMIE CUMMINGS

Hey,
I am blatantly abusing corporate property by simultaneously e-mailing you from work, chewing on a mechanical pencil and flinging paper clips at passers-by with a rubber band and ruler slingshot . . . but I wanted to let you know that I have been earning my salary this week by peeking frequently at your web page and laughing uproariously all the while. Thank you. Joyce is lucky to have you. Los zapatos de manequilla son muy bueno.

Joyce doesn't consider herself lucky to have me, especially because right now I'm wearing alligator wrestling armor made entirely out of her panties. Having none left, she stormed off to work wrapping my hair dye stained rainbow towel around herself as a loin cloth and screaming, "We are going to have a long talk when I get home, mr. underwear armor!!" I changed the locks and I think that's her outside right now smashing heavy things into the door. I'm not listening la la la la...

"Hey wadda ya thing..."
From: dogwood

Hey wadda ya thing of an NES clone? something that would have games for it in the traddition of nes classic games. I smell River City Ransom remake, do you?

Tell me what ya think

I smell extra chromosomes, do you? This reminds me of the time I sent a stranger my complete script for the ultimate movie where Jackie Chan, Michelle Yeoh, and Jet Li lead a group of Chinese vampires against Bruce Campbell, Linda Hamilton, and Bruce Willis' army of atomic robot space dinosaurs. Then David Bowie and Catherine Zeta Jones make out while Salma Hayek and Spider-Man sexily undress me and we all reinact dance scene #17 from Breakin! 2 - Electric Boogaloo. And every extra in the movie is a midget in a diaper and pirate hat. Sadly, the person I sent the screenplay to was a retired milkman, and not a movie producer. It looks like my superfilm will never be made.

"Im sorry to... suck... pretty... crap"
From: Morten Jensen

Heres a few words from Copenhagen, Denmark
Your homepage sucks big time. Im sorry to tell you because it seems like your pretty proud of it.... DONT BE. Your evildead page is rediculous and so is your hair. Please take this crap thing off the internet... PLEASE.

p.s. Try wearing some clothes that wont embarras your mom and the rest of us...

It's sad that someone can come across an arrogant hypocritical faggy pretty boy wanking his own ego with an oversized collection of stupid pictures and cock jokes like me, and this is the kind of unintersting insults they send. These kinds of mails are like the internet's equivalent of knocking on someone's door, running, and then realizing you forgot to leave the flaming bag of shit. You were really close to pissing somebody off, but mostly just look like an idiot running down the street with a bag of excrement while a confused man stands in a doorway wishing he were running with you and your poo into the night.

Public service for the handicapped: in explanation of Morten's seemingly nonsensical closing sentence, all vinyl and latex clothing tags read: "Warning: this aparel wil embarras the cuntry of Denmark and mom." I'm sure Morten apologizes for the confusion while he autistically rocks back and forth counting his Danish pimples in a mirror.

"I like the hair"
From: Joshua Alderson

My friend Richard sent me an IM to go to this site. He described it as the, "Funniest fucking site ever". After reading most of the stuff that you have philosophized about, I wanted to know that you are one of the top ten most interesting people ever. I haved found the humor to the same caliber of the great George Carlin and Dennis Leary. The way you use constructive critisism is an art form in it's self. I read the hate mail section and thought to myself, "Who can hate this guy? He's a riot". To sum it up though, I like the hair, the site kicks, and have a nice day.

I never considered my criticism very constructive. It's usually either an offer to suck on my dick or a shove. But if you consider blow jobs and people falling down stairs constructive, then I guess you're right. Thank you for my new sense of self worth, Joshua Alderson.