Name: Big Wheel
Powers: Built up Teen Angst, Inability to Feel Shame


Fucking sad. Really fucking sad.
Jackson Weele got called names when he was a kid. A bully gave him the nickname, "Big Wheel," and it drove him mad with homicidal rage. He saved up his hate and money for 30 years to buy a giant metal wheel with rockets and lasers attached. The bully that called him names grew up to become the Rocket Racer, a skateboarding criminal. Next to both of their yearbook pictures is said, "Marching Band: 1,2,3,4; Tennis: 3,4; Signs of Intense Mental Illness: 1,2,3,4"

Even if the bully hadn't grown up to be a skating joke, I don't know how that crybaby got so upset by the name "Big Wheel." He might have been a little fat, but seriously, I knew kids whose names rhymed with penis when I was growing up. Try being them, Big Wheel. In third grade a fat kid had the last name Butt. Butt. It didn't matter what we added to it, we couldn't piss him off. Butt-Head, Giant Butt, The Butt Mutt, Ass... he didn't care. His last name is already "Butt." We couldn't make him more angry than he already was at his family. I didn't keep in touch with him through the years, but I didn't hear about him going crazy and trying to kill people with a carnival ride. In fact, if I've learned anything about the tragic and ironic poetry of fate, he's probably a proctologist or an ass waxer.


And since it's not degrading enough to be riding around in a rocket pie pan, Big Wheel drives himself off the edge of a building. I can't understand how things like this happen. Big Wheel had all these rockets and lasers that he's been using all day, but as soon as the good guys get near something that'll hurt if he falls off, he decides a blind charge is his best move. Jesus, Big Wheel, even if they were lazy enough to sit there and let you hit them, you would have still flown off to your death. Maybe you're suicidal. I mean, look at your mess of a life. You're lucky if you even get respect from the parked cars you're rolling over. Giving up and ending it all isn't the answer, though. Even if it was, wouldn't you want to change first? You'd hate to meet Satan dressed like a frisbee.
Did Big Wheel ever try coming back with a mean name of his own before he settled on clumsy public assassination? Robert Butt used to call people Cunt-Rag when they messed with him. Yeah, it wasn't a clever play off their name like when we called him Rooster's Butt, but he definitely one-upped our asses. There was no going anywhere from there, once a third grader calls you a Cunt-Rag, your debate is over and you lost. Now Big Wheel, how about getting people to start calling the bully names. Maybe Solid Gold Skater Fag or even just Rocket Retard? Or just do what everyone else does. If someone's pissing you off, don't build a giant laser wheel. Jam a dirty sock in their locker, steal the pudding out of their lunch, write a sloppy love note to the ugly girl in their name, or sleep with their mom. Kids today are probably taking their revenge too far as a direct result of Big Wheel's insane appearance in Amazing Spider-Man #183.

I know a lot of kids weren't lucky enough to learn revenge techniques from Spider-Man. Those people grew up to get breast implants and invite their bullies on Jenny Jones. They Used to be a Geek-- Now They're Totally CHIC. So if you're getting ridiculed in school, kids, you have two choices: kicking ass, or getting some tits. And from what I've learned from comic books and talk shows, both of them end up making you look like an idiot.

Above, you saw the [apparent?] death of the wheel idiot when he drove off a building trying to squish Spider-Man and Rocket Racer. Here's a special comic showing what might have happened if his targets had actually forgotten to get out of the way. I get tired of Spider-Man's whiney crap, so I put Big Wheel up against some heroes that will shut up and fight:



Where's Big Wheel today?
It's hard to believe, but even bad dressers can survive a 15 foot fall into water. Especially when they're too fat to sink. Big Wheel had enough buoyancy in his love handles to move on the water like Jesus. After he finally beached himself, he went on to work for the pit crew of famous monster truck, Bigfoot. Not exactly on the pit crew, but he did once deliver their mail. It wasn't quite that either, he only dropped by the house of one of the guys who rotates the tires and tried to sell him a subsciption to the Sunday newspaper. So he's still kind of in the big wheel business. And last I heard, he's planning the death of the second grade teacher that gave him a C in penmanship, the Starbuck's clerk that rolled her eyes at him, and the guy at the movie theater that coughed. He says he needs to hold off on their murders until his nuclear kite hat is done.

Back to the Stupid Comics Page


This is Rocket Racer. We have his cruel name calling to thank for Big Wheel. It's okay for someone like this to call people names. Sort of like how ethnic people can call each other their own racial slurs. If someone's dressed like french fries and fighting justice with a skateboard and earmuffs, they can make fun whoever the hell they want.


Jackson "Big Wheel" Weele's intriguing origin. To get back at the guy who called him names in school, he visits evil-device builder to the stars, The Terrible Tinkerer. Here they are descending into his mysterious lab through his mysterious disco-bead door. A lot of people get revenge by hiring hitmen or buying guns, hardly anyone thinks to attach those guns to a merry-go-round and roll it down the street. That takes a special kind of angst.


How does Big Wheel get anything to eat? There's no kick-stand on that thing. He can't park it unless he wants to wedge it in place with a nuclear missle. And even if it fits through the drive-thru, I don't think it's a good idea to take it in there. Those burger people are barely getting paid enough for the bandaids they need for oil-splatter burns. Right now, they're randomly taking out their frustrations on anyone stupid enough to eat there by kicking random burgers across the bathroom floor. If you come up to the drive-thru dressed like Big Wheel, you'll be lucky if all you get in your fries is spit.


Big Wheel vs. Rocket Racer
Big Wheel Dies
Big Wheel on the Cover

Bibliography:
Normally when a villain like this actually makes it into a comic book, you never hear about them again. The Amazing Spider-Man #183 I used for research in this article cost like $15, but no one in their right mind would want to read it. I think the only reason it cost more than a half a stick of gum is because kids used their copies to wash their windows, and the writer destroyed the rest to avoid embarrassment.